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Unread 04-11-2015, 05:27 PM   #2501
gmasusie
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Dear Andy,

What a revelation! I can handle that. Would you prefer Andrea? Whether it's Tryn, or Andrea, or Andy, we love you just the same.
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Unread 04-11-2015, 05:35 PM   #2502
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Andy, Nice to know your 1st name. My name is Richard middle name Lee. I will still go by R. Lee. I prefer it to Dick which I was always known as.

What kind of meeting may I ask? Any way I hope it goes well.

You sound good. keep up the positive outlook. I fits you well. Stay the course.

Beautiful day in northern Michigan. I washed my vehicles. I jumped on my Honda Gold Wing trike & went for about a 50 mile spin in the country. I will go to a meeting tonight in my Pontiac Solstice a 2 seat roadster. Not bad for a man of 71. I am very lucky to have anything with the life I have lived. As you can see my life is still about me in a certain way. If I want it I will find a way to buy it.

Hugs Andy!
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Unread 04-11-2015, 08:02 PM   #2503
Sam Bailey
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Hey Andy!

Nice to meet you, friend!

So terrific that you're making such positive changes in your life. Keep moving forward, do not give up---ever.

Good job, Andrea.

best,

sam
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Unread 04-11-2015, 10:02 PM   #2504
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Andy,

You sound good! I am happy you have found some measure of peace and you are moving forward once again. Progress, not perfection as they say.

It is as Einstein said "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result."

Peace,
Dave
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Unread 04-12-2015, 01:09 AM   #2505
gmasusie
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Wow! All the truth comes out! I, too, like RLee better than Dick. Saint Dave, is this the first confession? I didn't remember that you had a name other than Saint. Dave is nice. It may just be my dementia, but I didn't remember hearing a name. This all takes a little getting used to.

It certainly proves that you can never predict what life throws at you! This should liven things up a bit! We are about sharing and healing.

Andy, you have opened a whole new can! Interesting. You do manage to initiate new topics!
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Unread 04-12-2015, 06:17 AM   #2506
Tryntryagain
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Crikey!!! Hello everyone! I really didnt think for a minute i would initiate this Susie! I have to say, i shouild have known that about this family.....so supportive to a fault.

My motivation to share my first name came about on my walk yesterday. I needed to spend some honest time with myself. In doing so i allowed myself to accept the positives about me and as Saint says, progress not perfection. I thought of you all as if you were with me, it gave me a really good prism of wisdom to gleen from. Alll of your support became practical and less emotional to me and that enabled me to see a much clearer view of where i am at. When i got home, i had personally felt your advice sink in, i felt so terribly grateful, that from now on in, i was still be Tryn, i simply wanted you to know the man behind Tryn. I think telling you my name makes me feel more real to you all and in utrn, i believe i will find it easier to flag up problems with you all, as Tryn, i seem to feel unnaturally ashamed and embarssed of any problem i have. As my brothers and sisters you may refer to me however it feels comfortable to you, i have no preference, i just wanted to share my first name with you all.

The conclusion i came to yesterday is one i have known for a long while to be honest. Yesterday for the first time i am truly going to do something about it.

I do not have any "friends". Don't get me wrong, i am not "unfriendly", and i have a good reputation. I have not had a relationship for many a year, i will not let anyone, anyone at all, anywhere near me. Apart from the children i do not like to be hugged, touched, although i have no problem in giving them. I rely on, depend on, noone by design. I have an empathy with those who suffer and can help them, yet i will not look into my own. In the past 8 months 2 people whom i respect very much, suggested to me that i must find a way of letting folk in.

Ok.....so here we have a picture of the issues that make my life too challenging than it needs to be.

I know where it comes from. As you know 12-21 on my todd with all the shit that goes with it. By the time i am 21, completely and utterly out of control and stayed that way for well over a decade. Because i am the jammiest man on earth i survived the lot, (luck...very little judgement), and tried to "come round". I realised that parts of me were very damaged and they frightened me a whole lot. It was not until my 30's i was together enough to start remembering what had happened. It felt as if i had not sat down since i was 11.

The way i "survived" was a bit like a puffer fish. Any sign of danger which was frankly at any moment, i would "puff up", if that did not work, i would run for my life. Simple but effective! ANY sign of weakness in that environment and you will not survive. So i simply learnt NEVER to show weakness. I had no idea i had learnt it so well out of necessity, when it is not required i am still unable to open up.

So....thats the problem, and from whence it comes from, now for the solution.

I think i have made the first step with this post, So many of you have solutions for me that i going to start trying. Millie's suggestion of guided meditation, Susies assertion of positive thinking. On the calmest of days i am still "set up" for danger, its my default setting, it must change. I need to actively look at ways that help me stay calm. I need to look find a way of understanding my impatience, as my huge levels of anxiety fuel of it. I am also awaiting for a referal to this behavioural psychologist around my eating, although i am hoping to use this intervention to look at my behaviours around others components of my life. I shall see.

So brothers and sisters, i hope this has all made some sense, and maybe now makes it clearer why "now" to simply to share my first name with those i respect, admire and love felt the most natural thing to do, and in some kind of a way, it feels like dropping the mask of strength and capability, i have both, although i need to accept that i have weakenesses, issues that need addressing and that i can be, and am, as vulnerable as the next man. I happen to think in honesty, more so.

A cracking Sunday morning here in Blighty. i had a marvellous sleep last night and i am looking forward to nattering with the children and some piano. I am going to keep myself safe and calm today and stay in and potter.

Once last thing, R Lee, i went along to an AA meeting last night. For me to do that for myself was quite something. I was intially highly anxious i may meet ex clients and whatnot, but i didnt. I went to have a place to be where i could focus solely on my alcoholism to empower me to start again, fresh, in tune and positive.

I'm on my way.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 04-12-2015, 09:11 AM   #2507
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Hello Tryn

Thank you for sharing so much to us all, it means the world to me to get to know you more and try to understand you better. I love you even more now!

I can relate to the friends bit, i dont feel i really have any at all. I have people i meet and go out with and sometimes i hang out, i meet lots of people through my work, but when i NEED someone, no one is there.

I push people away, im terrified im a burden on people so i hold it all inside until i implode.

Something else i must work on! I feel better for being able to talk to people on here, and share my concerns. I hope you do too.

Not the best day in Manchester! Cold and very windy with splatters of rain. The football will be interesting if the ball is being blown everywhere, we may get a goal by the keeper haha

Great job going to the AA, ive noted down to ask my support worker on Tuesday, about the Brian Hore place you suggested.

Enjoy your Sunday Tryn, sending you peace and love x
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Unread 04-12-2015, 09:44 AM   #2508
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Oh Tryn - Andy! You sound good. Focused and serene. Hold on to that. What a joy it was for me to read that this morning! Now here is the biggest shock of all - my name is Jen. I know, I know, hard to believe. Please try to calm yourselves down.

I just have one more thing to be grateful for as I head to church this morning. Love, Jenm
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Unread 04-12-2015, 12:28 PM   #2509
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Tyrn - I posted on my tread too...But I want to let you know that we look forward to your inspiration, you have been great inspiration, please keep up the good work....

peace and hugs friend..
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Unread 04-12-2015, 02:22 PM   #2510
Tryntryagain
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Good afternoon everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Alexis, i am so very happy to see you feeling more positive today. I know things have been challenging for you recently, like me. Here we can work through our problems and find ways forward. (Man United 2....Man City 1......2nd half!)

Dear Jenm.......oh my goodness.........for you to have dug so deep dear Jenm. For me to have been able to influence you to "give up your name"......i am beside myself. Now i know .......after these years......that my dear Jenm is infact.........."Ladies and Gentleman, i would like to introduce....JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj en!!!!!!!!!!".....

Seriously, i am a simple man, you made me laugh so.....thank you dear Jen. (May i also recognise your Sunday morning. I am so glad you are getting the love and understanding you want)

Thank you I Am Trying. Inspiration comes in many forms and in, oh, so many ways. I am a fellow that tens to complicate life somewhat, i know most if not all do, and i try to find ways of expressing those dialogues with oneself, and with life. I strive to find ways of making things more managable, more "reasonable" for me to engage with. If one wants that journey to have a positive outcome, i know a great deal of committment and self determination, not to mention self awareness, is required. I find popping those components together as hard as you, but as yet lack your strength. It is why i said earlier in a post that sharing me with those i have come to respect, admire and love, is very much the way forward for me.

I have watched your days tick by and grow into your sustained sobriety. I am at least experienced enough to know that although you make it sound so, you put a great deal of thought, commitment and belief into yourself. As everyone here, i try to learn from you, i am so lucky to have you on my side.

A bit of a "fidgety" day, but not bad at all. I am all on top of my chores and ready for the new week. My flat is looking quite, quite gorgeous. The light falling across my butterflys, and my dragonflys, simply devine. Manchester United are now 4-1 up!!, my bath is running, and i shall be having a potatoe sort of mushroomy cheese thing for my supper. (I could make it sound really posh, but that is what it is!...i need fatty things my brothers and sisters!) I am learning that playing my piano before i slip into my bed i feel i can equate to those that may take a book to bed, or a cup of coco, it is a way of relaxing oneself, so a quick burst of, ummm, Chopin, Bach, can be a "book" for me.

I love my golf. (What little i know about my Father is that is what he did. He designed golf courses all over the world and had a contract with Trust House Forte? and he designed courses for their hotels and whatnot). My Father was a successful sportman in his own right, although i never knew of this. The boarding school i went to just before 7, had its own golf course, i became really rather proficient. So of course The Masters comes to a conclusion tonight and i shall tuck myself in with my highland spring water, some sweeties, and rather than eat my sweeties they are, "i can do better than that missiles" at my TV screen. I mean on the 13th, who takes a 5 iron....dear dear!

I know, i know, the likes of Sam and I am Tring will say, "well Tryn.....they are there and you are in Blighty....."....Ah yes i say, but i am not sponsered you see. I have been trying to "sidle up" to R Lee and Saint, as i believe they can "pull a few financiaL strings"...oh yes. All i need is the air fare, a putter and 2 clubs. A driver, and a pitching wedge.....job done.

Honestly i didn't want it to come to this...but boys?.....>>> ?

I am only having a bit of fun.

In a way i feel vulnerable now, having said what i have. Alexis wrote me a very lovely post, although most here know my journey, what i said was nothing new. What i hope it was, was a new perspective. A realisation that i need to let this stuff go. Honestly, i have no idea how to do that, as when i look at my very skin, it feels it is totally within me, a part of me. For a decade i couldnt really bathe as we all expect. Now i have my home, i am obbessive about my bath. I try to clean away the horribleness that i dont want............

What the last 3 days has meant to me, with lets face it, the most extraordinary "chunks" of love, experience, understanding and motivation, meant i could not possibly not be human, and not hear you all. Your relentless support, your consistent love and nudging, arriving eventually at those home truths.

Like Alexis feels sometimes, i would normally feel hugely emabarassed, and yes of course i do, but i do not feel as if i have lost my dignity here.

I have totally taken your posts on board, especially 1 that Saint wrote me, it was at the point i did that truly made me realise, LISTEN to my heat, not head ....yes, i do love and trust you all.....and rather than eloquise how nice the f****** trees look, i should be sharing how i am feeling so i may help, and get help.

1 last thing before i jump in my bubbly bath,

I do not know if you meant this dear Jenm, but you wrote, "please try to calm yourselveS down". If you did, i hear you. Thank you. If you didn't, you will know what i mean.

If i am up to it tonight i would like to pop in at Lost Dog's, Millies and Micheals house to see how they are getting along.

I know i waffle. I know i write prepostrously "get to the point posts", yet i just know you all know that you are the only people i can do all this to. I will change that slowly, but it is a fact. Now i have so many i love, i do not simply want to say, "i have the same problem as you", i know that, you know that, but this family shows us all, our backgrounds, our journeys are so very different, but by sharing why, brings us all so much closer together.

I have found something in my life here that is summed up by a word i have never used in my life. I cherish all of you. That empowers me in my daily life far more than i have understood.

I am learning, i am growing. I will not wilt. I Am Tryings, Lost Dog and Millies posts can help me there.

Do you know how many strengths exist between us all? We could name ANY member here, and we all get so much from each other.

How lucky are we?

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 04-12-2015, 02:43 PM   #2511
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Evening Tryn, yes a little better today, certainly not as horrific as yesterday anyway! it was a great game in the end, my housemate is very pleased!

Your dinner sounds good, tonight im having chicken, cous cous and salad. Then a bubble bath, then an early night!

You definitely didnt lose any dignity, i doubt you ever could, you are well respected. i havent been here long but i can see that quite clearly.

Please Tryn, if im out of line asking this please tell me....when you ask Jenm about her saying to calm yourselveS down, are you talking about multiple personality or something?

I hope you enjoy your bath and the golf! Peace as always x
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Unread 04-12-2015, 04:38 PM   #2512
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I want to read more in-depthly and respond more thoroughly but I need to say I love hearing people's names, even if it slips away into the depths of the thread and sits somewhere in the backs of our memories. And all of these posts are wonderful.

My real name is Ericka, and Millie is my dog.
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Unread 04-12-2015, 05:56 PM   #2513
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Oh my! I was just being silly, but I totally get it. When drinking or participating in any other form of self-destructive behavior, I was absolutely not my 'real' self. For sure. I was just laughing at the fact that Tryn was able to 'get' my attempt at humor in revealing my name. I really think that I am quite funny but my sons always tell me that I'm not funny at all. They're just jealous.

In other big news, I have spent nearly an hour folding laundry as my schedule has been crazy this past week. I still have a bunch more to go. I like to avoid all laundry so that is why I'm sitting here at my computer. Love, Jenm
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Unread 04-12-2015, 06:31 PM   #2514
Alexis
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This made me chuckle, is this how our friends here see us you think?!

http://www.vice.com/en_uk/read/we-go...ource=vicefbuk
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Unread 04-12-2015, 09:32 PM   #2515
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A New star in Jordan Spieth Tryn.
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Unread 04-13-2015, 05:16 AM   #2516
Tryntryagain
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Alexis, Millie, (Ericka), dear Jenm and R Lee thank you.

Yes Alexis, i did ask Jenm if that is what she meant as it caught my eye. It "rang true" to me. I often struggle with my moods, and when i do it does very much feels as if i am "different people". When young i had to create "false impressions" of myself to appear stronger than i really was, so much of my youth was about trying not to be myself. I very much understand dear Jenms thought process. (Jenm, i find doing the laundry really quite theraputic, just pop it is the post and i'll do it for you!

R Lee, what a fine young man Jordan Spieth turned out to be! Imagine being so young, to have led from day 1, (Ray Flloyd was the last one to do that in 1977), to come to the last back 9, a 3 stroke lead, and behind you 2 major champions waiting for you to cream your drive into the water, the worlds eyes on you, .....what a remarkable young man. I feel sorry for our man Justin Rose, i mean 15 under would have won the last 10 green jackets....it again shows us the superb golf this amazing young man played. The "touch" needed on those Augusta greens is phenominal, they are like glass. To have that touch so young, certainly a man to "watch this space".

Its just coming up to 9am here in Blighty and i am just about to get on with the day. It starts with my fabled bus journey into the city. I am taking with me a little list, like a "flash card", so that when i feel my tempreture rising, i shall whip out my flash card and read through some calming breathing excercises. I MUST keep my cool and stop allowing myself to get wound up.

Off we go my brothers and sisters, my first Monday of changes. This is day 5 for me. I feel positive, calm and capable, i plan to keep it that way today.

Have a great day everyone.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 04-13-2015, 07:36 AM   #2517
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Thanks for answering that Tryn

I was interested because a few years ago i was diagnosed with schizophrenia, because i hear voices. External ones not just the one we all hear in our heads. It is as if there is a man with me telling me to do things. Meds have kept it under control but i still hear them/him when i get irate and anxious. I was later diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, but to be honest, most of the diagnosis's have the same symptoms so who bloody knows what i have!!!

I completely relate to creating false impressions of yourself, although i think in very different circumstances as you did so to stay alive in the tough environment, i did it because i hated myself so much. I still do, i really dislike myself and im quite false happy around friends and family. I make things up, hide things, anything for them not to know the real me.

sorry for blocking your journal with me me me!!!!

Great idea about the flash card, im sure it will work wonders for you. Not that warm in Manchester today, i have quite a lot of work to get through and a list for my support worker to write.

Enjoy your time in the city x
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Unread 04-13-2015, 05:10 PM   #2518
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What you said about friends is interesting. I only have two -- my husband, and my best friend (one of my bandmates, also male). In my adult life I have never had a female friend. It's weird. And I too have had a lot of trouble letting people in, which is probably part of that. I'm working very hard on it. It's much easier to be funny or not talk at all, or be tipsy and uninhibited, or just not show up. Being ourselves is one of the hardest things we have to do. Guess that's my long-winded way of saying thanks for being you.
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Unread 04-13-2015, 05:46 PM   #2519
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Jung said we all have a persona and a shadow, so that's two personalities minimum for those of us considered mentally healthy! Why should we be surprised that under duress we create more?

Why is it sane and OK for those of us who "hear" God speaking to us?

Sorry, I don't mean to be contrary. I just wonder who defines "sane."

Absolutely! Laundry is therapeutic. It's nice to make things clean, then fold them and put them away. Wish we could tidy up our lives the same way! Maybe we can??????

Susie
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Unread 04-13-2015, 09:43 PM   #2520
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Chaos is the natural order of the universe ; ) . I like folding bath towels but finding all the socks and matching them up..... well that sucks for me because I like them to match. My daughter on the other hand has no issues with socks and chaos theory, especially when they are my socks I find her wearing!! Lol

Tryn,
I'm glad you cut this bender short. Nice to have you back planted firmly on the ground. The promise of spring....

Peace,
Saint
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Unread 04-14-2015, 11:35 AM   #2521
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Tyrn - hope things are going well..have a great day..stay safe and stay sober...
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Unread 04-14-2015, 03:03 PM   #2522
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Thinking of you today, Tryn. Hope you're having a good day.
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Unread 04-15-2015, 01:00 AM   #2523
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Tryn,

I'm so glad you posted on Alexis's thread. I hope you are in good health and serene sobriety. I worry when I don't hear from you.

Susie
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Unread 04-15-2015, 04:43 AM   #2524
Tryntryagain
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Alexis, Saint, Susie, I Am Trying and Millie, thank you for your posts.

Yes i am well. A very busy day yesterday and my "boss" has just got back from working in the big place and we spent a couple of hours nattering around roles for me for the future. This morning she has sent me a set of dates to choose from, so i may pop up to London for a meeting or 2. I have a pretty good idea what i shall be asked to do, and if that is the case i should have no problem producing what is required. Like her, my health being the only concern.

Alexis you must not think you are taking up "my journal"....this is a space for us all and if you feel you have something to share it matters not where you share it so long as you do!

Another busy day today, although i am hoping to meet 1 of my girls for lunch which will be lovely and i have a very early start tomorrow so i may stay in the city tonight ready for the morning. I shall be taking my laptop with so i can read and write to you all later today.

It seems a bit daft to say, "i hope you all have a great day", as you are all just off to bed! So i shall say, goodnight to you all.....and sleep well! Time for me to get a wiggle on.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all
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Unread 04-15-2015, 05:52 AM   #2525
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Thanks Tryn! I hope you enjoy your lunch and have a great day x
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Unread 04-15-2015, 10:18 AM   #2526
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Have a great day Tryn.
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Unread 04-15-2015, 11:48 AM   #2527
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Thanks, Tryn
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Unread 04-15-2015, 01:36 PM   #2528
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Thanks for checking in. Have a great day.
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Unread 04-15-2015, 04:12 PM   #2529
Tryntryagain
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Good evening everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Thank you R Lee, Susie, Alexis and Millie for your hugs.

It has been a quite splendid day. If i may, the sky, once the fog had burnt back, was so very deep. It's facade had such deep blue substance. It has been a busy day of decisions. Millie has alluded to the friendship thing where one can find themselves, part by design, and part, "thats the way it is", alone to make such decisions. Our lives can have new sources of oxygen, or not, depending on.

And so it has been. I am a sensitive fellow when it comes to nature. I understand nautures dialogue far easier than i do mans. Thus, at this time of year in Blighty, the cacophony of natter and chatter around me, makes me want to sing my very self.

So on such a beautiful day, i wait at 12.50pm for 1 of my daughters to have her lunch hour.

She comes out of the chemist with the disgruntlement of what work does to us all. I took us, not far, as i do not drive, and we sat outside a coffee shop and she chattered away about how everything was unfair, but how she felt so lucky.

I couldn't help, on this quite stunningly beautiful Blighty spring day, but see the sun behind her. I could do little more than grin inanely.

Thankfully i have taught the children to notice such things, so her magificent, "what you laughing at??"......enabled me to say to her....."look up"......."why.....?"......Just LOOK UP........."what am i looking at?"......

"You tell me".

Her quizzical face fell away from the clear blue sky, her worries disolved in a heartbeat, the little girl i brought up spread her smile as wide as a sunrise, and she giggled all over me. Back to work.

Just about all of you know my journey, it means love is very, very special to me. No that does not sound as i wanted it to. I find trust a real challenge. When i have put trust there in the first place, it is different. I adore the kids so very much. I would also like to say that the boy that found himself on the wrong side of the tracks is doing so very well, given.

I am off up to London on the 25th, (Friday week), i am excited, motivated, capable and could be a part of change. Not a bad place to be. I have been "picked", as i can make change happen.

Let's hope they are right eh?

Here with my brothers and sisters, as this unfolds, have no doubt how instrinsic you will all be on this journey with me.

As you all know that cricket is my religion, Blighty is in the West Indies, and we are now into the 3rd day.

Why my friends??.......Phone calls, txts,....... never.

Maybe if i send a picture of me holding a cricket bat?........(Never thought of that)

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 04-15-2015, 05:20 PM   #2530
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my post vanished. I've been out a little while, I'm back in first gear and going steadily, hope you have been doing well. Tryn.
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Unread 04-16-2015, 01:56 AM   #2531
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Hope you feel better, LD.

Tryn, I am anxious to pick your brain about your new project. I am always looking for new strategies for "my boys" and (down to) one girl. Let us know what you're doing.

Also, we need health updates.
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Unread 04-17-2015, 10:28 AM   #2532
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Good afternoon everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Lost Dog, i am so sorry to hear things sound as if they have been a bit difficult lately? I am so glad you chose to say hello.

Thank you Susie. Your post was actually extremely well timed and "on topic", as yesterday was quite an extraordinary day. Isn't it so true, "we never know what is round the next corner"?

I got a call at lunchtime yesterday from an old aquantaince through work whom i had not heard from for a couple of years. He has worked with my boss in the past and i "kinda thought" as my boss rang me the other night and i am in London next week meeting her, that what it would be about. He rang, (a really lovely fellow) and asked me if i would like to go round to his home in the afternoon to sit in the garden and "chat". I accepted and he came to collect me.

The fellow is a very unassuming chap, breath takingly perceptive and altogether a fascinating chap. I trained with him as a Mediator, and i liked him then.

He took me "to his home".....and for Tryn, "speechless" is not an option. I was UTTERLY and TOTALLY speechless. His "home" turned out to be a couple of million pounds worth, with extensive land deep in the English countryside, acres, upon acres of ploughed land, fallow land, woods, a river, out houses, swimming pool, all looked down on by the most splendid mansion you ever did see.

We sat in a manicured garden and i said, "what am i doing here my friend"? And off he went.

His Father was an alturistic man, wealthy from birth, and spent much of his life using his wealth for those less fortunate than himself. He spent his life building and running homes for orphaned and troubled kids, and now this fellow who is 62 has time on his hands and although he strongly rejected my assertion that he wanted to do what he was suggesting in honour of his Father, it made little difference to the suggestion to me.

He is a healer of some note. His is a very, very fine negociator and is attributed with being behind the "systemic win" concept, that as mediators and negociators is frankly fascinating. He is a solatry man, who lives alone in his pile.

(Just going offline....visitor, be back soon)
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Unread 04-17-2015, 12:17 PM   #2533
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I do beg your pardon....as i was saying, he works privately in his time as a family/relationship mediator/counsellor.

He put a proposition to me.

He feels he is "getting on", and he wanted to use this quite beautiful setting for others. He wants to create the house into a healing retreat. He is furiously protective of his own space however, wanted to be able to "live on site", and we talked about building an annexe for him. His land is used for growing all manner of things, and we discussed the incorperation of those wishing to use the retreat, sustaining the land. The dear fellow does not wish to have much dialogue around the money side of things and i am being tasked to produce a "program" for those wishing to stay, that work done on the land would be payment, and healing courses and whatnot would be run for non residents during the days to compliment paying the bills.

I am meeting with him again on Monday.

The fellow "knows all about me", my alcoholism, my works and acheivements, and i "happened" to give him a vision i have that i very much would like to come to fruition.

Wet houses and dry houses.

In my city there are oodles of "dry houses". I have been in most, and if you think sitting round with your other 4 housemates smoking crack and drinking beer a "dry house"....this one is for you!

How can that be?

In Blighty we have a system, (a broken system) of social care. Over time it has gotton to such a stage that those who "should" be in postitions of care provision need do nothing of the sort. Soooo...in your money a room in a house is $100........if you call it a "DRY HOUSE", our Government deem there are "special circumstances and support provided", thus they double the rent to provide that support.

No support, a houseful of folk killing themselves, and a service provider/landlord.......raking it in.

My unbelievable....quite outrageous.......ridiculous and obviously nonsensical opinion that a dry house needs to be DRY, was taken on board by this fellow.

He is nothing if not knowing the "movers and shakers" in my city, and he has influence, that led to a call this morning asking if i would like to meet a "fellow he knows" who just happenes to own stonking amounts of property in my city, has dedicated himself to making sure they are available to rent to the poorest and most troubled, but as yet has had no effective interventions for his tenants when those ugly monsters appear. He is apparently extremely interested in my little idea, hence we shall meet and discuss.

And so to London next week.

Susie, the project was started in the big place by a DA who was frankly fed up of seeing gang members, (some only 13) being sent away forever. There is no doubt that the crimes they have committed command such sentences........it just didn't seem right. It felt as if there could be a way of salvaging horrificly damaged lives. And so she sarted the COTA project. The council of Thought and Action. It's purpose to bring together entrepeneurs, business men and women and gang leaders and members, literally in a room in a circle twice a week.

To get all that together took this DA over 5 years before it formed, evolved and is now moving forward a pace. It has been hugely effective.

Over in Blighty my boss runs a company called The Centre for Peaceful Solutions in London, and she and her husband have devised something called "The Dialogue Road Map". It does what it says on the tin. It is a way of finding solutions with dialogue. So if the problem is "A".....and we need to get to "B"......the dialogue road map can navigate a pathway to the destination with guidance. It is changing the way Mediation is done in our country and of course hearing about COTA in the big place....well we had to engage with that!

So over the last 2 years my boss, others have been back and forth to the big place to learn, and we are currently inviting the DA here. Our Gorenment loves it and will chuck money at us to do it.....but my boss will not take Government funding. When i suggested she had completely lost her mind she explained why. Now, i really do respect her decision. It makes my job a tad more challenging, but i truly understand why.

So my job. It really boils down to 2 things. Engage, sustainably, gang members and business leaders. It really is not as simple as it sounds.

Back in my day i had the misfortune to "run with" the most notorious gansters in the east end of london. It is documented that is the case, so it is believed. Having done so, an amount of "gravitas.....reputation" goes with it. Trust me, it never leaves you. However, it can be used for the force of change.

You can not walk into a prison, or a hostile environment with expectations of being able to facilitate change, if A, they do not respect you, or B, you do not talk their language. Talking their language does not mean you say words they say, it means the words you do say....they hear, loudly. Engaging people is a walk in the park, only passion sustains that engagement simply because it is infective, i rely almost entirely on that.

The most difficult part of the job is actually engaging the business community. So how do you do it?

Business takes skill, foresight, insight and a good head on your shoulders. I have lived in worlds that if you arrive at a prison at 20.....that is a result. You must have had quite something about you to have managed to get here alive.

THAT is what i harness. How did you stay alive?

The skills that exist within these young men and women and hidden resources to our countries and communitys. We know they have done terrible things. Most are so young they have no idea what they do.

Can we in all conscience throw away a young, *****d youngster, (child....come on lets be real) forever? The politics around retribution, revenge and punishment, not on my radar. I know what the statistics, consequences and outcomes that policy has.

So for the same reasons that the kids/gangsters, (yeah right!) will listen to me, ergo, the business leaders do for the very same.

So there you have it.

3 irons in the fire, (not to mention others that know me suggesting that i chose a different pathway sighting 1 particular thing), i shall see what my boss says next week in London, see what this fellow with all the houses says, and then the healing centre with the orginal chap, and wonder what to do!

Tryn has never been the best decision maker!

Sorry for more waffle than usual, and if nothing else i have put the big place into a deep sleep!......it helped me to waffle.

Thank you.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 04-17-2015, 01:20 PM   #2534
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As I told Alexis,

I am a great believer in communication! Talking through the advantages and disadvantages of various options with someone who can provide another point of view is a great idea.

Here we are. I am so excited about your project and your future. With your permission, I will send you a few titles of research that have influenced my work with these youngsters. Is that too presumptuous? You probably already have read them. If not, you could have written them.

Please keep me informed.

Good luck! Remember, you will be better able to accomplish anything in this life sober than you will drunk.

I love you.
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Unread 04-17-2015, 01:53 PM   #2535
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The reason I mentioned some resources is that I just ordered a few for my teacher who has control issues with the "kids," so they were on my mind. I didn't mean you needed my help or anyone else's help. I have ultimate faith in your knowledge and abilities in this area.

It sounds so exciting. I had to tell my husband about it. I keep thinking about it and grinning. This sounds like it was made for you!
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Unread 04-17-2015, 03:03 PM   #2536
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good luck with your project, I don't understand it all, but I know you will make it the best ever with your ideas and knowledge!
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Unread 04-17-2015, 03:55 PM   #2537
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Susie, thank you for your lovely posts and offer of support.

Re Resourcerers(!)i would love any info you have.

I learnt very young what "resource meant". I was about 7/8 years old. At that time i was still privileged and off i was sent to learn to sail, climb big things, ride horses and whatnot.

1 day i was with a party of about 10 kids. We were climbing Pen Y Fan in Wales. There is a quite comprimising drop as you walk across the "saddle" to the peak. Certainly when you are a nipper.

Susie, i was bored. I do apologise....but......I "happened to drop my rucksack".....it only tumbled down and down. I will not give metres and whatnot because i could not express the task in hand, but it was a long....long way down.

The "leaders" of this expedition, (for us kids, we had never done this stuff before), were honestly next to useless. So while they shared ciggarettes with the kids that didnt want to help,... 3 of us thought the whole thing was frankly marvelous. I need you to know it really, seriously was dangerous.

Anyway way 3 kids working in unison, (fall?....gone), no fear. Somehow Susie we passed said rucksack up between us, so job done?

As a very young boy i learnt that my hand holding anothers, empowers thier hand to hold another.

By the way the way. The only thing in my rucksack was a compass and cheese sandwich.

Here i feel folk speak out, reach out in a way their lives show strength, for some way and for some reason, to chuckle, wander, and once again, after all this time, to be with oneself again.

Susie i too love you very much as i do all my brothers and sisters here. I have no doubt whatsoever all my borthers and sisters here are emmentally loveable, and i have been fortunate enough to feel the force of the family here and all the little "us's" that make it up.

If i had a magic wand, i would say, "WAZZAM".......and suddenly ALL of you would see....as clear as day, that those you look up to, are you to.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you Susie, Loveness to all.
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Unread 04-17-2015, 04:14 PM   #2538
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Tryn, Great opportunity just remember not to get too much on your plate. Sobriety has to come 1st or we are no good to anyone.
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Unread 04-17-2015, 06:47 PM   #2539
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Good luck on your new endeavor Tryn. Remember, build from a strong foundation.... Stay vigilant.

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Unread 04-17-2015, 10:36 PM   #2540
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Thanks, Tryn. Field trips are always so much fun!

Now report on your health, please.
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Unread 04-18-2015, 02:01 PM   #2541
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Tyrn hope things are going well...I have been very busy with work lately...haven't posted much...But I think of you and all my friends ( Susie, Millie, Rlee, lostdog, saint, JenM, secerttiger, micheal, Diance, Alexis, Sam Bailey, You) every single day...We are all together in this journey some ahead and some behind, we are on the same path traveling...

The other day I was watching the movie "The way"...I just remembered all of us in the journey and chuckled...

Have a great peaceful day Friend...
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Unread 04-19-2015, 06:29 AM   #2542
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

What lovely, lovely posts. I Am Trying that was beautiful.

I have some news and it would not surprise me that many of my brothers and sisters here may feel i "lost me marbles!"....i can asure you all, it is far from the case.

I am not the best decision maker on this rather splendid planet, and i have recognised that as a significant barrier to the "smooth, forward" momentum that is my life. This weekend i have been doing alot of honest thinking, projecting myself ahead as best i can, listening to R Lee, Saint and you all.

Tomorrow will be challenging as i have decided to turn down the roles my boss would like me to pursue. Many who know me will be somewhat aghast, as on the surface of it, this job could have been created just for me, and in many ways, it actually has.

It is easy to see $ signs in my eyes, there is no doubt the actual remit plays to all my strengths. Lots of foreign travel and exposure to movers and shakers and ultimately giving opportunity to those who as yet, have had none.

I went back to the woods, sat down (on a esquisitely gorgeous day in Blighty), thought of my brand new sobriety, i then saw all the travelling, the huge amounts of work, addressing 100's at a time on a regular basis, i speak different languages which is in itself a challenge to address with passion in another language, my head started to shake from side to side as if someone had asked me a question and i was saying "no" without speaking, and then put my head in my heads to cover my eyes.

There was my answer.

It is almost impossible to accept as it goes against everythjiong i am to turn down such a sumptuous and tasty challenge, but i have to take into account that i am working for the betterment of damaged people. Unless i can be absolutely sure i can cope and manage with the anxiety, stress and pressure......which you ALL know i struggle with, without alcohol rearing its head, i can not be confident at this time that will be the case.

Saint......."....build from a strong foundation....stay vigilant"......Saint i do not believe my foundations are yet stronger enough for such a large task,

R Lee.......".....remember not to get too much on your plate. Sobriety has to come first or we are no good to anyone".........R Lee, in all honesty that would have been an awful lot to put on my plate.

I actively heard those wise posts, and incase anyone questions how effective this forum really is, by taking into account all my brothers and sisters support and experience, i have been able to arrive at my own decision armed with much insight shared with me.

I know it is as old as the hills, but it has taken Tryn nearly half a century to work out.....if i listen, i can learn. (Better late than never).

So the task now is to tell my boss who will be frankly devastated. Hopefully i can communicate that i am protecting her, and her company, every bit as i am protecting myself. It is not going to be an easy conversation. My thinking is, better than have a difficult conversation now, than a horrific one if it all went pear shaped.

Of course it is hard for me to swallow and i could...i reiterate....i could.....see it in a way that "look how weak i have become?" My mantra of always giving everything you have got, and i am "backing off??" I do not want to see it like that. I have made an informed decision, and i know can focus on a much gentler role, in my own city, with the healing centre fellow, or the landlord...wet/dry houses.

So when i wrote my long post explaining these roles and making them all sound as if i could do them all, and whilst i was asleep, was "old behaviour".

It turned out that for the first time...i....crept up on hindsight before she could see me coming,.....or... i believe there is a phrase that i may just have heard somewhere before....."Stop before you speak, think before you act".

I think i have just done that.

Disappointed?, yes, of course i am. Accepting of the circumstances and where i am? Yes. If i am to sustain sobriety, i now know what R Lee and Saint have told me for years. Thanks boys.

I am also mindful my borthers and sisters here may be somewhat disappointed that i have not taken this challenge up, all i can say is that in my heart it was not right. Had i not been able to do this, i would have hurt alot of people and set things back. I could not risk that. I am sorry for that.

Chilly and whipy windy day here in dear old Blighty. Our "countdown" to election day is becoming more and more like, the countdown to bloody doomsday!!!! There has to be something not quite right with a democratic voting system whereby a politician is asked 3 weeks before the election....."and so Mr X, (scandelous lack of women and representative members)....you say you will save 8 billion by doing this....can you tell us how that is costed?"........

Mr X...."No. We will tell you after the election".

How does that work brothers and sisters?

As Churchill once said, "Democracy is the worst form of Government........apart from all the others".

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 04-19-2015, 11:11 AM   #2543
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Tryn,

Disappointed? Hardly. I think you have made a difficult decision, but the right one for you at this time. Tryn you thought it through and made the best decision. A wise decision by a sober man!! That my friend is a huge milestone!
Congrats!!!

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Unread 04-19-2015, 11:39 AM   #2544
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Tryn, At this point this might prove to be the best action. Sobriety has the be the most important goal in our lives.

Hugs!
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Unread 04-19-2015, 02:10 PM   #2545
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Hello Tryn, I am so proud of you! At first, as I read all you wrote, my head was spinning. I was hearing that you were thinking of getting involved with too many things. I was going to write, Tryn, you can't save the world-you have to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself-or else. And,look, there you are figuring out that all on your own. What progress! The opportunity to work with the London boss could be possible on down the road when you are more able to take on such a job. But for now you can just "brighten the corner where you are". Another phrase I use often is, don't bite off more than you can chew.

The opportunity you have to work with the healing centre or the wet/dry house sounds quite appealing, and right up your alley. Goodness the estate you mentioned sounds so gorgeous-wonder if anyone would notice if I set up my tent and just lived there somewhere on the grounds. I am very quiet.

Tryn you are doing the right thing-thinking through options, understanding your limits right now. You are such a good soul. Hugs---

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Unread 04-19-2015, 07:58 PM   #2546
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Tryn,

What nan said......

I, like you, can get caught up in the excitement of grand plans. I am so pleased that your sobriety and your health are going to come first this time. We don't want to lose you.

I don't believe anyone here could be disappointed with such a wise decision.
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Unread 04-20-2015, 02:28 PM   #2547
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Tryn how is your work going?, oh to be as smart as you... I hope each day is fun for you and lifts your spirits to work and grow.
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Unread 04-20-2015, 03:18 PM   #2548
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Hi Tryn! Sounds like you've thought this out very thoroughly. I'm very proud of you. That must have been a tough decision, but it sounds like you've made a very very wise choice.
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Unread 04-20-2015, 06:51 PM   #2549
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Tryn,

Don't go off the grid, please. We want to know how things are progressing.
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Unread 04-21-2015, 04:28 AM   #2550
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

I shall write properly when i have more time. Its early in Blighty and i need to rush out to catch my city bus. It has been a tremendously busy couple of days hence i wasn't able to post yesterday.

I just want to say i love you all and look forward to writing tonight. Have a great day everyone.

Here i go........

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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