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Unread 03-01-2008, 11:49 PM   #1
14188
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Default Anger/hate themselves?

Does anybody else out there hate themselves? I get so mad at myself for letting things go on like this. I hate myself for it, and then suddenly I am thinking about how I weigh too much, I'm too this, I'm too that, etc... Of course, he drinks becuase I don't give him enough sex (low libido due to antidepressants), so it is my fault. As you can tell, I need the antidepressants - sometimes I can hear the "I wish I were dead" voice in my head. I really don't - I would NEVER take my own life, but what I wouldn't give to have one our at complete peace. One hour of not worrying if my job is on the line, if he is down on me becuaes it has been 6 days since we've been intimate, not mad at myself becuase when he leaned down and kissed me goodbye today he also grabbed my chest.. He is so darn clueless. As if it makes me feel special when he treats me like a piece of meat. He leaves and I end up wiping my chest, as if I can wipe away his touch.

Does anybody else go through depressing/self hatred for putting up with their drinking?
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Unread 03-02-2008, 12:39 AM   #2
daily2me
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its like your so discusted by him....why would you sleep with him???? I feel the same way. Why dont they get it?
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Unread 03-02-2008, 01:02 AM   #3
so tired
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I feel EXACTLY the same way. My husband tells me the same thing too, that he drinks because of me, because we don't have enough sex, etc. But how can his being drunk put me in the mood? I do want to be more intimate, and I'll think about it when we're not together, but then the minute I walk in the door and he's drunk, those thoughts get checked at the door. He also does the same thing about grabbing my chest or something when I try to hug him. I do understand his need for intimacy. I feel it too. But maybe if he were sober more often, we'd have sex more often. It seems like he just wants to do it in the morning so he can hurry up and start drinking. But after having dealt with him the night before, I'm hardly in the mood.
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Unread 03-02-2008, 05:26 AM   #4
givemestrength
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i left my husband today he promised me that he was going into treatment on wednesday he spent all of my rent money today on booze and didnt come home when i found him he said it was my fault cuase i wouldnt go to treatment with him(i dont drink) i told him i wanted a divorce he told me to f*** myself and still hasnt come home i did nothing wrong how come im sitting here worried about him and our marriage whille hes out partying
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Unread 03-04-2008, 02:18 AM   #5
sassygirl
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Every alcoholic needs and excuse to drink.you have become his "scapegoat" this is why you are depressed.Try to find Alanon in your area.you will find love in those rooms.I am a long time member and it has been a blessing.you will find that you are a person worth loving.It is a ugly disease.At least try to get the big book of Alanon.It is a real eye opener.It will teach you how to keep the focus on yourself and to love yourself.Alanon is about healing from the effects the alacohol has had on your life.
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Unread 03-10-2008, 06:36 AM   #6
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I completely understand how you feel. When I read your post, I felt like I could have written it word for word.
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Unread 03-10-2008, 02:27 PM   #7
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I know how you all feel. I have been seperated for 2 months, it is all my fault or so I have been told. She said that she has to selfish for her recovery. We haven't been intimate for awhile. She is not in the mood or some other reason. I am so tired of this crap. How do we fall into this trap. I am only good as long as my money comes in. I told her I want a divorce and explained that she is not going to get all the money she went nuts. Now she is not ready for a divorce it would to stressful. What the hell, I have been barely living because she gets all my money but it is too stressful. She goes to meetings telling everyone what an A-hole I am. I am just another no good man that is mistreating. She complained that I was always tired (I work 70 hrs/wk, she is home not working because she got hurt at work and collecting). But it is ok for her to be selfish.
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Unread 03-11-2008, 04:40 AM   #8
givemestrength
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i went back to my husband things were great for a week we have spent the last 2 days fighting cuase he wants to drink and decided once agian that he doesnt need to go to aa. im a stupid woman. soldier divorce may be too stressful for her but how is your marriage making you? we have spent our entire relationship playing that stable rock who sacrafices everything for nothing in return.yes we love them but when are we going to live for ourselves, do something that makes you happy and if part of that is filing for divorce, then maybe she'll see exactly what she cuased.but than agian i cant cant even listen to my own advice......
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Unread 03-11-2008, 05:29 PM   #9
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I know this stinks. I can't talk to her without her flipping out. I told her we can't talk, told her to email me, or text me or leave a voicemail message. She went out on a binge and it was my fault. Then she says that divorce would be too stressful for her and that she wants to stay seperated. I can't live my life in limbo. I want to go on with my life. I am not looking for another woman. I don't think I could deal with that. I am afraid. I have to start all over again. I am afraid that I will end up alone. I don't know what I am saying. I am really hurt by the whole thing.
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Unread 03-11-2008, 05:59 PM   #10
givemestrength
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i lost it last night he kept going on and on about alcohol saying that if i was going to get mad no matter what he did then he might as well drink, the funny thing is we do not fight and im a very happy person when hes sober. so i told him i didnt want to talk about it anymore. i will no longer spend my day fighting about alcohol if he wants to drink he can do it somewhere else. of course he said nothing. im going to my first al anon meeting tomarrow if things dont get better by the time my baby sister graduates(she lives with me) im moving back to my home town without him.
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Unread 03-11-2008, 06:04 PM   #11
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I hope that the meeting goes well, let me know. I need to go to a meeting. I think I am losing my mind. It is affecting the kids and because I am the only one they can talk to they get angry at me. I am sick of this.
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Unread 03-11-2008, 06:07 PM   #12
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hi all I havn't been on in a while and have tried to respond to a few messages but couldn't find the right words. What sticks out here is why is it always about the alcoholic??? That's how they control us. It's never about our feelings or about what we need/want it's always about them. Don't we have the right to be happy? Only we can decide what our future will hold. No matter how hard letting go may be, we have to find the strength inside us to do it. Soldier, when it comes to your kids, just keep contact with them, even if it's just to say hi and that you love them. In time, as they get older, they will realize why you did what you did. It's hard on kids no matter what, they need time also to adjust to the changes that have been made in there lives. Your wife doesn't want the divorce because she knows she'll be cut off financially and that puts responsibility on her, something they don't like. Does she have a job? Sometimes, I wish I had a shut off valve, so I could shut off my feelings for my husband, but thats not going to happen. I do love him, but I also love myself and my children and don't want them to think that this is a normal life. It's hard no matter what, but only we can change our future.
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Unread 03-11-2008, 06:42 PM   #13
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No she is on disablilty she got hurt a work. I know that it should be about us. I know that is why she doesn't want the divorce because she would lose control of the money. Right now my money (from both jobs) goes into our joint account. I am trying to get that changed. She controls the money and I get what ever I can out of the account. IF I am lucky about $150-200 which pays my gas, rent food, etc. She gets the rest. And it is pretty good money. Working 70 hours a week and she takes the rest. I tried to explain to her yesterday that. But according to her I am selfish, I don't care about the kids. That my kids hate me and are angry with me. I miss them alot. But they never seem to have time for the old man. I get my son every other weekend. He is pretty good. He understands alot and I am proud of him, but the girls they seem me as the bad dad.
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Unread 03-12-2008, 04:23 AM   #14
givemestrength
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you should it has nothing to do with my husbands drinking just about my pain and my thoughts wich is why i decided to go i need me. i miss me and i have been realizing lately that he can take everything he wants to but he cant take me.
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Unread 03-12-2008, 06:30 PM   #15
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Good for you. It is hard. There now has to be time for me. The "me time" is here. We can not feel guilty of needing to do for ourselves. Who is going to do for us if we can not even do for ourselves. It is time we stood up and say "IT IS ALL ABOUT ME". You don't like the new me tough. This is the me that I am suppose to be not want your drinking and put downs and insults have made me. You suppressed the real me. We are coming out of the shell. We need to realize that a beautiful butterfly is now coming out. (Of course I mean that in a manly way.....LOL). Take the bull by the horns and lets fly...
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Unread 03-12-2008, 10:57 PM   #16
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I'm pleased that you all have each other in this mess. Pleased and sorry at the same time. Keep talking with each other.....it's very theraputic. Also think of those who just read and don't respond. You have no idea how many people gain strenght from your evolving story.

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Unread 03-13-2008, 02:23 AM   #17
givemestrength
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you know what is really sad. i quit drinking a few months ago to see if he would stop with me i had my first drink today and now i feel like crap like i did something wrong...did I? ive never had a problem with it but sometimes its nice to have a glass or two.
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Unread 03-13-2008, 04:37 PM   #18
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SLynn, You are so correct. I come on this site numerous times just to read others postings. They give me help and support.

I too am in a relationship with someone trying to maintain sobriety. Even though he hasn't relapsed. At least I don't think he has. The same crazy, irrational behavior is continuing. Irrational accusations, directed at me. Even though I am in Al-Anon. And attend at least two meetings per week and also am seeing an addictions couselor. I still have difficulty dealing with these situations. He, too has learned my coping mechanisms and just engages me in these senseless arguments in a different manner. And the next thing I know we are at each others throats and are yelling and screaming. I think he on some weird level enjoys this. I think it fills the void of the alcohol and maybe stimulates his dopamine/excitment sensors in his brain. I don't know. All I know is it is painful. Without the help and support of Al-anon I would collapse. I encourage all to attend a meeting. Actually several until you find a home group. It is literally a life saver!
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Unread 03-13-2008, 05:11 PM   #19
thirdtime
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Give me strength -
I have been feeling the same as you. I too enjoy a glass or two every now and then and wonder if I stop he will stop too. I have been thinking that I have been drinking more since being with my husband too. But I don't drink during the week and also feel that guilt if I do want one during the week.
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Unread 03-13-2008, 06:38 PM   #20
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Look as long as you do not have a problem with alcohol you don't have a problem with alcohol. I like a fine wine or one good beer and I am set for a month or 6. Lets not feel guilty. This is not a we this a them situation. The only problem we have is the bulls*** that they give us. They pick fights because they are frustrated in there own situation. So to bring us down they attack us. The see with their eyes how strong we are getting and they don't like it. So they want the meek little person that we once was. Well guess what I ain't going down that road again. They either travel my road or the can go to hell. I am a great person. I am a catch. I am not perfect but damn I am really close.
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Unread 03-13-2008, 10:25 PM   #21
givemestrength
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thanks, im just getting so sick of dealing with this, the more im with him the more he drinks just to spite me. its making me hate him, ive never hated any one in my life. i cant stand looking at him let alone be in the same room as him. i feel like regardless of wether he gets sober or not we will no longer be together. and that upsets me. i never believed in divorce but its sounding so good to me.
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Unread 03-14-2008, 03:52 AM   #22
givemestrength
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ok i just need to vent so forgive this message if i ramble.
i got laid off of my job about 1 month ago, he told me that i didnt need to get another job that he kind of likes me being at home, so i have still been looking for another one just not as much as i normally would. last month i paid the rent and all the bills with my last check. the only thing he needed to do was to pay for this month. today he had the nerve to tell me that if it wasnt for him supporting me for "all these months" that i would have nothing. and im just trying to throw a power trip i was a paralegal(so its not like i was suffering). so highly disturbed i made a phone call and got another job within minutes of the argument so i tell him that he doesnt have to worry about "supporting" me anymore, he has the nerve to tell me not to go there he never had a problem with it. he has gotten completely crazy, i tried to get him to leave he refuses. (the house is in my name ive lived here before i even met him)everything in here is mine he had nothing when he met me but a bed. but i still have no say cuase the police siad that i cant make him leave cuase we are married the house is both of ours. how is this fare he can do whatever he wants when ever he wants to and the only option is to leave my house and everything i own. im better than this i have always been a really good person but hes making think really low. i dont like the person im becoming. thanks for letting me ramble
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Unread 03-14-2008, 12:39 PM   #23
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This is a hard situation. You have to get him out. I don't know how this would work. You have to talk to a lawyer. The police are not lawyers. They can tell you there is nothing they can do which may or may not be right. But you are a paralegal. You should know the laws for your state. Investigate them. Find out what your rights are. I know that since you just started a new job that it would be hard to ask the lawyers were you work for advice. But you need to find out what you can and can not do. Do you have kids? If not that is a good thing. But find out what you can and can not do.
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Unread 03-14-2008, 08:38 PM   #24
givemestrength
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im feeling so much better today. just sometimes i get so mad. no we do not have any kids thank god, the only way i can get him out since we shared the house for a few years is to file for a divorce, as stupid as this sounds im not quite ready yet, i still have two more things i can try. i told him his deadline to shape up and get some help was by the middle of the summer. if not then i told him i was filing for a divorce. so any who how is everything going with everyone else? soldier are things getting better with your wife?
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Unread 03-17-2008, 11:25 AM   #25
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No, not really. She wants things both ways. I haven't gave her an ultimate but it is coming and she knows it. She is trying to manipulate me. I know she is but I am starting to let her and I shouldn't. I need to get to a meeting. I am cutting back on my hours so that I can have time for really me. I need to get to a meeting. It is so hard. Just when you think you have a handle on it. You lose it some other place.
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Unread 03-25-2008, 05:24 PM   #26
givemestrength
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soldier, hang in there, if you give in your going to end up right back where you started. you said it yourself you are a damn good catch, so treat yourself like it. have some faith in yourself, you can do it. my husband promised that he is going to slow down he didnt touch a drop for a week. yesterday he got into a physical conflict with a coworker. he did have a bad day he asked if he could have a drink and i didnt stop him. my family is yelling at me cuase i "let him" drink. he only had 2 drinks he controlled himself for the first time since we have been together and he lasted longer than he has ever have, so im proud of him even though he drank he showed complete control and i dont feel like i should be judged for not trying to stop him. this week is the longest we havent argued. i dont want to fight with him anymore. so am i wrong should i have fuaght with him so he wouldnt drink?
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Unread 03-25-2008, 06:39 PM   #27
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Things were tough easter and yesterday. We had Easter dinner together and she was angry that I ignored her. I knew that we would get into a tiff and it would be my fault. So I did not say anything at all. She ends up crying. Then monday she keeps telling how much she loves me and that I never loved her. I told her that she is the reason that we are in this mess. I told her it was her fault and I do not care any more. I am just so sick of feeling guilty. She toss me on the street like I am so much trash. Then we I am not knuckling under she use a different tack. I am so sick of this. I am lonely, I was doing ok till she start this crap. I use to grind my teeth in my sleep. I stopped since I haven't been there. Guess what it is starting again. She is stressing me out and it seems like there is nothing that I can do.
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Unread 04-04-2008, 12:20 AM   #28
givemestrength
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i feel the same way, i left him again for a week. my first day back he left with in 20 minutes of me being there after he belittled me to where i was crying in histarics. i tried to kill myself that night after i thought it was working i freaked out and called him at 2:30 am and asked him to come home that i tried to kill myself and im scared he was so drunk he got mad at me for calling him and didnt show up for almost 13 hours. hes sorry now that hes sober, but the way i look at it he left me here to die.soevery ounce of love i had for him is dead. i told him that he can try whatever he wants to do hes dead to mei will never forgive him.
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Unread 04-07-2008, 02:37 PM   #29
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I hope that you have the strenght for what needs to be done. I wish I had the strength to do what I need to do. I am too weak, I thought i was a strong person. To many things I have seen but they never prepared me for this. Just when you think you are strong those feelings come back and hit you so hard that it leaves you dazed.
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Unread 05-02-2008, 09:36 PM   #30
givemestrength
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hey, i havent been one here in a while, i just wanted to touch base and see how everything is going.i dont know what changed for my husband, but he did a complete 180. since my last post he has drank twice he just got on these pills last week and has not touched a drop since. we have not argued in almost a month. he even said he was sorry for everything he put me thru(my husband doesnt apologize so that felt really good)we are still going to see a therapist to work thru the past but i really think that whole nitemare is over. i just want to thank everyone for being there for me. i hope everything is working out for you
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Unread 05-02-2008, 10:00 PM   #31
SLynn
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What wonderful news!! I'm happy that you're happy. Can I ask what medication your husband is on?

Keep us posted!

SLynn
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Unread 05-03-2008, 02:05 AM   #32
Glennda
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Wow...that is good news.

I'm with SLynn...can you let us know what medication your husband is taking? It sounds like it's working for him. I'm interested to hear any and all stories where medication has worked to help the problem drinker stop.

Thanks and take care,
Glennda
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