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Unread 07-14-2012, 02:24 AM   #1
mamaoffmeds
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Smile I finally know what an "Aha!" moment truly feels like

I am new to this board, but have been lurking a week, and just briefly wanted to say hello and tell my story. I don't get it, really. I'm supposed to be pretty smart, I consider myself to be pretty self-aware, and I'm great at solving other people's problems. And I've known that I had one, I just pretty well chose to ignore mine. For the ten years I've been taking opiates regularly, and for the last 6 years daily and heavily. My DOC was hydrocodone or oxycodone, and at the point I had my breakthrough or whatever, I had not gone over 48 hours without medication in longer than I can remember. I forgot what it was like to be "dopesick." I also forgot what it was like to have any self-respect, or to be able to support myself financially, much less my children. My relationship of 5 years has been iin the toilet, but of course, it's all been his fault. People distanced themselves from me and said hurtful things to me because of their problems, not my own. And all the while, I'm taking my pills, and scheming ways to ask my boyfriend for money that he'll pretend to believe, and sinking every spare penny I had into my addiction, and being irrational and moody and unreasonable with my sweet babies when I would start to get low or, God forbid, run out. My children have a fairly decent lifestyle, because my mother has paid for the things that I should be taking care of. But they were being taken care of all the same so what difference did it make to me? I had to eat dirt more and more frequently to accept handouts from my mother, but the handouts hadn't dried up yet, so I was still moving along just fine as far as I was concerned. I have custody of my 3 year old daughter and 6 month old twins, a boy and a girl, they live with both their mother and father, and my 3 year old is an obvious credit to me, so while I was miserable inside, I was nowhere near the bottom that most people say they hit before they seek help. I had 3 children, 3 angels, and that wasn't enough at the time of their births to motivate me to seek help. The only thing I can liken it to is some sort of religious experience, because it was that profound and that life altering, and it came that far out of nowhere.

I'm 31 years old and I've paid lip service to having a problem, even tried the suboxone when it first came out around here in 2007, but I never seriously considered quitting. I SURE never considered going to meetings. And I guess my subconscious was adding up a lot of little things, bigger things, and the 3 huge factors of my kids to the point that it built and built until it burst through into my conscious thought processes one day last week. I had gotten a call a couple days before to start a new job, the first time I've had one in 2 years, at a new plant opening directly across the street from my house. Everyone was all excited and happy for me on the surface, but the excitement didn't ring true and my own happiness was forced. Like everything in my life, I knew that eventually the other shoe would drop. I've gotten used to having this vague sense of dread permeating every single aspect of my life, to the point to where I took pleasure in nothing. And while I was sitting there, thinking I'd better not get my hopes up about this new job, idly musing that I wish I could afford the $35 monthly fee to enroll my 3 year old in dance class, this lightning bolt hit me. To all of you I'm sure it seems like it should have been as obvious as the nose on my face....more of a "Duh" moment than an "Aha" moment. But for the first time, when the profound, simple, truth that I was an addict, a hopeless addict, and had been for 10 years hit me, it also hit me with this amazing clarity that every single unhappy thing in my life was a direct result of my addiction, and then it hit that while I might not could become a happy person overnight, or rid myself of the problems caused by my addiction overnight, I COULD START RIGHT THEN AND THERE TO OVERCOME THE ADDICTION. I DIDN'T HAVE TO BE AN ADDICT THE REST OF MY LIFE, I ONLY HAD TO TRULY WANT AND SEEK HELP TO BE HELPED. Then the final part of this epiphany: I WANTED THE HELP. It was the most amazing moment of my life, maybe even more so than the birth of my children, because I was going to do something to give them a better mommy. And I know this sounds dramatic, but I'm being as serious as I can be.
In ten years, this is the first time I realized that my addiction caused my problems and that I wanted and needed help. It's been a week and I haven't had a pain pill since. I have an appointment with a suboxone dr. the 25th who is an addiction specialist, and in the meantime, maybe it's frowned upon, but I have gotten some pills from a friend of mine and am taking a quarter in the morning and a quarter in the evening. I went to my first meeting last night. I'm so excited, and in the back of my mind, I'm scared to be excited, because I'm afraid I'll let myself down and this won't last. But for right now, I have hope, and I'm trying, and that's more than I have ever been able to say in the past.
Thank you for letting me share my story, and thank you for having the courage to share yours. This board has given strengthened my resolve when I found myself wavering and I hope to be able to give and receive hope and support on here with people like myself, just trying to get by one day at a time, to give themselves and theirs a better life.
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Unread 07-14-2012, 07:37 AM   #2
NancyB
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Hi mamaoffmeds, welcome. Thanks so much for sharing your story! That's great that you had that epiphany and carried it out by getting help. Is the 4mg of Suboxone you're currently taking stopping your cravings and withdrawals? If so, really think about just staying on that dose even if the doctor tells you that you need more. With Suboxone, the best dose is the lowest dose that stops cravings and withdrawals. More than that is just a waste of medication and money and can also cause the patient to feel lousy. Do you know if you'll have counseling with the doctor also?

Please don't give up hope. You made the huge first steps of realizing that you needed help and then getting it.

Again, welcome.

Nancy
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Unread 07-14-2012, 08:29 AM   #3
deanna
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Congratulations and thankyou for writing that post!
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Unread 07-14-2012, 10:03 AM   #4
mamaoffmeds
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Thank both of you for the welcome and kind words.
NancyB, 4 mg is enough to stop physical withdrawal....for the most part. Like I said, I have tried suboxone in the past, and suffered from debilitating headaches as a result. I think I need at least 8, maybe 12 mg daily, but I'm scared to death of those "sick headaches"......head would hurt so bad that I would be throwing up and wishing I had just gone through regular withdrawal.

The doctor I am going to be seeing is an addiction specialist, and there will be a counseling component of the sessions. I spoke w/a nurse at length a few days ago, and she threw out the suggestion of Subutex....well, the generic bupe anyway since I guess Subutex doesn't exist as a trade name anymore.

I'm willing to give it a shot, because like I said, 4 mg daily is enough to stop the worst of the physical withdrawal, but he cravings, especially mid-morning and early evening, are pretty rough going. I'm used to around 80-120 mg of hydrocodone or oxycodone daily and it's not very effective with keeping me mentally focused on recovery. I've done it a week, which is longer than I ever expected to do, but I'm afraid when the new wears off, if you know what I mean, it'll be right back into the same 'ol, same 'ol. But yeah. The headaches. So I'm not really sure what the best option for me is at this point.

Can any of you give me an idea of what generic bupe is like? It's pretty rare for it to be available on the street around here......rare enough that I have never taken one. Would that carry a reduced risk of headaches w/nausea w/a higher dose? Any info on the mental and physical differences in the effects of Subutex vs Suboxone would be appreciated.

Again, thank you so much for any comments, advice, constructive criticism, anything you think needs to be said, on any of my posts, please say it. I'm gonna need all the help I can get with this decision because some days it seems like it would just be so much easier....but then, that's the way I always seem to think, and that line of thinking won't get me out of this rut I'm stuck in!!
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Unread 07-15-2012, 06:30 AM   #5
NancyB
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Hi mamaoffmeds, if 4mg is stopping the worst of the physical withdrawals, think about trying 6mg before you go up to 8mg, or even 12mg. Taking more than you need can cause headaches, nausea and make you feel worse than you should. Are you drinking enough water? Opioids in general can suppress the thirst mechanism, and even slight dehydration can cause headaches. So make sure you're drinking enough water - that's the easiest thing to try. If that doesn't help, then you can try spitting out the saliva after the medication is dissolved, that can be an indication of a hypersensitivity to the the naloxone in Suboxone. The naloxone is considered 'clinically insignificant' since it has very poor bioavailability sublingually and in the GI tract, but if someone is hypersensitive, it can cause problems.

Generic bupe just doesn't have the naloxone that's in Suboxone. So it should work the same as far as cravings and withdrawals.

For the cravings, you mentioned mid morning and early evening. Is there a connection with those two times of day and when you would have taken pills? Can you distract yourself from those cravings? If you have a minute, please take a look at this thread where there's a discussion about cravings and urges. It might be helpful:
http://www.addictionsurvivors.org/vb...ad.php?t=26571

Let us know how you're doing.

Nancy
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Unread 07-16-2012, 11:37 PM   #6
mamaoffmeds
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Quite honestly, I don't know that those particular times are any more of a trigger than any other time. I used to "dose" every morning when my feet hit the floor, and, well, I guess mid morning, early afternoon, early evening and usually again after dinner would be the other times, if I had plenty on hand. Maybe it's because if I didn't I'd usually be able to come up with something around 10-12 a.m. and between 4-6 p.m. better than any other time frame, now that I think about it. So I guess that could be why those times are "triggers" for me.
I'm not doing all that great with this right now. I'm still taking the suboxone but I'm dying for hydrocodone or oxycodone. It's time for me to go to the doctor right now too. I'm wanting badly to rationalize going to the dr and getting my script of Lortab filled, because my appointment is not until the 25th with the suboxone dr. I've also heard that I needed opiates in my system when I see the addiction specialist, is there any truth to this?
I'm still resisting so far, but I can't help but wish that I could have gotten into see the doctor when I made the decision to go into treatment. I'm afraid I will wind up going on to my regular doc, and if I do that, I'm afraid I'll just say "screw it" and not do this, and I know if I do I might as well kiss my new job that I start next month goodbye.
I just keep telling myself that my firstborn daughter is 3, and my twins are 6 months old, and if I keep going like I've always been one day I'll hear my daughters or son say to me, "Yeah, mama, you were a good mama....as long as you had your shit. If you didn't, you didn't play with us, you were hateful and/or weepy, and didn't concentrate on anything but working that telephone til you found it, then loaded us all up and carried us to God knows where to get it. THEN, soon as you popped you a pill, you'd act like a mother again." I have too many family members and friends that have children that have watched them be enslaved to addiction the whole time they grew up to be naive enough to think they won't notice, and won't resent me for it. So I'm trying. But Jesus, it's hard.
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Unread 07-17-2012, 08:20 AM   #7
deanna
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I hope you read this when you wake up. Your post made me sad. Im serious!! You have the ability to change things, so please dont give up. Why dont you try taking more suboxone. It is meant to take away cravings and withdrawals, so if you are still craving pills, then maybe your dose is too low.
Secondly, You have to call the doctor and cancel the appointment. Thats what I did when I started suboxone. I used to get vicoden from him every month. I called and said "sorry, I am going to quit taking the vicoden, I am not going to be coming every month anymore" and that was that.

Read and reread what you wrote in your post about your children. That is no life for them and you know it!!! They are innocent and they deserve better.

So , my suggestion is to up your dose of suboxone if you are still having cravings. Then call you rsub doctor and tell him whats going on. Or show up at their office and tell then you need help. Thats what I would do. Dont give up, things will get better I PROMISE!!
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Unread 07-17-2012, 08:42 AM   #8
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Hi mamaoffmeds, deanna has a lot of good input for you. If you're craving that badly now, do you have enough to take more to stop them? Call the Suboxone doctor and ask them if you can get in earlier or get yourself on a cancellation list.

As far as having opiates in your system, every doctor is different. Some test the patients before, others will just give a prescription, others will do an induction in the office. But you can explain that instead of getting painpills off the street, you opted to take Suboxone instead. There's no need to go backwards and get painpills. If anything, see if your friend can give you more Suboxone.

Don't give up. Sign up on the matching system if you haven't to see if you can get an earlier appointment:
https://www.treatmentmatch.org/patients.cfm

Keep posting, even if it's just to get things off of your chest.

Your children deserve better and YOU deserve better.

Nancy
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