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Unread 05-11-2009, 10:40 AM   #1
sherrylmd
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Default Do they mean the things they say when drunk?

My fiance sometimes says really cruel things when drunk. He then comletely denies saying the things the next day, or says I shouldn't hold him accountable for what he says in that state (which last week was every evening). Examples are: "I am only living with you so I won't be homeless"; "I am no longer attracted to you at all." When sobor the next day he apologizes profusely and swears he loves me. I think there must be some kernel of truth in his drunk talk or he wouldn't say these things. Anyone else experience this?
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Unread 05-11-2009, 11:36 AM   #2
CASEY
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Hi sherrylmd,

Some say there is a Little Truth in what people say when they are drunk. It sound's like he put's you down when he is drinking. That should be unacceptable to you.
Because really does his apology the next day really help you, I doubt it - word's can hurt for a long time and they are never forgotten.
I Wish You Luck,
Casey
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Unread 05-11-2009, 06:24 PM   #3
1418
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I think you are questioning which person is he - the jerk or the nice guy? My guess is that he is both... just like many alcoholics. My husband is mean as can be when he has been drinking - and nice as can be when he is sober. Many of us stay in our relationships becuase we hope/pray that the "nice" persona wins and triumphs over the jerk. It can become exhausting trying to figure out which persona they "really" are. I would instead focus on - what do YOU think of all this? What do YOU think of him when he is a jerk? Only you can determine if he is worth being with (e.g. if the nice guy wins out over the jerk). I can tell you - everyone deserves to be with a nice guy.
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Unread 05-12-2009, 06:37 PM   #4
CarlyO
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Hi Sherrymd,

I think Casey and 1418 both posted valid responses. You have been with him for over 2 years and I am betting he really is nice guy when not drinking, BUT You have to ask yourself if you can live like this. Sooner or later it may start to change your feeligs towards him, as it would most people. Bottom line, under the influence of alcohol or not ; no one should have to endure comments like that.

Is he completely against getting at least an assessment for alcohol misuse? Has his drinking increased since a year ago ? I would say look at thing like that plus the behavior when when he drinks and do some serious soul searching.

Do you have a support - friends to talk to ? Remember to take care of YOU in all of this. Please keep us posted on how things are going and if we can help. Take care, Carly
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Unread 05-13-2009, 01:11 AM   #5
jerryg
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sherrylmd,

Sad to say what comes out of his mouth is from him. To try to figure which part of him is in control or speaking will mean you will have to accept and share the insanity of his condition. The intoxication disinhibits him and he expresses those things he keeps repressed while sober. But in the chaos of his drinking there is no editing capacity. It all comes out, in a chaotic fashion. Drunk or sober that is him talking, and he knows what he is saying, given the fact he is apologizing when he sobers up. I would say it probably has more to do with his own self loathing and shame, but you bear the brunt of his disgust and self hatred. It's not you. But you really need to look at this relationship. Is this what you want? Don't be confused by the Jekyll/ Hyde analogies, he is the same man drunk or sober. And you have to deal with him in that sense. He has serious issues to work out and must stop drinking, if not you must question your role and presence in the relationship.
Hard choices to make.
All the best
Jerry
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Unread 05-17-2009, 12:01 PM   #6
CarlyO
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Hi Sherrlymd,

Just wanted to check on you, hope all is well. : ) carly
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Unread 06-05-2009, 10:07 AM   #7
sherrylmd
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Thanks for asking about me Carly. My BF and 25 year old daughter (who was living with us until July during her husband's deployment) had it out last Friday night. They both hurled insults at each other for an hour and then she packed up her stuff and left for good with my 5 month old grandson in tow. He then blasted me for staying neutral and decided he was breaking up with me. We broke up last fall for 2 months and it was hell as he has no money and has to stay for a long time until he can save up money to leave. So he is now out of my bedroom and is being very cool towards me. He has cut back to 2 or 3 beers most days, and is somewhat civil except for occasional lectures about what b-tches me and my 2 daughters are. Monday he did get very drunk (vodka) while I was at work. He kept calling to harass me. I stayed at my other daughter's home till bed time. He was alseep when I got home, thank God, or he may have become violent. The weekend scares me as that is when he is more likely to drink heavily. I am just kind of numb at this point; putting one foot in front of the other trying to carry on. I will not choose him over my daughters, even though they are grown. He can leave, but he will possibly change his mind and come back sweet talking me. He sobors up to pull himslef together in order to leave; then we get along better and make up; then he starts drinking more (because he says I drive him to it); then the cycle repeats. What a life...
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Unread 06-08-2009, 05:17 PM   #8
jerryg
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Sherry,
I am going to be direct...
You let your daughter leave, you did choose him over her. Sad to say, you need to cut this man loose. Sweet talk or not, why do you allow him to stay? And if you care about your relationship with your daughter, let him go and start mending fences with her.
You already know this.

Be honest with yourself.
Jerry
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Unread 06-09-2009, 09:21 PM   #9
SLynn
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Sherrylmd

I have to agree with Jerry. What is the positive of this relationship that keeps you hanging on? What does he give you that you can't live without? Put yourself first and your daughter second.

SLynn
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