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Unread 07-09-2008, 03:54 AM   #1
toomuchliss
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I really was doing so good and then I got back to seeing a former fiancee who is mentally abusive. I had not taken my blood pressure medication nor my xanax today and had a panic attack. My boyfriend came into my home and accused me of using today. He told me I was an inconsiderate crazy bitch and that I have caused all the chaos in his life and am the reason he cannot find a girlfriend in NA. He tore me down so bad that I thought I wish I was dead. I had 64 days of clean time and thank god that I was able to make it thru work today and realized that a feeble attempt at suicide would end me up in the psych ward with no job. He is not worth that!
I will no longer attend anymore of those NA meetings they are full of backstabbing losers and people who talk about me behind my back according to Rich. I finally broke down tonight and got something to drink and am feeling much better.
I think i am going to have to get an order of protection to keep him away because he tells people all kinds of things about me in the NA groups and I am not going to go where I have to see him. I am going to get to bed tonight and pray he does not get into my home and harm me anymore. I cannot take it! He is more wicked than any man I have ever known in sofar as being mentally abusive. Can I get an OP to protect myself from him coming in here and causing me mental anguish. I would never just show up at his home but he was in my bed when i got home and I cannot change the locks as I cannot afford it and he has the code on the garage to get in. How do you reprogram the code. I do not know how. I just talked to someone in NA and they got me to promise to go to a womens meeting. Suboxone is not fatal is it. I am not going to try anything stupid but wondered if you took too much what would occur? Just curious.
Thank you people for being here. I have found suboxone works well for me but think that I have accidentaly taken two doses in one day because i forget that i take it in the am and then I get up and do not recall taking it earlier. I was short 7 pills. I just could not figure it out.
I am just curious. I had a phone call from someone who was sick asking me for some sub and I told them I only had enough pills to get myself thru til my next refill.
Is suboxone a dangerous drug? Could someone die from an od of it?

I AM NOT THINKING ABOUT THIS BUT WAS WONDERING WHY IT IS SO CONTROLLED. WHY DO I ONLY GET 30 DAYS INSTEAD OF 90?

I am going to take my makeoff off and get ready to watch a movie and drink my third wine cooler. Mikes lemonade. I feel much better now that I have relaxed and realized that I do not need to go to such wierd mental trips, contemplating killing myself over a loser. I am not going to end up in a psych ward or on dialysis. i just want to know if sub is dangerous as i really do not want to think that I could be charged with manslaugter by giving someone in need (withdraw) a sub. I am going to be okay. I am sad that I had to drink over such a loser but I am feeling better now and am getting tired. I hope someone can please tell me something positive about their recovery or overcoming relationships that are toxic. god bless and i look forward to someone writing me. Rach
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Unread 07-09-2008, 04:33 AM   #2
angelout
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Ok sweetie, get a grip and now!!! Dont mix sub and booze, it can kill you. If you take too much sub it will just make you feel lousy. if you mix it with booze, you can have problems, so stop drinking your lemonade. Dont share your sub either, if you want to make your own recovery work, you have to be responsible with the meds and not give them out, because they have to last you and your Dr might not want to give you more if you run short.
You dont need NA to have a successful recovery, I have been off drugs for three years and dont go to NA, especially if you feel negative energy there about your guy friend. By the way, you need to move or change the locks or have somebody strong stay with you. You have to do something to put space between you and this guy, and get it gone. sounds like people are pushing your bittons, so retreat.
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Unread 07-09-2008, 04:38 AM   #3
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If you should decide to "share" with somebody in need, make them stay with you. You could do 2 mg increments every 4 hours....post details of the case and others will jump in. You must be ready to assume responsibilty for the other persons welfare if you do give them Sub so be very very discerning. I wouldnt unless it was life or death.
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Unread 07-09-2008, 05:14 AM   #4
gotoffmdone
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I know it is hard not to be affected by what other people say, especially when in recovery. Our self esteem has already taken a hit and usually the hit was at our own hands.

But you cannot let you self-worth be determined by what someone else says about you or, to you. This guy knows exactly what he is doing. As long as he knows he is getting to you and, as someone else said, pushing your buttons, he will continue.

Being a former fiancee, it is possible he feels heavily invested in you and has no clue on how to deal with the new you. He may feel threatened. Being a guy myself, feeling threatened is a sign we are not too secure in our own person. Lashing out and hurling insults is all some people know to do.

He will separate himself from you, if he feels he has no more influence. Try not to give him power over you and he will be history. Now, if he keeps barging in, and, you feel threatened physically, call the cops and have report taken.

I wish you well.

Wayne
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Unread 07-09-2008, 10:46 AM   #5
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Hi Rachel, I've read of people taking very large amounts (one person, 88mg) of bupe and the only thing that happened was that they were more constipated and very tired. It's when the person starts mixing other respiratory depressants in large quantities - that can be harmful and even fatal - respiratory failure. Most deaths where bupe was involved also involved large amounts of benzos and alcohol.

You should not share your medication with anyone. It is illegal and could get you into trouble. If this person needs help, give him/her the name of your physician so s/he can get proper help.

I'm sorry that your ex-fiance is harassing you. Think about getting a restraining order. Don't let his words get to you. He's trying to cut you down because you're doing so well. A women's meeting might just be the thing that will be good for you at this point. Call the garage door opener company and see if they can help you change that code. Maybe stop at a hardware store or the like and see if they have those locks on the back of the door like in hotel rooms. That might be enough to deter him.

Best wishes.
Nancy
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Unread 07-09-2008, 11:35 AM   #6
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Hi Rachel, Focus, focus, focus! You are doing so great, you have a great job, you are on track again now with sub, you have great doctors, now take control of yourself again. I really believe that Rich preferred the "old" Rachel that he could feel superior over. You are too great of a person to put up with that. It does not cost anything to get a protective order. Domestic abuse is quite serious and there are laws to protect you. Procedure in my town for a protective order is to go to the county courthouse and request one. A judge interviews you and you tell the judge specifics of why you are afraid. A temporary protective order is issued with a hearing set up in 10 or 15 days. The other party is served notice by the sheriff dept. Both parties can be at the hearing, and both can testify. If the judge feels there is danger then the temporary protective order is extended for a one year term. See, the procedure is pretty easy and it will not cost you anything. Like Nancy said the garage door people will tell you how to change the code. Do you have a sponsor from AA or NA? If you do now is the time to call them, and if you don't then now is the time to get one! Do not ever give anyone any of your prescribed medication, NO MATTER WHAT. If they are truly in serious condition take them to the ER, and you can always direct them to your doctor for treatment. Rachel, Rachel, take care of yourself-you are the important one here. Focus, focus, focus. You can get back on track very easily now. You need to dump the "lemonade" and get to a women's meeting for support. You have come way too far to even think about allowing this to stop your progress!!!!!!! Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get going again. Keep posting-we care about you here and want good things for you.

Nan
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Unread 07-09-2008, 02:43 PM   #7
TIM
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Quote:
quote:Originally posted by toomuchliss

...
Is suboxone a dangerous drug? Could someone die from an od of it?

I AM NOT THINKING ABOUT THIS BUT WAS WONDERING WHY IT IS SO CONTROLLED. WHY DO I ONLY GET 30 DAYS INSTEAD OF 90?
STIGMA! There is no clinical reason, it all has to do with stigma and old ways of thinking. When compared to full agonist opioids (prescribed without limits) bupe is very safe, the ceiling effect of the partial agonist virtually eliminates the chance of fatal OD, in an otherwise healthy person, especially one with a tolerance for opioids already.

Doctors can prescribe 6 month supplies of bupe if they choose to. The restrictions around bupe are NOT supported by any evidence whatsoever, it is all unfounded fear and stigma. Changing the stigma will help change these perception, and is why it is part of NAABT's mission.
Tim
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Unread 07-09-2008, 02:57 PM   #8
phone
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Rachel, I worry very much that you are drinking. You are taking many medications, not just sub, that could be a dangerous dangerous mix. Remember the things that happen to you when you drink? Please don't go back down that road.

Yes, you can get a restraining order if someone threatens you. Did he threaten you or do you feel threatened? I think you go to your Courthouse and file. Do you really need to file one though or is this just to get back at him?

If you are feeling really depressed with suicidal ideation, it might be good to get into your psychiatrist TODAY. No one is going to lock you in the psych ward unless you have a Plan and Intent. Suicidal Ideation is different than Planning Suicide. Thoughts of suicide means you need more help with your Mental Health issues, in my opinion.

Take care and be careful. I would never give my subs out bc I would not want to risk losing my RX. It is hard bc my husband needs them and I want to start him on what I have, but I am doing the right thing, in my mind, and he has an appointment to get his own this month. I cannot control his recovery or his opiate use. What may be "helping" someone is only aiding them in not being accountable for their own treatment. How easy to just get subs from a friend, rather than to go to your own doc, sign a treatment plan, clean UA's, etc. I would consider this to be enabling.

I hope the very best for you!! Please take care of yourself first.

Love,

Ember
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Unread 07-09-2008, 02:58 PM   #9
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Rachel,

Even if you were/are thinking of taking too many pills,,,i would say to you from my own past experience its not always a pretty picture of going to sleep and never waking up.,,,You could end up like i did waking up to tubes being shoved up places they shouldnt be and dialysis or much worse!!maybe going blind and crippled and not even being able to end it if you wanted to!!Just in case it ever does cross your mind think about what i just said and how much worse you could be if you took too many pills.
Take care,,get help,,and try to stay away from controlling idiots!!
Tattoo Tommy
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Unread 07-09-2008, 03:25 PM   #10
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Hi Rachel,

Please post and let us know how you are doing today. Have you considered switching groups? Sometimes it is best to start fresh in a new group and build healthy relationships, or even switch to AA or other support group. Maybe give another group a try, it sounds like you need support now more than ever.

If your BF has threatened you with physical harm, call the police asap, if he is mentally abusive, there is not much the law can do, maybe a restraining order for harassment. Sometimes domestic violence starts off with verbal threats and escalates so please be careful. Change the locks, have someone come over and help you make sure he cannot get in. IMO- stay away from him, no one is worth jeopardizing your progress, sanity, welfare.....
I hope today is a better day and please post when you can. Take care - Isa
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Unread 07-10-2008, 03:49 AM   #11
toomuchliss
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To everyone who responded to me; thank you so much. I just got home from work and I have neglected the good friendships I have to have my life revolve around a loser who is just using me. I found out also that he was hitting on another woman and she was NOT INTERESTED. It is painful to find out that while he was using me for a number of things and demanding so much from me he was actually trying to pick up another woman while he demanded me to be available for him 24/7 when ever he felt like coming by. I have given 100% and have been a fool for allowing it. Flowers bought to compensate for abusive and downright destructive behavior to keep me feeling that I am defective and a selfish and making accusations of me having been using when I was not. He has really hurt my selfesteem and knows how to push my buttons. I do not understand why someone would treat me so badly and I would get so depressed that I would contemplate ending my life because he convinced me that I am worthless and demand that I be there at his beck and call to do things for him like give him rides and put his car in my name so he does not have to worry about the cops calling in his liscense plate to discover he has no liscense and no insurance. I was to try and get the guy who is selling the car to put it in my name and get plates and insurance on it for him. I have really been hurt and do not know why I allow someone to use me like this. The fact that he is able to hurt my feeling is what I do not understand. What is wrong with me to let the same thing occur again and again. I was getting some sense of self respect and self worth and he did not like me feeling any sense of confidence. He knows how to cause me emotional pain and I do not know why I hurt. My heart is broken and I feel betrayed and abandoned. Why is this? I cannot explain why I feel so sad. I was doing so good.
When will I start to feel better? How do I make this emotional pain go away? I am really saddened and feel that I must really be insane to not be able to rationally see the relationship as being toxic.
What causes me to feel grief over rejection by such a mean and controlling person.
I put in all my heart and soul into trying to make him happy and am now feeling worthless and am quite frankly deeply hurt. What can help me. I promised a girlfriend that I would go to a womans meeting on saturday for some help. I am trying to pray for him as he is sicker than I am for doing this to me. I would never do this to someone else. Tell me that this will pass and what will help me to become more independent and not needing the approval of someone who has used me and hurt me. This is not how i want to live life feeling worthless and rejected. I hope this feeling will go away. Your kind words and encouragement are really appreciated. I will pray for him as that is what you are supposed to do to people who have done you harm. Isn't that the right thing to do?
I am feeling a bit better about myself than I did last night, but i feel empty and abandoned. I did not do anything to deserve this; and I truly am confused about why this is something I replay over and over...it is though I lost my best friend and why can't I see that he was not really that...Am I crazy or what? I do not get it.
I will pray for strength to take care of myself and move forward with my life.... this has been indescribably painful and I hope that the black cloud over me goes away. Thank you all for caring and being kind enough to care about me. I really will try to hang in there and pray for peace and serenity to return... i was so happy when I was under the illusion that he cared about me and wanted to make a life with me. I am devastated by the fact that he was using me. I am ashamed that I did not have the ability to understand that I have been played the fool in so far as this relationship goes. Ouch.
Your responses and suggestions and the fact you care enough about me to help me through this is giving me the courage to keep on going and get back on tract. I hope this pain goes away soon. thank you all for your help. it means alot to me.
God bless you all. Rachel
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Unread 07-10-2008, 10:14 AM   #12
NancyB
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Hi Rachel, sometimes it's hard to see things when you're in the middle of it. It can take stepping back and looking at the situation objectively instead of subjectively. You've done well in writing these things down. Perhaps make another list. The Pros and Cons of this man. I believe if you do that, your list of Cons will greatly out number the Pros.

Please, if you're not already, consider finding a good therapist to help you through this.

You deserve much more than him. You deserve to be happy.

In my thoughts.
Nancy
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Unread 07-10-2008, 11:49 AM   #13
gotoffmdone
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I know it is said often, but regardless of the type of pain we feel, whether it be from withdrawals, broken bones or emotional hurt the only thing that truly heals is TIME.

I used to get sick of hearing the cliche, "one day at a time". But it is true. Sometimes we have to break those 'days at a time' into 'minutes at a time'. Time can have way of making things better but it all depends on what we do in the mean time.

I started taking pills at the ripe old age of 30. I used them to anesthesize the guilt and shame I felt. The guilt and shame I felt was a negative consequence resulting from a spilt second decision I had made some 3 years earlier.

I used to be the happiest person I knew. I would not have changed places with anyone.

It wasn't the pills that caused me my happy-go-lucky status. Rather, it was the result of a bad decision. The pills kept me from dealing with the consequences of my action and managing my problem. They also led to more bad decisons and more negative consequences.

In my atttempt not to feel anything, I stopped caring about the things that were once important to me. But, once addicted, I was unable to see the forrest because I was beating my head against a tree. It was like sitting on the very front row in a movie theater, if you know what I mean.

Addiction to pills is a very weird thing. It is a conundrum. Their use can rob us of everything we have. Then we feel as if they're all we've got. Come hell or high water, we don't want give them up. Afterall, what would we have left.

Using pills, I never did manage the original problem that lead me to want to take them in the first place. I was hoping my problem would just go away. Every time I detoxed and left the security of some rehab center, life was there waiting for me, along with all of the new problems I'd gathered along the way. I would relapse and return. Things never got better. I just got older.

I wasted 20 years of my life. I used pills from the age of 30 till the age of 50. I had a heck of a career going at the age of 30. The 20 years I used pills should have been among my most productive and lucrative years.

Methadone was the opiate I used the last ten years. It kept me out of trouble but it, too, kept me from feeling. In terms of my career, my life would have been better had I been able to start methadone earlier. But only because I would not have had to chase it on a daily basis. But, when I first tried to get on methadone, the year was 1987. People taking a few hydrocodones a day were not allowed on methadone. You had to have a IV heroin habit. Years later the methadone clinic where I lived took people with borderline dependencies. Everyone was welcome.

I have been on Sub for almost 2 years. I am anything but the happy-go-lucky person I once was. But I am not as miserable as I used to be. The fact I can feel anything is a positive sign. It is also difficult to deal with at times. I have many regrets and a whole lot of "if only(s)". Knowing what my life could have been like, but for addiction, is my biggest obssession. I think about it every day. That is the hardest thing for me to deal with and overcome.

Starting over is very hard to do. But, if I don't continue making this fresh start and the next 20 years pass me by as fast as the last 20, I will go to my grave with nothing but regrets and one other "if only".

I wish you the best.
Wayne



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Unread 07-10-2008, 12:34 PM   #14
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Hi, Rachel. I think we can most agree that the pain of a broken heart is one of the worst pains a person can go through! Finding out the person you loved does not love you, used you, spun you around, then spit you out sucks to say the least.
I've had a few broken hearts in my time. This was after amphetamines but before opiates. SO I had really nothing to kill the pain. I remember just rolling in bed Hurting from my gut to my brain, going over and over again in my head "why why why".

There is this book called "How to Survive the Loss of a Love." It's a handy little book, I think you can get it at any major bookstore. One page I do remember, though, is "Don't pick up that phone to call him/her." I know how hard it is, it almost like a relapse, the pain is too great so you go back to the person. So write down a few places in your house to remind you DO NOT CALL HIM!! Call anyone else in stead, come here and write, journal, etc. Journaling was the only thing I knew to do when my heart was busted, and it just helped to writewrite write the pain. Then it is interesting to read after you start healing too.
Some eastern philosophies would tell you to "Embrace your pain." Bc that is the pain of Love and Loss, and only by embracing it FEELING IT, not avoiding it, can you get THROUGH it.
Also stay busy. Don't let that BaSStrd know he hurt you! He doesn't deserve the satisfaction.

That is my broken hearted help. Just know we've all had it.
And he did things to hurt You. Don't allow yourself to call yourself "an idiot" or whatever you might say for allowing it. You opened yourself up to Love, and that is Good. If we stay Bitter, we will not Love again. And life is about love.

I am sorry, Rachel, for your broken heart and your pain. Yes, it will get better. That phrase "Time heals all wounds" , I believe to be true. Especially broken hearted wounds.

People love you. Good people that did not use and destroy you. Keep open to Good Love!!!!

Love, Ember
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Unread 07-10-2008, 01:11 PM   #15
gotitang
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Rachel
Look at this line!
When will I start to feel better? How do I make this emotional pain go away? I am really saddened and feel that I must really be insane to not be able to rationally see the relationship as being toxic.
If one of us were to write this.....what would your response be????
Answer to 1st question....When you put your recovery above anything anyone has to say!
Question 2.....Go to meetings, get a sponsor to work the steps and to help you see your shortcomings and change the way you feel. A good sponsor will help you see (through working the steps) patterns that set your life up to be a victum.
NOW for the last statement. Insanity comes in many forms....I don't know if you are "insane" but if are an Alcohlic/addict then you have many years of insane behavior. Allowing others dominate us, use us, manipulate us, or us doing those things to others are survival skills learned to shield our dis-ease! Breaking down those patterns are what give us relief and build self-esteem. Get some guidance from a member of a meeting that "has the kind of sobriety you want." ask that person to sponsor you and start following directions. Then and ONLY then will you change your life and start to feel sane.
You can do this Rachel....The journey is long and hard but the rewards come quickly for most. I pray I will NEVER again have to accept someone in my life that treats me "less than what I'm worth". Today I know I am a good person and that I am Loved by many. I could not have said that a few years ago. Do the work Rachel and you will see the results. I'm praying for you.
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Unread 07-10-2008, 01:16 PM   #16
OhioMike
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You have been given wonderful advice and support in this thread, there really isn't much I can add. Just please consider this, professional therapy and help on dealing with these emotions. As wonderful as friend and peer support and advice can be, a professional can help teach you things which you can use now and forever to help manage difficult times with and to get more enjoyment from happy times with. It played a large role when needed in my early recovery.

Hang in there, good days are ahead.

OMike
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