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Unread 09-20-2010, 10:42 AM   #1
Kvorm
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Default Husband gets mean when drunk

Hi, I am new to this.....
My husband does not drink every day but it's when he does drink when the problem starts! He drinks so much that he has blackouts and forgets what he did. This started about9 months ago, he grabbed me one night and shoved me out of his friends house! Shouted that it's the end of our marriage and I ended up blue and bruised on my arms! Since then there was 4 more blackouts and the last one was a week ago! He always threatens me with devorce and say how bad I am as a wife! He insults my father, and degrades me! The last time he called me all sort of things and shouted in the street that I am ungrateful and that must take the clothes off that he payes for..... It hurts my feelings and I can't forget the hurtful things said! He says that he doesn't mean them but how do I know! On Friday night he took a client out and only came home at 4 in the morning! I worry that he will kill himself driving but that doesn't bother him. He loves me I know that, he spoils me and the boys! We have a problem in our sex life ( once a week ) and he says I changed since my mom past away! I am a loner, don't trust people and we live in a small mining town where everyone drinks except me! What I am asking is what is wrong? Is it me? Please help!
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Unread 09-20-2010, 12:20 PM   #2
theswan
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Hello

I am in AA sober 23 years. This has nothing to do with you. Your husband is a sick man and need help. You cannot hel him. He must seek help himself. All you can do is help yourself and kids.

let him know this has to stop but put no ultimatium on him yet. Get to the nearest alanon meeting and follow the steps for you.

You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, You cannot Cure it!

God bless and good luck

Glen
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Unread 09-20-2010, 02:00 PM   #3
carjohn11
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Kvorm,

I am in recovery myself but I have experience with what you are talking about.

I have a "friend" who is the same way you are describing. We no longer associate with him because of it. He would get so drunk and so mean to his wife in front of everyone. At times he would get drunk and take it out on whoever was around but he did not drink daily. When he drank he became a different person and the next day he would not own his behavior. He'd blame the alcohol and say that he did not even remember doing it, etc.... She'd make excuses for him or laugh it off the next day saying they were both drunk so she could claim to not remember what he did to her. It was horrible to be around.

You are not to blame. NOT drinking in a town where everyone else does makes you the strong one. You are the one who is staying healthy. I wish I was as strong as you when surrounded by all that drinking.

If you are wanting to be home and alone more after losing your mother, there is nothing wrong with that either. It is healthy to get out and socialize after and during grief but that does not mean drinking.

Can your husband ever have just a drink or two? Does he always drink in excess when he does drink? If he can't control his drinking once he has started, that is a sure fire sign that he has a problem with alcohol. Also, whether he remembers doing and saying those horrible things to you or not, they are still wrong. Alcohol is not to blame. He is to blame for drinking so much alcohol that he does these things. If he does not own the behavior, it won't change.

This is just my opinion of course and I wish you the very best.
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Unread 09-20-2010, 06:02 PM   #4
CarlyO
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Default Welcome Kvorm !

Dear Kvorm,

Welcome to the forum, I think you will find a lot of support here. First off, NO it is not YOU ! He is sick, he needs help asap. And harming you is NOT acceptable. None of this is your fault, in no way, shape or form do you cause it. Please do not rationalize his behavior that he somehow "spoils" you and your children, that it makes it acceptable. It doesn't.

if I may ask , you mentioned children are they in the home , do they witness his behavior ? When you read the info and other posts you will realize the damaging effects that this has on children. Magda, another moderator has posted a lot on this very topic from personal experience.

Also, has your husband ever sought help for his alcohol issues? If so, what did he try and what happened? It sounds like he in denial,based on his behavior towards you..i.e. the blame game, which is common, it is not right but it happens and I know it is so very hurtful, hard to forget what he says and does and you mentioned that you yourself are dealing with grief over the death of your Mother.
Have you had or considered counseling and/or AlAnon ? for your grief issues and to find a way to cope , make a plan?

Please read the link below, read the other threads from members, you will find a lot of insight , ideas, options, based on other's experiences, and I hope you know that you are NOT alone.

Coming here and educating yourself is a great place to start- imo, then maybe start considering a plan, as there are many options. You do not have to live this way and my main concern is that you and your children are safe. You posted that you worry he may harm himself while driving, imo please also remember he can harm innocent people, esp. in a Blackout, it happens everyday.

I know this is a lot to take in, but untreated alcoholism is a progressive disease, it gets worse but it is treatable. As you know from what you have been through with him- it affects the entire family.

Please post back if you have any questions, need to vent, you will get a lot of support here. In the meantime, stay safe, make a plan - do you have friends/family for support, an emergency place to stay? People in blackouts do not know what they are doing, so even if it means calling the police, it could save your life !
Please take care, and again, glad you reached out... Carly

Helpful reading material for family members- click on Link....

http://www.alcoholanswers.org/friends-family/
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.

Last edited by CarlyO; 09-20-2010 at 06:08 PM.. Reason: spelling
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Unread 09-21-2010, 03:46 AM   #5
Magda
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Welcome to the site! No, it is not you! When you are surrounded by people who drink and you don't, it can lead you to believe that YOU are the one who is abnormal- BUT it is quite the contrary. I have been in this situation many times and it can be quite lonely- but know that it takes a great deal of strength and courage to not cave in to the surroundings. Keep the faith and know that alcohol=insanity.
You will not forget the hurtful things that your husband has said or done, sadly they stick and it can have a very strong impact on your life. The Jeckyl and Hyde persona of the alcoholic is
a nightmare for all that are involved with him. One of the most important things for you to do right now is to stay connected to a support system that keeps reminding you that none of this is your fault and teaches you about this disease and how to deal with it. This is a great place to begin and everyone understands what you are going through! Hang in there and keep writing!
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 09-21-2010, 07:39 AM   #6
Kvorm
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Hi,

Geez what a response! Thank you to all that explained! My children never witness his behavior (lucky), nut after a night out he does brake his promises to play with them cause he is either to tired or he blames me for nagging! As I said, he doesn't drink often. Does this make him an alcoholic or just a social drinker? He says he is no alcoholic and never drinks on his own or everyday. But when he does go all out he doesn't stop!

We are expats and far from family, that makes it very difficult. I really dont know what to do. I dont want to leave him but I am sure that if this happens again I will leave with my children.

What is awful is that he told me that he will not stop drinking.....that scares me cause next time it might be worse. He says he loves me and that what he says when drunk means nothing and not true. What to do? Wait for the next one or pack my children up and go back to my home country?

I do thank all of you from my heart for the messages. Nice to know that I am not the problem!
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Unread 09-22-2010, 10:32 AM   #7
CarlyO
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""" We are expats and far from family, that makes it very difficult. I really dont know what to do. I dont want to leave him but I am sure that if this happens again I will leave with my children.""

Hi Kvorm,

I am sorry to read that you are far from family.... Do some research where you live, you can go to a domestic violence shelter, the goal being to keep you and kids safe, and they will help you secure housing, work, help with counseling for you and the kids.
At least find the emergency number and keep it with you at all times, they will come pick you and the kids up anytime anywhere - 24/7.

Keep us posted and you are NOT alone - take care, Carly
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 09-22-2010, 10:05 PM   #8
R. Lee
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Kevorm, Like the others said this is not your fault.
Yes he has a drinking problem. Yes he is a danger to you. He has no respect for you. It is not worth your life to stay with someone like this. The next time he abuses you call the police. You & your kids do not have to live like this.
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Unread 09-27-2010, 08:45 AM   #9
CarlyO
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Dear Kvorm,

How are you and family doing? It has been a few days, just wanted to check on you.
If you have any questions please ask and we will try to find the info for you. The members here care and will listen and support you!
Carly
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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