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Unread 01-17-2013, 05:54 PM   #201
R. Lee
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Tryntryagain, It will get even better. My best to you.
It is cold here in the 20's F. Very little snow this year & rather mild as far as past winters have been.
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Unread 01-18-2013, 08:58 AM   #202
Tryntryagain
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Hello jenm, R Lee, and thank you both for your encouragement. May i too send my encouragement and support to you as well. We are all in this together. Jenm i now feel slightly embarrassed waffling on about how cold it is here. Of course that instinctual Island mentality!! I can not imagine how cold it must be in the Mid West!! Today the Country has woken up to a foot of snow. Very unusual for it to be such a comprehensive covering. I simply had to, and i wrapped up like an eskimo and went for a stroll through the park. It was quite, quite beautiful. I had an eclectic array of feelings and tipped my head back and let the snowflakes tickle my face and i was overwhelmed that instead of the usual and constant angst of the drinking addict, there was a "peace" within me.

Then something really wierd happened. I suddenly felt very frightened indeed. In a heartbeat, paranoia and insecurity swept through me. I scuttled home as quickly as i could, flew through the front door and started crying. I am fine now. It lasted for a few minutes, but the next hour i thought. I shut my eyes, did some breathing excercises, and gave myself a "body check", where with my mind, i start at my toes, and my minds eye moves up my body, just so i can be sure of me.

I am frightened that this won't last. I am frightened that this strength i have found will desert me. It certainly isn't the way of things now, but now i have recognised it, it scares me. R Lee, i totally concur with you more and more. I often go back and read through your posts when i was in utter despair. The more i am learning about myself sober, the more you words make sense to me. I am still in the early days for sure. But i am beginning to get a real sense that it "could all change in the click of fingers" and i want to get rid of that fear from my mind. As yet, i do not know how to do it. I think again as R Lee has shared the way forward for me is to keep giving and getting this priceless support and understanding so that we can all continue to overcome, grow and learn together.

Really all is well. I have no desire to drink today. It's just coming up to 1pm here, and i want to thank the forum for being here so i could get this off my chest. Thank you for listening.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 01-18-2013, 11:06 AM   #203
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Tryn,

Great post! I think it's a good sign that you are terrified that it won't last. I think it's an acknowledgement on some level that you are aware of how fragile sobriety can be because yes it is fragile. We are all just one drink away from destroying what was so hard to obtain. It is the organ between our ears that will be our downfall if we let it. I had a conversation with myself recently : ), case in point. I was thinking about joining a local running group that meets once a week. They run and then stop at a different bar every week, have a drink, socialize and enjoy each others company. As I write this I realize how ridiculously risky this behaviour is. I talked inside my head regarding scenarios... I could socialize, have a cranberry and soda, all would be good. I could do this. The more I thought about I decided it just isn't worth the risk. The desire to be 'normal' will always be there. In reality we are not 'normal' yet we can find ways to justify the behaviour and put ourselves at risk.

As Carly always told me, "stay vigilante". As Lee says "think through that first drink". So far those words have served me well.

When I first stopped drinking it wasn't until I got past the six month mark (if I recall properly) that I thought, yes I can do this. Staying in contact with this forum, sharing my story, reading through the stories of the families struggling with the addictions of loved ones constantly reminds me that I have a problem with alcohol, reinforces my need to remember that yes, I have a problem with alcohol and addictive behaviour. That's how I'm wired and I've come to accept that, to forgive myself, and come to learn to love myself for who I am today.

So to you I would say embrace that fear but also embrace that sense of "peace" that you found for those feelings are who you are today. Continue to learn about yourself but find it within yourself to love yourself for who you are today.

And I want to thank you, for you help me to stay sober. Yes, Lee's words once again but they hold true.

Respectfully,
Saint
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Unread 01-18-2013, 02:04 PM   #204
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What a quite wonderful post. Thank you so very much Saint. Massively encouraging, i really felt your arm around me. I feel as if my feet are yet to touch the ground. That is where my fear comes from. Although not drinking, i more than recognise the challenges of sobriety. I have never overcome these challenges before, and here they come. I always wish peace, health, strength and love to all i meet. I need that for me now. I can't tell you how strange it is to acknowledge that, and not actually know how to do it.

A day at a time. I need a hug.

Once again Saint, thank you for your beautifully compassionate post.

Loveness to all.
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Unread 01-18-2013, 02:41 PM   #205
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Yes the challenges will come. You can prepare for them, think through them but sometimes they will come from you sideways, when you least expect. Stay vigilante, be honest with yourself, think through that first drink.

Saint
P.S. Off for a run with the dog.
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Unread 01-18-2013, 04:04 PM   #206
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Hi Tryn - (((hug))) I need that too right now.

I completely relate to the feeling "when is the other shoe gonna drop?" I've had it more than once. What I've realized is that it just might. Drop, that is, in one way or another in my life. The choice that I have today is to take care of myself and know where my support is when I need it. And when things get tough or there are challenges, I hold on tight to my support. There are some things going on right now with my family that are just an ugly mess. But I am ok and I will be ok.

Also, it is really windy but in the 50's today. Wow! However, I have heard that the high temperature on Monday is going to be 11F. Winter is my least favorite season. Jenm
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Unread 01-19-2013, 07:49 AM   #207
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Hello everyone, and Jenm a big hug back to you.

It's a new day and by being so i realise that yesterday was a difficult one for me. The support and feed back i got here reasuringly priceless. I think i was closer to a "wobble" than i thought. Consequently today i feel much stronger and also much more aware. I have realised that the least few weeks i have been "skipping along" without a care in the world. When i had actually put the poison down, it felt as if i no longer had worries at all. Well, of course i knew i had, but it felt that there was nothing, now, i wouldn't be able to handle. That is still the case, the difference being that now i recognise infact "skipping along" whilst i deal with my life, perhaps not entirely appropriate!I think i am guilty, because i was cartwheeling around enjoying my sobriety, of knowing other issues needed to be addressed, and my attitude was kind of, "i'll look at that another time. I am feeling too good to care". (Or, i don"t want anything to threaten my sobriety?)

Hmmm, not the way forward is it? I'm on it. I believe for me at this time, patience would be useful.

I am mindful that i have been sounding "needy". I feel concious there may be some "tuts" as i try to untangle myself. But it is not lost on me the company i keep here. I do know i am not on my own, it is why i am here. My love and understanding is as strong for you all, as your is for me.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 01-19-2013, 09:49 AM   #208
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Tryn,

I agree, patience is key. You are correct to concentrate on your sobriety at this time. Everything will fall in it's proper place. If not sober, all would eventually be lost..... Keep your eye on the prize. Your self awareness will serve you well.

Have a great, sober day!

Saint
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Unread 01-19-2013, 10:17 AM   #209
Tryntryagain
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Thank you Saint.

I am popping in almost every few hours at the mo. Writing to you all is really helpful right now. Still sober. Fingers and thumbs just doesn't cover it. I am dropping it, stubbing it, walking into it, losing it, (finding it then losing it again!), how can a human being be soooo all over the place sober???

Goodness me, what a whirlwind of nonsense this transition is turning out to be!!

Back to basics. A walk with a song in my heart. Job done.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 01-19-2013, 01:12 PM   #210
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Tryntry again. Keep it simple. One day at a time works for me.
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Unread 01-20-2013, 02:33 AM   #211
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Tryn & Jenm, every time you post it helps us and maybe all the new people who are in the background reading and not posting yet. Saint, your post was absolutely great! You da man.

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Unread 01-21-2013, 10:27 PM   #212
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Tryn,

I too constantly checked this forum when I first got sober. I can totally relate to what you are feeling. This forum was my lifeline. Still is....

I am still amazed how I can 'connect' with people over an anonymous internet forum. How I have grown to care for the people I have met here. You all feel like close friends, family members. Even you to Frank, Ha!

Hang in there Tryn. I've been where you are today. It does get easier in time. Some things are not meant to be rushed. There was no on/off switch for me.

Stay Strong,
Saint
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Unread 01-21-2013, 10:33 PM   #213
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Tryn,

P.S. Once again I am reminded of how short life is / can be. Today my sister in law buried her sister. Cancer, 49 years young. She put up a tremendous fight for 2.5 years. The docs originally gave her 6 months tops. She fought to live and lived to love those in her life. She was a special person!

Regards,
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Unread 01-23-2013, 12:22 PM   #214
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Hello everyone, and thank you Saint for your posts.

I am so sorry to hear your news, and yes, it brings home how fragile we all are. I think you being amazed at having a connection to "people" on the internet, i would suggest it is not perse the person, moreover the experiences they are going through. When one "connects" with the experience of another, we feel at one, and we can put ourselves in thier shoes. In doing so we walk thier mile, in doing so, perhaps we understand our mile just that little bit better.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 01-23-2013, 05:04 PM   #215
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I need to surround myself with alcoholics who want to stop drinking. That is why I try to stop by here every day.
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Unread 01-24-2013, 09:58 AM   #216
Tryntryagain
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Hello everyone.

I have completely blown it. What i am going to say is quite appalling, and i will make no attempt to curtail the responsibility that is mine.

Last night i had a drink. I did so because i thought i could. I am going to cut a very long story short. At 10pm last night i crashed my car. No one else was involved, no other cars were involved, i can only thank my luckky starts that is the case. The Police described the crash as "horrific", and they can not believe i got out alive. I was on a very dark road with no one around. I had the accident, climbed out of the wreck and rang the Police. I waited for 45 minutes for them to turn up. They did, i was arrested, and i was released this morning. I have court on Febuary 15th. I was twice the drink drive limit. If i was to say that it took the Police 20 mins to find the front wheel, will give you an indication of the accident i had. I am lucky to be alive.

I am now at home. My feelings i can not express. My future i can not see. My luck that no one was hurt palpable. The Police were somewhat bemused as to why i didn't "run off", but it didn't cross my mind. Now i am at home, i have been charged, i am still glad i didn't. I'm not sure why, with all my "friends" telling me that i should have done this, i should have done that, but when i scrambled out of the car i realised i was in a great big hole, the reason i rang the Police was that i thought it best to stop digging. Here i am.

I am properly (out of respect for this forum i will not swear, but you know what i mean) "done". Totally, and utterly of my own doing.

I am hanging onto life by my fingertips right now, straw, camel and back spring to mind.

Please everyone on this site/forum. LOOK AT ME, if you are struggling, don't get into your car.

I'm so sorry.
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Unread 01-24-2013, 11:27 AM   #217
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Tryn,

Yes you are a very fortunate man. As you realize you could have been seriously hurt. More imortantly you could have hurt, killed innocent people. Your accident also serves to strongly reinforce that could have been me instead of you. I am just a drink away...

I would only suggest you lean on your supports at this time. Perhaps you feel all is lost but as the say the measure of a man is not what he does when people are looking but instead, when they are not. Instead of running you take responsibility for your actions.

We have all had setbacks in our road to sobriety. Learn from the incident, learn what worked, what didn't work. Forgive yourself and move forward. You have another opportunity....

As serious as this incident is it could be a lot worse. Stay safe Tryn. You are in my thoughts.

Regards,
Saint
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Unread 01-24-2013, 11:53 AM   #218
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Tryntryagain, I guess you had not had enough.
I'm happy that you did not hurt or kill anyone else.
This is a turning point. You can continue to drink or stop drinking again.
Try a support group. I could not stay sober on my own.
Today I got up & made the choice & asked for guidance for another day of sobriety.
If the urge to drink comes I hope I will call my sponcer or another recovering alcoholic & think that 1st drink through.
I don't know what I will do if I pick up that 1st drink.
I won't judge you. You drank because your an alcoholic.
I suggest that you pick yourself up & try again. Don't give up on yourself.
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Unread 01-24-2013, 11:54 AM   #219
Tryntryagain
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As a fellow that embraces words to explain myself. I can find none.

Thank you Saint.
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Unread 01-24-2013, 11:55 AM   #220
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Thank you R Lee
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Unread 01-24-2013, 03:59 PM   #221
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Dear Tryn,
I am relieved you are not injured nor anyone else and thank you for sharing this - it proves how powerful, cunning and baffling this disease is. As harrowing as the accident sounds please don't get mired down with negative feelings - yes, talk it out, take positive action. IMO- most of us have had our own experiences and understand how disappointed you may feel and that you are probably kicking your own "a#s" all over the place. STOP. YOu can get through this in a positive way.
You know what to do, imo- pick yourself up, look at what happened, what led up to it. I was always told relapses start before we pick up that drink/ or substance though it may not be the exact rule so to speak. This is baffling disease.
What Lee and others posted, great ideas, find your safety net : people to call , places to go, before you pick up the drink.
You can choose to reboot, make a plan of what you can do when those cravings or that situation should happen again. In the beginning I gave you links ( which are on the site) about Medication Assisted Treatment like Vivitrol, Campral that have helped ppl with cravings. Just FYI.
Don't give up, you have come too far, you can get through this and be stronger than ever! Hang in there and take care, Carly
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Unread 01-25-2013, 11:15 AM   #222
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Thank you Carly.

Another day, it is begining to sink in the enormity of what i have done. I could have killed someone. The fact that i haven't of no solace to me at all. It was sheer luck, not judgement. My mind can only go over the accident again and again, and all i can see are mashed up people, dead. It didn't happen, but it feels like it did.

Shock? I'm not sure i deserve even that to be honest. But that is the case. I know i am on my own with this, but "picking myself up" leaves me wondering where to start.

I can't believe this. I can't get my head round what i have done. I will get a ban and a fine. It's not enough.

Loveness to all.
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Unread 01-25-2013, 12:19 PM   #223
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Tryntryagain, Quit beating youself up & move on.
Of course you have to deal with the consequences of your drunk driving.

Not one of us that has driven drunk can say for sure that we never injured or killed someone. We might have run someone off the road that we never saw & they were injured or killed.

You are an alcoholic. The fact that you are a alcoholic is why you drank. You did not think that 1st drink through. If we don't stay intuned with that fact we just may go back out & drink.

Look back at your post when you had stopped drinking. You were happy joyous & free. You can get back to that point in your life if you get honest with yourself & admit that you are powerless over alcohol & can not drink because you do not know what you will do after that 1st drink.

You are at a turning point in your life. You can give in & drink yourself to death, or forgive yourself & take responsibilty for you actions. Then move on as a recovering alcoholic.
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Unread 01-25-2013, 03:33 PM   #224
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R Lee, thank you.

Excuse my dramatics, quite frankly i still feel as if i am in the car.

Turning, rolling, time stood still beside me. It rejected my hand and i knew "this was it", i was on my own. A split second of time allowed me to know i had lost it, as succinctly as a hill walker knows he has reached the top of a hill. Death had no time to put its face on, called into action and caught cold. Luck got there first. There was no one around. Luck saw me coming.

You say "look back at your post, you were joyous and happy", what is that R Lee? I could not have been. Why have i done this? What possesed me? I can get my head around drinking, relapse, but to get into a car???? Kill everyone that happened to be walking by that night? Thank God you were all in bed.

When you are in custody and being charged, and everyone is in total amasement you are alive and not killed anybody, is nothing to the 12 hours in your cell alone. It should be years.

I just can't take on board, "forgive yourself" at the moment. If what i have done wasn't so dreadful, it would be laughable.

This is what you get if you drink.

loveness to all.
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Unread 01-25-2013, 03:36 PM   #225
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Tryn,

You are alone in this only if you choose to be. Reach out, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get on with it. You can use this incident as an excuse to drink or you can choose to learn from it and move on. Today you have a choice.

Stay Strong,
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Unread 01-25-2013, 11:45 PM   #226
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Trntryagain, Happy, joyous & free. I freedom from having to take that 1st drink. Happy with your new life. Joyfull that you no longer think of just yourself.

This could not have been the 1st time you drove a car intoxicated. If it was your 1st arrest then this ordeal is a 1st for you.

If you keep drinking there are so many yets to come.

You have to work for your sobriety. It is a simple message don't drink alcohol. It is not easy. There is so much more to sobriety than drinking. I had to look at myself & see how I have lived my life for at least 42 years. It was not a pretty picture. Lier, cheat & a thief. This is a retired police officer talking here. Today I'm not a secret. I can love myself where as before I could not stand looking at myself.

Stay sober my friend.
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Unread 01-26-2013, 01:13 AM   #227
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Try, you are doing the right thing posting here getting some of the junk out. Once I got very drunk in a bar and had to lay my bike down going very fast, I didn't stop drinking, but I never got back on with so much as one beer in me after that. Thats the only thing I took away from it at the time. Keep comming back.

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Unread 01-26-2013, 04:32 PM   #228
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Tryn,

I've been thinking about you alot recently, I hope today you are in a little better place mentally.

In your previous post you asked "Why have i done this? What possesed me? I can get my head around drinking, relapse, but to get into a car???? Kill everyone that happened to be walking by that night?". Tryn, I would only answer by saying that's what alcoholics do. We do irresponsible and reckless things when we drink because one drink is never enough. I've been exactly where you are today. I crashed my car into a tree after a night of drinking. It was a Christmas party for my girlfriend's co workers. No seatbelt on, my head crashed through the windshield but not my shoulders. Tore up my neck pretty good when I popped back into the car. Walked 3 miles to my girlfriends house in the middle of a cold winter evening with what I thought at the time was leaves hanging from my neck. It was my skin hanging off me. Yeah I could have died very easily... I drank for another 20 some odd years. Tryn we are alcoholics. It's as simple as that. There is plenty of horror that awaits us should we choose to drink. The possibilities are endless and they are not limited to you. You can feel sorry for yourself or you can move on.

Stay safe my friend,
Saint
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Unread 01-26-2013, 08:12 PM   #229
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Tryn -

I'm happy that you are alive and able to post. I am happy that we are all here. We are survivors. We could all go on and on about the times that we drove drunk (or I could just say "I") but the reality is, I did it, I felt really crappy about it and I spent a whole lot of time beating myself up about it. But I cannot change it. I can't do anything at all but accept it and move forward. That is way easier said than done!! I am my own worst enemy. One of my support friends once told me that she refused to beat up on me, I did a good enough job of that myself. We are not going to beat up on you here. This happened in your life, and you cannot change it. You can, however, move forward and choose to live differently.

This exact situation has happened recently to someone I know. He drove while in a blackout and hit a parked car and totaled his car. He was not injured and no one else was injured. He was arrested and went to jail. He had no idea where the accident even occurred. He refused to be breath tested, so who knows what that reading was. I hope he changes his life, because it has been many years of hurt to a lot of people. What I'm saying here is, this sort of thing happens. It happens. To many people. I drink because I am an alcoholic. If I do not take steps to work on sobriety, I will drink. When I drink, I cannot guarantee what will happen in my future. It might be that day, the next week, or the next month, but I can't say that I wouldn't get in a car and drive and have the same thing happen to me.

I'm very glad that you are ok and that you took action and were responsible for what you did. That's a big deal. I am praying for you! Take care of yourself and quit beating yourself up. Jenm
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Unread 01-28-2013, 03:43 PM   #230
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As always, thank you Saint, and thank you Jenm.

The beating is done. I have not cast aside my guilt or shame, but i am needing to put it into a place where i can move on. Before this abhorrence, i was at the very beginings of moving to a new home, (something i haven't had for many, many years), and on Wednesday the papers can be signed. I have gone for it. Don't ask me how, but my insurance company were still prepared to pay for the recovery and whatnot, so that problem has be dealt with, and my daughters have said in time they will forgive me, as have my friends.

I must move on.

So wet bus stops and furious people will now be my company, each rain drop will make me realise what i have done. It makes me realise that you are all still here to feel that raindrop too. It could have been so different.

So many thanks i have for this space, this place, and the people that make it so, thank you for keeping your anger at me, to yourselfs.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 01-28-2013, 03:49 PM   #231
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Thank you R Lee for your post. You are so right, i know you are, you know you are, it is almost like watching a child cycling with stabalisers on. My journey to sobriety never runs down the path inwhich i want to go. Being "ready" i suppose is knowing why. I will keep searching.

Loveness to you.
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Unread 01-28-2013, 05:54 PM   #232
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tryntryagain View Post
As always, thank you Saint, and thank you Jenm.

The beating is done. I have not cast aside my guilt or shame, but i am needing to put it into a place where i can move on. Before this abhorrence, i was at the very beginings of moving to a new home, (something i haven't had for many, many years), and on Wednesday the papers can be signed. I have gone for it. Don't ask me how, but my insurance company were still prepared to pay for the recovery and whatnot, so that problem has be dealt with, and my daughters have said in time they will forgive me, as have my friends.

I must move on.

So wet bus stops and furious people will now be my company, each rain drop will make me realise what i have done. It makes me realise that you are all still here to feel that raindrop too. It could have been so different.

So many thanks i have for this space, this place, and the people that make it so, thank you for keeping your anger at me, to yourselfs.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.


Tryn,

Could have's, should have's, would have's have no place in recovery. It WILL get better. Now make it so!

You will never be alone in this. We are here for you.

Stay strong, stay focused.

Saint
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Unread 01-28-2013, 06:31 PM   #233
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Tryntryagain, I will not let you make me angry at you. I support your sobriety if you want it.
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Unread 01-29-2013, 06:07 PM   #234
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Thank you everyone, thank you Saint for holding that mirror up, i needed to see that. R Lee, i have not the slightest desire to make you angry, but sometimes honesty is a mighty hill to climb. When we fall as we climb, when we have been told how to climb, time and time again, have not listened and fell, how many fall with me? Anger is not the issue, learning from luck should be more adhered too than i have given it credit for. I am an idiot, not a fool. I believe there is a difference. I have first hand experience of this event making all that care angry, i would be. I am. I know that my experience is not on it's own, and i am aware that lots of people read this, and lots of people know exactly where i am. All know it's my fault. All feel the anger they felt, i was simply stating the bleedin obvious.

I went to my car today. (Perhaps this is why i am so angry) where the pieces left were taken. The lady at reception asked for my ID, and took me into a warehouse where my car was.

Good God, i have never seen anything like it. Imagine a multi story car park. Take a whole floor, that is where i am. I walked past car after car, my car was a tiny little thing, 22 years old, all legal apart from the driver, all the cars were "posh cars". BMW'S, Mercs, the top dogs. Their roofs were caved in. There was blood on glass as you walked past. There were belongings in the back of the cars, those with children will know what i mean. It was a house of horror. As i walked i knew each car had a story. How many were..............? I got to my car. No ididn't i "spotted it" from 40 yards. I stopped, put my hand over my mouth, and wished i had a God. I needed to thank someone. I don't know if anyone will "get this", but when i recovered my stuff and walked away, it felt as if i had just climbed out of the car. As i did so, i walked back through all those wrecked cars, right or wrong, i honestly felt i had caused every one.

I have a tenancy agreement infront of me. Tomorrow is a day where i have a task. I need to be on my mettle, interview for my keys, smile on my face, the sort of guy you wouldn't mind being a tenant. (It is social housing). Somehow my face must not say, "this is a fellow that was upside down in a car last week, oh, but in his favour, he missed everything"

Since the beginning, when i first shared with this forum, i have watched and listened to advice, and at strong times for me, tried to give back. The friends i have now made here, will be with me tomorrow. I can not tell you, how much this special family can give.

Be peaceful, be healthy, be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 01-29-2013, 07:17 PM   #235
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Try, at least you can clearly see what caused the crash. When I crashed my bike I chalked it off to bad luck and not enough to drinking.

I also should not be here as the bike was laid down sliding at 70 with me on my back, I kicked off just in time before it dug into the pavement and flipped. It would have ejected me over the guardrail down a canyon that I could not have survived.

Everyone here are glad to see you posting and trying to get it right, and a lot of us have had bad things happen to us while drinking, so you are in good company. Just keep trying. Beats the H out of the alternative.

Frank
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Unread 01-29-2013, 09:36 PM   #236
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Tryntryagain, Good luck tomorrow. We are here for you. It is the 1st drink that will get you.
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Unread 01-29-2013, 11:09 PM   #237
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Tryn,

Yes Try'n keep posting, vent as you need to. Get all the crap out. It took me more than one try to get sober to where I am today. You are not alone and not reinventing the wheel here.

Stay safe,
Saint
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Unread 01-30-2013, 05:29 PM   #238
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Thank you Saint and R Lee.

I have no right to be, but i am completely drained. There is much to do. I HAVE A HOME. I have the keys.

Goodness me i am lucky.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 01-30-2013, 09:25 PM   #239
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Tryntryagain, You have the right to turn your life around. It takes work but you can do it.
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Unread 01-31-2013, 05:23 PM   #240
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Thank you R Lee,

The only redeeming part of me i have, is i believe that.

Crikey things are hard.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 01-31-2013, 09:32 PM   #241
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Tryntryagain, Have you had any alcohol since your accident?
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Unread 02-01-2013, 06:18 AM   #242
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Tryn,

When things get tough reach out to your supports. Think through that first drink Tryn. You've got a lot on your plate right now, the accident, new home, court coming up. The pressures can build. Prioritize and take things one at a time. It's Ok it it's hard. It is in the beginning but it does get easier. Small consolation I know but it is worth it, you're worth it.

Stay Safe,
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Unread 02-01-2013, 11:44 AM   #243
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Thank you R Lee and Saint.

I have walked more miles in this last week than i have in the last 10 years. I don't eat, (last time toast and jam on Monday), and even my fingers are struggling to find strength. I tried to play the piano earlier, and my fingers won't move! Yes it is hard, but from second to second, it did not have to by this way. That being the case, mentally, emotionally i am bearing up, i hadn't taken into consideration my physical limitations. Anyway it all amounts to a hill of beans, it has to be done.

Yes R Lee, i have been drinking since the accident. I seem to be in a constant state of exasperation, and living in a constant swirl of anxiety. Tasks are thick and fast, their diversity, perplexing. Of course to another, my use of alcohol at this time is daft at best. I am used to a stressful life, i have no idea how to live another way. As things stand right now, a more ludicrous set of cirumstances i would find hard to come by, but my feelings are that i can not stand another straw right now, i would surely snap. Storing up trouble?, no doubt, but i am most certainly using my resources to the max now. In no way am i trying to justify my use, just trying to say how it is.

I have come back from the new flat now, and although i have not a stitch, it is mine. It is gorgeous, and as a "new build", it has buttons and "features" that look pretty scary to be honest. I have Concorde, (the dodgy but beautiful old passenger plane) more or less outside my window. I simply can not argue with that. I am a very, very lucky fellow.

If "my lot" was a view, it would be a jungle. So i am getting through each day by making a list the night before, get up, pick up the list, and my day is as long as it takes to tick everything, then i start again. Sooner, but more than likely later, if i'm still walking, i'll come out of the woods.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-01-2013, 01:53 PM   #244
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Tryntryagain, Thanks for the truth about your drinking.

Toast & jam the last thing you have eaten since Monday & this is Friday. You are existing only on alcohol & living a stressful life. This all amounts to a tragic end.

I'm not here to judge you. If this is the way you chose to live then so be it. At least you are a good example to someone who has an alcohol problem of what not to do. You show me the recovering alcoholic what awaits me if I chose to drink again.

I could not get sober on my own. I had to use a support group of recovering alcohol;ics to help me see that I'm not alone being a recovering alcoholic. When things become too stressful for me I can share at a table or with my sponcers what is going on with me.

You are in my thoughts & prayers.
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Unread 02-01-2013, 11:01 PM   #245
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Tryn,

Your words make me fear for your well being. They don't paint a picture of a person who is very lucky but a person who is being consumed once again by his disease.

Tryn you need to make changes in your life. It can't be business as usual. That didn't work before and I don't see how it will work today. Give up the facade. Let people help you. We are very good at isolating ourselves from those that can help us. We cannot do it all by ourselves. I hope you take this in the spirit intended.

I worry for you.....
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Unread 02-02-2013, 08:15 AM   #246
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Thank you R Lee and Saint. I hear your concerns, i too have the same.

I decided last night to have "this weekend off". By that i mean everything that is me. I am sick to death of all this. My efforts are taking all of me, and i could not carry on for another day. My own well being at a crisis point for me. I have promised myself some soup today, a long hot bath, and get some tears out. On monday i shall put all that away, and try and make next week as succesful as i can. The week after i have court, and now this is my 3rd offence, i worry i may lose my liberty, (if i do i will have no complaints) as if i do, after an 8 year wait on the housing list and having just accepted my new tenancy, will lost it in an hour if i go to prison. We shall see, but my anxiety has now found it's focus on that.

Trying to re-organise the deck chairs on my sinking ship is rather soul destroying. But i put the hole in the ship, so the best i can hope for is finding a way of "plugging the hole" myself. I am trying.

Yes R Lee, i am the example of what not to do, something about me is worthwhile then eh. Just 1 point i am not in agreement with, "if this is the way you chose to live, then so be it", what i am dealing with are NOT choices, they are consequences that have acrewed over 35 years. I have tried and will continue doing so, to rid myself of my demons.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-02-2013, 12:58 PM   #247
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Tryntryagain,You have the choice to drink or not drink. To eat or not eat. To forgive youself & move on or to beat youself up about a poor choice of once again drinking then driving.
My best to you.
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Unread 02-02-2013, 02:19 PM   #248
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Hi Tryn,

I'm sad to hear that you are choosing to slowly kill yourself with alcohol. Yes, it is a choice. Beyond all of the fancy words and elaborate writing, it is a simple choice. Is it easy? Heck no. We ALL have demons. We have ALL made poor choices and have had to deal with the consequences. We are not unique. Your story is not different than mine. We have the same disease.

I hope that you can realize that your life is worth more than what you think. Let us love you until you can love yourself. I am praying for you and I hope that you can make this decision to stop drinking and start getting your life back. You can get your life back no matter where you are - whether it be locked up or in your own place. It is your life, take it back. Jenm
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Unread 02-02-2013, 02:35 PM   #249
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Thank you R Lee and thank you Jenm, all wise words.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-02-2013, 10:57 PM   #250
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tryn,

Our lives to date are in fact the result of the choices we have or have not made!! We cannot wipe those years away but we can put them behind us, learn from them and move forward. We have to put them behind us to move forward, there is no other way. That means at some point forgiving ourselves and learning to love ourselves, demons included. Our demons are a part of us and to deny them is to deny a part of ourselves. Accept and learn to love those parts of you that you hate. And then work on progress, moving forward in a positive manner. As Jen says you can regain control of your life, regardless of where you are. So true... we are often blinded by what we hope to hold on to, not aware of all that will be lost. Your example of rearranging the deck chairs on the sinking ship is a perfect analogy.

Tryn you were moving forward but got sidetracked. Get back on the path.

Saint
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