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Unread 04-16-2008, 12:05 AM   #1
narutschman
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Default Help? With Alcoholic mom?

Where do I start off? My mom has been a alcoholic as long as I can remember. Its been slowly tearing me away from my mom and her side of the family. In my senior year of high school I moved in with my dad to get away from her problem because she started to become physical abusive when she drinks. Her daily routine is to get home get a beer in one hand and a phone in the other and talk tell she can't call anyone else(10:00pm or later) then pass out drunk on the couch. Its tearing me away from my family because my mom tells her friends and family that I had been doing horrible in my senior year of high school since I moved in with my dad. When in fact I got a few academic awards and improved in school a TON. Shes been going around telling everyone that my dad was abusive to her physically when it was more of her abusing my dad. Living on a small island and working in a place where I ran into everyone who lived on the island; I would get lectures about how I shouldn't live with my dad because hes crazy and how I should see my mom all the time. She also tells her mom, sister, and friends that I'm a absolute AH to her when I come over to here house when all in reality I'm just asking her to quit drinking. Last year I've been pushing for her to quit. I've asked her to quit rapidly and she responses to me with "What does it matter to you?". I explain why it matters so much. She just comes up with excuses for her drinking problem and if my step dad is there while I'm talking to her about this he stands up for her even though he doesn't like her drinking problem. I'm 19 years old now and I haven't talked to my mom in almost a year. I think about this everyday and its starting to really bother me again because my mom and her side of the family means a huge amount to me and the fact that they look down on me because of my moms lies and drinking problems is killing me. I want my mom and her side of the family to be involved in my life. Recently I got a call from my grandma with her asking why I don't talk to my mom and why I'm a AH to her. I explained to her that she has a drinking problem. She denied it 7 or 8 times and I broke out in tears because I relised how difficult it was going to be of how to get my siblings back. Later after that call my grandma called my brother and asked him. Finally it hit her that my mom has a drinking problem. I've tried to explain to my grandma that she lies a lot when she drinks and that she drinks anytime shes on the phone. To make things worse my step dads kids have to deal with what I had to deal with when I lived with her. I ABSOLUTELY want her to quit drinking and I'm now at a dead end. I only have 2 options since I can't keep dealing with the constant lies and drinking.
1. To quit talking to my mom and her family completely
2. The second option is to hope in someway of getting my mom some help. Which is why I'm posting here.
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Unread 04-16-2008, 12:07 AM   #2
narutschman
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I forgot to add I moved across the state to get away from the consent lies and BS that I hear on the island and from her side of the family.
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Unread 04-16-2008, 04:07 AM   #3
Ava
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Hello,

First off, you sound very strong, educated and, as an editor and writer, I can't help but notice you have perfect grammar and spelling! I just wanted to give you that compliment to maybe lift your spirits a bit!

Second, you moved away (what an amazing, independent move on your part!) and all that you can do is get in touch with your loved ones on her side of the family whom you want in your life and be open and honest and tell them calmly that she is an alcoholic and that when she is intoxicated and speaking with them on the phone she is prone to lying. Tell them you love her very much because she is your Mom and you want to help her, would they like to do an intervention that you will fly home for (if you can afford it--I'm from AZ and know a trip to Nantucket, for example is outrageous as I once wanted to visit but was dissuaded!) because you want it all out in the open, no more hiding it, so that the family can have her back and so you all can also save her health and possibly her life.

I am no expert and am dealing with my own situation with my alcoholic partner (see Ava posts) but this is the advice that I instinctively give you, just advice. If you are not ready for an intervention, do call your family because it is not fair for you to be left out in the cold when your Mom is the one with the problem and you have done nothing wrong but to help.

I hope your night is going better! Take care of yourself. You have done nothing wrong and are strong and healthy
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Unread 04-16-2008, 04:52 AM   #4
narutschman
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Before I do a intervention with my mom I need to do one with my moms side of the family. I've had a extremely hard time just getting the fact that she has a drinking problem established with everyone else. Getting them to believe that shes manipulating seems impossible. The only person that understands it in my family is my brother but he doesn't want to be rejected from the family the same way I have been in a way. Shes told everyone that my dads brain washed me. My step dad insist that I've been brain washed by my oh so evil dad which is absolutely ironic. I'm not great at expressing myself and need some advice on how to approach my family about it. I try and explain to them that she lies a lot. I tried to explain it to them but they didn't want to listen. I appreciate your post hugely. I wasn't sure what else I could do before your post but, I think I didn't approach her family the right way the first time or didn't get through to them. It amazes me how good she is at lying. I don't understand how no one out side her house can't catch the constant lying or even how people believe the outrageous stuff she says sometimes.
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Unread 04-17-2008, 02:13 AM   #5
jerryg
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That's quite a situation your in. Almost a damned if you do...!
If you push the issue of your mother's drinking you risk alienating your family, and if you don't things remain the same. And the way things have been, haven't been great.

Living in a small community on an island seems isolated. I would think that living in a small community, people don't like to confront folks too readily, particularly around this issue. They have to live closely with each other. Why cause trouble?

And you can see how easily your mother manipulates general opinion.

They know she lies. But to confront her takes too much energy. If your mother has been this way for years, I'll bet some of those people have tried to do what you are trying to do, but now they've mostly given up.
And though you are getting through to some folks, look how painful that has been.

Setting up an intervention is a lot of work and will strain relationships that are already strained. And the community circumstances you describe are less than ideal.

I'm sure your mother needs help, but at what cost to you and your well being. All I'm saying is don't try to do it alone. And if you are going to do it, make you have solid support behind you.
Be patient, take your time and prepare as best you can. In the mean time find a trusted person to talk with. Outside of the family. Someone you can reality test, and get a sane perspective on your mothers behavior. Someone you can speak freely with. That may be a challenge.

Are there any professional substance abuse counselors available in your area that you feel comfortable speaking with? A doctor or guidance counselor?
Check out the treatment search page on this site...

http://www.alcoholanswers.org/local/

I can hear how your mother's lying hurts your feelings, that's hard to deal with. But you give them too much power, you know she lies, try not to take them personally.
And I know it is easier said than done.

I hope that helps
Jerry


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Unread 05-04-2008, 04:12 AM   #6
JAshley05
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I can honestly say that I completely understand your situation. I am 21 years old and have an alcoholic mom as well. I had to deal with her drinking problem since I was in high school and really had no support from family. I was on my own with this one but knew that I had to do something about it. I also had family that didn't believe she had a problem, or didn't have the time to deal with the situation. At the time, it was just my mom, younger sister and I living together. I knew I didn't want to put the stress on my younger sister, so I dealt with the situation.

I did everything I could think of to deal with my mom's disease. I had the "heart to heart" conversations, the verbal fights, in fact I think there was a time I pushed her down because I was so frustrated. Unfortunatly, your mom will not accept that she has a problem until she is ready. I am sure you have heard that many times, but until it happens you will understand.

I remember the night that changed everything. I was watching an episode of Intervention on A&E and it was about a typical soccer mom who was an alcoholic. I ran upstairs to my mom's room and made her watch that episode with me. At the time she was drunk, but I think the episode almost reflecting her life, made her realize that something was wrong. The next morning we made arrangements for her to go to a rehabilitation facility. At that moment I felt so much relief.

Right now for you it is extremely hard for you to see an end to this situation. Everybody told me to leave, that I should not be having to deal with her problem and to live my life. But that wasn't an option for me. I knew I had to keep fighting for my sister and most of all my mom.

You are going to be on a long road of challenges. But there is an end to it, and you just have to stay strong. As hard as it is, it sounds like your family isn't going to be much help. In the end they will realize they were wrong, but until then, worry about yourself. I remember feeling so helpless because no one was there for me. There will be a moment where your mom will realize she has a problem, but until then don't give up.

At the same time, don't allow her disease to hurt your life. It is great that you have an escape at your dad's house. I didn't have that option. Keep yourself busy and involved with school and what not. Please keep posting, its hard to find somebody in the same situation and have some guidence.

One day it will all come back together. Stay strong.

-J

P.S.
Sorry that was so long....
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