Addiction Survivors

Notices

Reply
Unread 09-11-2012, 06:37 PM   #51
Tryntryagain
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,249
Default

Thank you R Lee. No i have not got a support group at this time. In the last 5 years i have set up 3 AA groups, 4 peer support groups, 4 "open groups", and became a "recovery champion" for the National Tretament Agency. This afternoon i spoke with the author of "walking the line" which raises the concerns that Service Users that become engaged in the provision of treatment services after many years within them, are now "being left to fend for themselves" when and if relapse occurs. He describes it as, "the service user has now been promoted from their peer support network and yet the proffessional suits around the table will not recognise the well being of the SU in recovery. They are stuck between a rock and a hard place" It is a very real issue. This is where i am. All treatment services within a whole swathe of the Country have hands on experience of my work. I have addressed at Government level Commissioners, treatment providers and the agencies from the Dept of Health, NHS and Social Services on many occassions. At the beginning of this year i was invited to "set up" treatment programs within women's prisons and YOI. (Youth offenders institutions). It involved meeting all the prisoners who wished to be involved, talking with them, getting their thoughts around what treatment they felt they needed. It was very much a person centred, needs led program that is running succesfully as i write. It involves both abstinence based programs, (12 step) and harm reduction programs. (CBT etc) SMART came around and i worked together with the Americans so that the availability of SMART was taken seriously by treatment providers and commissioners alike. That has been succesful in that SMART is now a major player in treatment services in my Country. I am regulaly on the television and radio around these issues and up until recently was the "go to person" for radio interviews and articles. My titles in the last 18 months have been service developement officer, independent consultant, recovery champion, theraputic facilitator and community welfare co ordinator. I also run music therapy groups and i am also an acupuncturist and have had used it for various agencies to help support alleviate suffering.

So why tell you all this? Bigging myself up? Most certainly not. I am simply trying to express what a terribly difficult set of circumstances i find myself in. It is virtually impossible for me to access any support, that is something the author of the report "walking the line" was absolutely alluding to. This is not in my head. All service providers have flatly refused to support me. That is not a perception, it is a fact. My GP has refered me onto a specialist psychiatrist "as a last resort", if i get an appointment it will be at a place that i was involved in their clinical governance. If i attended any AA meetings within 100's of miles radius it would shock many. It is also massively difficult to go back into a treatment services where i have been instrumental in shaping those services.

So this pathetic creature that is writing now is mighty, mighty stuck. It is why i said in earlier posts that i was "hiding". It is why it was such a massive mistake to try to go and get some work done.

Where am i when i need me?

I am utterly lost. I have a feeling that i have no "reference point". I have no "return to factory settings", i am scaring myself in where my alcohol addled mind is leading me. I feel as if i am drowing with nothing to hold onto. I honestly think after all these years of work, (not to mention 20 years of prior treatment) i have lost the battle against my own demons. I see no way out.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
Tryntryagain is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-11-2012, 06:50 PM   #52
CarlyO
Moderator
 
CarlyO's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,566
Default

Dear TrynTryagain,
Thank you for the update ! I think you know we can become masters at hiding and protecting our disease at all costs, however we can be our worst critics, believe we are horrible, that is the disease talking, remember it wants to keep you down. Don't let it !
Would you, could you, consider allowing the people that reached out in support to be there for you? They see something in you that is worthy that you may be unable to recognize at this point but it is there! Remember, in time, working on issues , that fog lifts and we start to feel human again.
Is it possible that if you go through counseling or whatever your "boss" suggests that you can return to work, this time healthy, dealing with your issues? There has to be an answer! Ex. in the states, many companies have a Confidential program in Human Resources called the EAP
( employee assistance Program) a person is designated to help an employee find the help they need with the goal of returning to work. Do you have anything similar? Rlee shared a great example, especially trying to handle this alone when our lives become unmanageable.
You haven't mentioned if you have made it through WDs , please stay safe! I believe there has to be answer, a solution. Thank you for updating us and we're here, but I also hope you will allow other supports so you find your way out of this and on to the positive, healthy life you deserve.
Take care, Carly
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
CarlyO is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to CarlyO For This Useful Post:
Thank You (10-14-2012)
Unread 09-11-2012, 07:23 PM   #53
Tryntryagain
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,249
Default

Thank you Carly again for such positive and compassionate words. No, i have not dealt with WD as i am still drinking. Please don't judge me too harshly for that, i am really, really struggling. I wish i could just....oh goodness....i just wish i could be sober. I am trying to "let myself in". If anyone came to me as me, i would be able to enable and empower them. What on earth is wrong with me? that i can not do it for myself? I have to say it, it is like i have some sort of "death wish", i can't see it any other way. I am so lucky. I have wonderful friends, i can not imagine what i am putting them through. They are all ex users and all have found sobriety and abstinence. Many became my friends while they were struggling and i was not. (At least that is what i made people believe) It has left them feeling as if they "owe me something". I continually and consistently tell them that only i can make a difference to me, only i can make the changes, just as they did. If i did not have the experience of treatments then fine, i could learn. But i know what to do, but i am simply not doing it. I have not the faintest idea why not. Self destruct? Self loathing? No idea.

Re EAP, you are so right. All professional staff have an out if they fall on difficult times. GP's for example have their own services they can access, same with the Police etc, etc. The problem has been identified that if you enter into treatment services from being a service user NO such provision is in place. It is quite extraordinary. As i said to the author today, "i remember thinking when i started working thinking, well at least if i fall on hard times and relapse, i will be well catered for". Imagine my shock when i found out that is was infact completely the opposite. The author has asked me if i could get myself well enough to be on a multi ministerial panel that is looking at precisely this. This is the way my drenched mind is working. I asked him, "when is it likely to be". He said, "well not in the next 10 minutes, but soon", without thinking i said, "i probably won't be around by then".....it was if i hadn't said it but only heard it. It just "came out", that scares me that my mind is getting ready to die. He said to me, "oh coe on Andy, we all know that will not happen, i mean you're ANDY"...."and who is that?" i asked. It is as if i am trying to "disown myself" but i have to walk around in my body. I feel quite, quite.....i was trying to think of the right word, all i can think of is desperate.

Thank you so much for all your support. I can not put into words how much of a lifeline this is proving to be.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
Tryntryagain is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-12-2012, 12:46 AM   #54
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Tryntryagain, I will not judge you. I'm here for you.
People like you prove to me that no matter how much time you have being sober or who you are you can go back out.
Alcohol is cunning baffleing & powerful. It is just waiting for me to think that I can just have one drink. My program is simple but not easy.
If I went back out I hope I would have the courage to walk back into a meeting & say I drank & it did not get any better. Some may judge me. That is their problem. Most would understand that I am an alcoholic & I can't drink.
We are compilated people whose thinking can get us in a world of poop.
Stop drinking the next time you have the urge. Try not drinking for 10 minutes & CALL ONE OF YOUR SOBER FRIENDS & they will be there right away.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-12-2012, 12:33 PM   #55
Tryntryagain
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,249
Default

Thank you R Lee for your kind and supportive words. I can remember a fellow that came into our service, really lovely guy and had struggled for so long with his alcohol addiction. At the time i was facilitating an open group. It was a place to come where all could share their experiences, and all had decided that they wanted to stop. The only criteria was that on the day no substances had been used. We set the time of the group at 1pm to give time for the addict to make the choice in the morning. The fellow eventually got to 22 days dry. On the 23rd day he came in, still dry, and said that he and a friend had worked out that if he lived to be 70 he "would not be able to have a drink for 10,950 days". I was aghast. I asked him, "why on earth have you calculated it like that?", he told me it was because he "can't drink". As much as i agreed with him i thought if every single day of your life you are going to "count the days down", is that really sobriety? Is that what i would wish for all my clients? I wanted him to chose not to drink, not to live in fear incase he did. Most of my life has been lived in fear, it is the fear i wish to abandon. I want to "see sense". I want to find the part of me that choses not to drink. I don't want to swap one fear for another. I want to live in freedom, so that i can at last be myself. That is the journey i am on. I do not believe i have a higher power, although i believe, and infact know, that works for many. I believe I am my own higher power. I believe it is my problem and it came to me through my weaknesses. It is for me to learn and accept those weaknesses to enable me to move on. I believe that if I take responsibility for my actions and inactions, i will eventually find my way. I find it extremely difficult to "hand over those responsibilities to a higher power", they are mine and until i "step up to the plate" i will find no redemption.

I am not rejecting your kindness and support, i am simply saying that after studying the big book, having had the care and compassion of those that prescribe it, it has not worked for me. Of the 6 rehabs i have been lucky enough to attend over my time, 4 of them were 12 step programs. All of which i completed.

I believe and know that there are other ways to acheive sobriety. For me it is to find the strength that simply must be within me, learn how to harness that strength and therefore go on to learn how to protect myself to produce, for me, a sustainable and progressive sobriety that enables me to grow, and to take full responsibility for who and what i am.

When i was working in harm reduction services it never surprised me when folk that attended would not take long before they felt that actually, they would really like to abstain from use. It is those folk that in my experience that have found sustainable sobriety. 12 step programs, although many who subscribe to it will say it is the most succesful treatment program there is, i have dealt for many years in funding the life saving treaments that are available, but 12 step programs never give any facts and figures. They say that it is an anonymous service so those figures can not be forthcoming. Whatever treatment service i have been involved in from harm reduction, to SMART, through residential rational recovery, all of those services have been anonymous. All have saved many lives and by collating information, feedback and service user engagement, those services are ever evolving and the safety nets that exist for them, ever moving to catch those that fall.

This is not a "rejection", i wish i "could believe", but it is just not for me. I, more often than not direct those in need to AA, as it works for so many, i know it does. It just doesn't work for me. I would always welcome AA, (as i said in a previous mail i have actually set up 3 AA groups that now have a weekly attendance of over 60. Every single one of them i wish so, so well. It simply goes over my head. It is "me" NOT AA. To over "egg" it as it were, half the bloody world wouldn't be here without AA, so please, please, do not think i am putting it down, that could not be further from the truth. It's just not for me.

Re calling friends. I am mindful that alot of my friends, (i would say 60% found their way through AA) don't need some whining idiot like me saying...."help!", there is no help they can offer until i help myself. What else can i say other than thank you R Lee, your care and compassion, the fact you chose to answer and support me, means absolutely the world.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
Tryntryagain is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-12-2012, 06:10 PM   #56
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Tryntryagain, I wish you the best.
AA is not the only way to get sober.
About 3% of the alcoholics that come to a AA meeting remain sober.
I came to AA as an atheist. I fought the god thing for years. One night I looked up into the sky & it came to me no human created all this. He there is a higher power something larger than a human.
Realizing that there is something out there larger than me gave me the power to turn things over. I'm no longer in the drivers seat. I can let things go. I can feel serenity.
I can not explaine my higher power. It is just out there.
Now this is just me speaking for myself. Do I believe in a loving god looking over me? No.
Do I believe in an after life? No
There is something out there higher than me. I have no control of events in my life or the worlds. I do have the power of doing the footwork in life but I can't plan the outcome.
I have a choice today to drink or not to. At this moment I chose to be a sober man.
As far as whining about not being sober to the 60 % of recovering people that you know who chose AA. Forget them & cry out for help from the other 40% who have chosen another way than AA to get sober.
I could not get sober by myself.
I do not have the answers, I can only make suggestions.
Your way of being in charge does not seem to be working.
I wish you the best & hope that you can find your way.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-12-2012, 07:01 PM   #57
CarlyO
Moderator
 
CarlyO's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,566
Default

Dear TrynTryagain,
I am sorry I missed your post where you described what your job entails. And believe me no judgements on your drinking just please please be careful. Are you aware of medication assisted treatment, granted you cannot be drinking but Vivitrol and Campral have worked for many with cravings. The info is in the links I gave you.

I honestly cannot understand why the very people who are in the field are refusing to help you - I am not intending to be dense - I cannot wrap my brain around it.
Where in the compassion? Just because you held this job or that position still does not negate your accomplishments for those in need !
It is a fact that your efforts and care for those in need does exists , you did so much for so many. Their attitude seems to be that because you are facing a crisis with alcohol that you are somehow undeserving? You were somehow supposed to be immune? NO ONE IS ! NO , addiction does not care who you are , what you do, it is an equal opportunity disease.
Is there a legal agency to help you get the help you need? Can you pay for private care? What of this author, could he plead your case? I know you have to be ready and willing to proceed, I still have faith that there is an answer somewhere. I have to go now but will return to check on you.
Whatever you do ,PLEASE do NOT give up, stay safe and take care, Carly
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
CarlyO is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-12-2012, 09:50 PM   #58
Tryntryagain
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,249
Default

Hello. R Lee thank you again. I really appreciate your open thoughts. I saw alot in your understanding. How i wish to find an horizon with a belief like yours. Thank you. Words are terribly important to me. It is how i "see". Your words resonated within me. For me it is not about answers, it is making sure i don't run out of questions.

Carly i can express why providers are not "able to help".

In my Country there are various charitable organisations that run treament services. 12 step is where it all started. When it was recognised that other treatments were neccesary to complement 12 step, "break away" organisations plied their wares, and harm reduction came about. 10 years ago our Government created The National Treatment Agency to repel the tidal wave of crime and anti social behaviour, prison not working. Their role to integrate all agencies involved in drug and alcohol addiction, create steering groups, so that they can distribute the 100's of millions into agencies that have won the funding, (very important) Intially they gave 600 million pounds, and it rose year on year, (this year 1 billion). After a year or 2 they recognised that they could not achieve, moreover understand, the needs of the dependent, unless they were involved in the process. So 8 years ago various Service User Groups became "important". The NTA, recognising that it was crucial to have service User input, told all Treatment Providers and Commissioners that UNLESS Service User involvement was a part of the consultation, implementation and monitoring of the service they received, they would not be funded. Consequently all Service Providers rushed around "picking the one that was standing up", and asked them " do you want to be involved?".

It was carnage.

It was so, because service users where obviously wanting to dedicate their lives to something, none of them were ready. I am talking deaths. It became too appalling, a service here....and a service there...were reporting the same thing. The NTA seeing it as collatarol damage, introduced "mentors". These were wise old owls who mentored other sections of society as well as taking on a Service User. (Business men and the like) The idea?....Get Service Users involved without them dropping dead. A bigger perspective, a "broader" picture, errr hello???

In my mind, having been within this, and NOT wanting to be involved, (i just wanted to get better), i saw what was happening. I put my hand up. I said, "i'll have some of that", (I'm a Londoner). When i said that... i was still drinking. No one knew. And off i went. In the next 3 years, from where i started, it was quite, quite ridiculous. From a "group" to speaking infront of 30 people in 3 weeks. To 100 in 6, 300 in 8, 1000 in 12, still drinking. I had my ability and availibilty to drink, down to minutes, maybe even seconds. (Out of a Conference because you are a speaker and "done your bit", another speaker comes on and you can go. That "relief" of getting a beer that you put in the glove compartment at 5am for just this time, madness) I fooled everybody for years. I think that some might have known, but because of their proffessional positions, it was better to "have me on board" than not. I ticked an awful lot of boxes, so i did. I set up the, shall we say "service users voices" to try to reach out to those on the ground, the reason for the NTA. That grew and grew. There are now radio stations, ethic minorites, the list is endless, enjoying the potential of their own freedom through sobriety. With a dear friend, we ran the very first SU Conference with the funding of the NTA. A day of Service Users from all over the Country to come and tell each other what works, and what does not. (I mean i live in a city and it takes me 1 bus and 20 mins to be able to access support, hmmm, well i live on the top of a hill in the middle of nowhere, how do i access treatment?) Networking and joining together in our fight against the illness that visits us. Out of that came "titled" SU groups, most of those that led those groups have suffered badly. It is because it has taken time to recognise this, it is only now talks are taking place. The NTA created "recovery Champions", no problem with that at all. 2 quick points, they have to be recovered, (what is that at policy level?) and they have to have the ability to champion it. Trust me "championing it" is no problem at all. I was quite brilliant at it. I have never, ever been recovered.

So, i have an e mail asking me to join a panel Re this issue, and i would love to.

Anyone about that can help me up?

Do excuse me all, i'm waffling. The answer as to why they won't help out, the day i signed my contract, the Director, (nice person), actually said to me, "you know if you run into any trouble we won't be able to facilitate you?". My heart said, "WHAT???", and my mouth said, (seriously)..."of course". She said that if i did, "we will cross that bridge if we come to it". That was an organisation, funded by the NTA, that attracted 80 million pounds per year for goodness sake. My job was to integrate SU's into the treatment process. The easiest job in the world.......if the providers are listening. They are not. All that are reading this, if you were me, could, would you knock on the door now and ask for help?

Tomorrow i am off to a very special community building, (without giving too much away), it's on old "pin" factory. It's another one of my hats. I have an authoritive role within it. We hire out rooms to the community and actively go amoungst the community to find out what their needs are, what is already being catered for, and we fill the gaps. It's hard work, (when you're half cut), but it is still rewarding. Such a beautiful building, so a comforting enviroment for it's folks. We have "weavers", we have "bumps and baby's", we have Yoga, young mums, we give space and facilities to single fathers to get together, and this is 1 of the places i set up the AA group, (funny, it's upstairs, i'm desperate, and i can't go up there other than to "inspire"....madness), although i have to say that i love my music group. So many different folk from the community. I got a lady of 80, "who wants to learn to play the piano"....i said to her, "all that is within you can come out of your fingers"....she laughed, hmm, maybe more of a giggle, and made the most wretched noise you have ever heard. Over there is a mum dripping with hippie, still determined to play that one tune, a comprehensive drum kit always appeals to the boys of varying ages. They look at the kit as if they shouldn't touch it. The joy on the faces of the boys, the hippie and the old lady are truly, truly heart warming. Nothing like a racket. (If only you lot knew how much we have to find just to heat the building!!)

Promise not too much more. It's 1.30am. This is how i will deal with tomorrow.

I need to be " on it" at 11am. I will get up at 6am, i will drink for 2 hours. I will then bath, shave, suit and boot, and i'm good to go.

How long does this last? Does it really last until you die? I know it does, but it won't happen to me.

R Lee, if there is a higher power, i have always had access to it. The pathway, should i chose, i can take. Why, when i look up into the sky, i think i am half the man i should be. (Boy that half is diminishing by the minute) That being the case, if i ever stop drinking, the other half will kick in and i can be me? I want to know what a higher power is. For me, it's a room you're not allowed into.

I'm sorry for splattering myself all over you, but i really have no one to talk to. You are all, yes important to me. You all stop me screaming, this is what this forum does for me. Thank you.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
Tryntryagain is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-12-2012, 10:44 PM   #59
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Tryntryagain, You have already planned on drinking tomorrow. I don't plan on drinking today. I don't know that I have a tomorrow.

When I drank I looked in the mirror & did not like what I saw a self centered self serving me me me kind of man. I hated that man. Divorced 3 times children 2,500 miles away, a liar cheat & thief.

I don't know what my higher power is. I don't need to know. I just know that there is something out there. At night I get on my knees & I say thanks for another day of sobriety. In the morning I humble myself & ask for help to stay sober another day.

Last edited by R. Lee; 09-12-2012 at 10:48 PM..
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-12-2012, 10:58 PM   #60
Tryntryagain
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,249
Default

Thank you R Lee for your support, i do understand what you are saying. Yes i am planing to drink tomorrow, it is because otherwise i won't be able to conduct my responsibilties. I am glad that you are in a place that allows you to take each day at a time. I wish i was there. I have to ask, that if you don't know what your higher power is, what and who do you say thanks to? Why do you need to humble yourself?, i am humble and came about it through my experiences, that is concurrent. I want to enjoy being sober another day, not having to ask for help in doing it every day. Impossible?, i don't know.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
Tryntryagain is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-13-2012, 01:15 AM   #61
CarlyO
Moderator
 
CarlyO's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,566
Default

Dear TRYNTRYAGAIN,

I hope you didn't feel obligated to go into detail about your work. What I gathered is that the contract plays a large part and it seems very complicated or is it ?
We are here for you, no judgements , perhaps understanding the health implications and the progression of this disease might change your outlook.
Is any job worth jeapordizing your health, your life for? If you are not ready, I get it, it takes what it takes.
Most importantly stay safe. I posted some links,also go back and read Lee and Saint as well as other members threads could give you insight and inspiration.
Each member finds their own way, what works for them.
You may not see this until tomorrow, I hope you have a good, safe day.
Take care, Carly


UK Treatment ( u may be aware of these /worth a try:
http://www.drugfree.org/?s=UK+treatment+

http://www.hbo.com/addiction/underst...addiction.html
The disease process and other Info:
http://www.alcoholanswers.org/alcoho...uestions.cfm#1

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Albert Einstein
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
CarlyO is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-13-2012, 09:48 PM   #62
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Tryntryagain, I just say thanks for another day.
It was sugested that I get humble. It was hard for me to get humble. I wanted to control everything in my life including sobriety. I can't do this alone.
I came in to sobriety as an atheist & sat at the tables a very lonely person as just about everyone else had a God, Savior, Lord. I had nothing by the will to get sober so I stayed around & realized that there is something higher than a human. A man or womam did not create this universe. So there is something higher than a human. That is simple enough for me. It is a simple program but we can sure comlicate it.
Do you realy think I wanted to come out on this site & explain my conception of a higher power. I did not. I was trying to connect with you that you are not the only one who had no higher power or God.
Now the active alcoholic is going to turn this around on the recovering alcoholic.
You are a very educated man on the subject of addiction & alcoholism & you have let me know that.
You came here as a person crying out for help
With all do respect what I hear from you is that you want to be in charge of your sobriety. How is that working for you? You can not cunduct your responsibilities with out a drink.
What normal person gets up at 6 AM drinks for two hours to be able to conduct their responsibilities?
You are an alcoholic who can not drink. You may not have hit your bottom. So continue what you are doing until you bottom out get sober or die.
I'M NOT MAD OR UPSET WITH YOU.
THIS IS ALL SAID WITH YOUR SOBRIETY IN MIND.
I CAN'T GET YOU SOBER.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-13-2012, 11:56 PM   #63
CarlyO
Moderator
 
CarlyO's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,566
Default

Dear TrynTryagain,
I hope you made it through today, it is a full time job managing it all. as I post that I think : There is much more to our lives than merely existing, hanging on from day to day, when we are active in addiction. You have a desire, something inside you wants to be sober, I don't doubt that for a second! We're here for you. Hang in there - stay safe, Carly
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
CarlyO is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-14-2012, 09:07 PM   #64
Tryntryagain
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,249
Default

Hello all. Thank you Carly. Yup something inside me definately wants to be sober. Thank you R lee for your honesty. I know you can't get me sober. I have not come on this site expecting that to happen. My life is topsy turvy to say the least, and my perception is there are few places i can go to "let it out". I am in no doubt that i am unwell, and that sustaining saftey is an issue for me. That is what i am hoping from this forum. I am in a mighty mess, and i know i got to get myself out of it. By expressing myself here, i hope it helps me understand more about myself that may help me out at this time. The inspiration of others and the understanding. Being able to express my confusion I hope that others that feel the same no longer feel alone, and while i'm writing, i,m not drinking. I saw GP this morning, and i am trying to use this weekend to relax. I have to eat.

Thank you all for your support.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
Tryntryagain is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-14-2012, 11:08 PM   #65
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Tryntryagain, Thank you for your posts. I'm glad that you can vent here. You have my support. Be good to yourself.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-15-2012, 06:37 PM   #66
Tryntryagain
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,249
Default

Thank you R Lee. Your words over the last few times you have shared with me, massively welcome, but as things are the way they are for me, understandably diffuclt to get me head round.

This forum is sufficiently important to me to listen to every word that anyone says to me. From that i learn. What i hear from you R Lee, is that "if you always do what you have always done, you're always going to get what you've always got", i hear that truly, i do. But as has been alluded to, we live complicated lives. None of us know the half of it for others. It's the half "we don't know about" that needs addressing for me. I have never met an addict that wanted to be one. I think if we keep on asking questions, forums, because there are so many "pathways/perceptions", it will always help someone, somewhere, from that we grow?

Today i spent time with the kids, (i have 6), all working, and i see/ contact them everyday. They obviously have thier own lives, but they work hard, and we all are very close. Even the mess i am in, i am cooking sunday roast for them tomorrow. My problem is that i can have the tatties, (potatoes) just crisping, and could very well drop in the bathroom. The biggest shame i have is because of them. They know my struggles/struggle. If you are a parent reading this you will know what i mean. You hold it together, but they know that is what you are doing. They worry so much for you. So a massive energy spike is needed. There is no time to "come off it", everyday there will be a need, so you have to be as an active alcoholic so be able to cover your business. So it is never ending. Then there is work, (even from home), the wheels have to keep turning, otherwise i become worthless.

Done well with the booze today. Half from yesterday.

Thankyou everyone.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all
Tryntryagain is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-15-2012, 10:23 PM   #67
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Keep posting Tryntryagain. My best to you.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-16-2012, 01:26 AM   #68
CarlyO
Moderator
 
CarlyO's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,566
Default

Hang in there, keep venting, reading whatever may help you. As always, stay safe, Carly
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
CarlyO is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-18-2012, 12:36 PM   #69
camachomissy
Member
 
camachomissy's Avatar
 
Posts: 31
Default

I am 5 days sober. It just takes one day at a time. You are not alone
camachomissy is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-21-2012, 09:14 AM   #70
Tryntryagain
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,249
Default

Thank you Carly and all. camachomissy, absolutely sopt on!! I can't tell you how mush of an enormous step you have taken. Is sounds patronising to say well done you, it is not meant to be....WELL DONE YOU!! 5 days without a drink is 5 days of your life when you know whom you are. You know all those "dark days" when you just didn't know what is up or down, they are now behind you. The very best to you.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all
Tryntryagain is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-22-2012, 09:58 PM   #71
CarlyO
Moderator
 
CarlyO's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,566
Default

Dear Tryntryagain,
It is good to see a post from you. Hope you are well, staying safe and you know the rest. As always we are here for you. Take care of yourself, Carly
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
CarlyO is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-23-2012, 07:48 PM   #72
Tryntryagain
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,249
Default

Thank you Carly and all. Chamachomissy, i really hope that you are coping and enjoying your path. My best wishes for you, every day.

I have been lucky enough to have spent the last 48 hours away in the company of a family, (not mine, i'm just a best friend to Dad), and all of us respect and love one another. As luck would have it, their home is in the most beautiful part of the Country. A pebbles throw from the sea, and a glance away from rolling moors.

I have been left in no doubt whatsoever, that all i need to address my addiction i have, and it was time for a size 12 boot up my backside. It was duly delivered.

All i have to do now is stop drinking. I can hear R Lee in my heart. You were right my friend.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
Tryntryagain is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-23-2012, 09:12 PM   #73
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Tryntryagain, Sometimes quickly sometimes slowly. Work on staying sober just for today.
I could not stay sober alone.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-23-2012, 09:51 PM   #74
Tryntryagain
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,249
Default

R Lee, yup, indeed. Thank you.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
Tryntryagain is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-24-2012, 01:00 PM   #75
camachomissy
Member
 
camachomissy's Avatar
 
Posts: 31
Default

tryntryagain,
You have the determination and the ability to see outside of yourself. This is true healing :-) You inspire me my friend.
camachomissy is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-24-2012, 04:46 PM   #76
Tryntryagain
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,249
Default

Hello all and thank you for those kind words camachomissy. I hope that your journey is becoming just that little bit easier for you.

My referal for professional support was turned down today, (after 2 re referals). I have now "run out" of procedures and ways of accessing support. My day to day existence as R Lee alluded to a few posts ago has come to pass in that i can no longer function at any level in terms of work. I have to go to a meeting on Wednesday to say just that. I am going to have to say that i am ill and will not be able to support any of the projects that i have a role in. I'm not sure how i will feel in doing so, but i can give no more "excuses". I don't want this to be taken the wrong way, but "i give up". I can no longer spin my plates and if i were to be totally honest i believe they have been crashing down around me for a while now. I do believe R Lee that i have indeed now hit my rock bottom. I think i also know how i can recognise this. I am a fighter and a survivor. I have always gone to extraordinary lengths to keep busy, keep having challanges to excercise my spirit and my soul. I never get to the point of "giving up", i always believe there must be a "way", a path i can take to enable me and allow personal developement to be an important part of who i am. I came back from being away with friends, having been read the "riot act", quite properly and with my best interests at heart, but i can't deny it "hurt". But the truth does eh? I am so, so, so tired. This morning i "came round" and plucked up all the courage i have left and rang this unit to ask them about my referal. I was politely told that it is up to the service to either accept or deny any referals they receive. They said that "on this occasion we are unable to accept your referal". I then asked therefore that maybe in the future may i be accpeted?, "doubtful" was the answer. I asked if it would be possible to put their reasons for turning down my referal in writing, that was also denied. So i put the phone down, and that is when i knew i had given up. I was at a loss. Off i went to do my morning throwing up routine, which usually makes me feel better, and for the first time in my life, i went back to bed and simply hid under the duvet. I unplugged all my phones, switched everything off and just lay here for hours thinking of nothing, feeling a total mess. I have puuled myself together in that i got up eventually and feel like a ghost. I am "here", but there does not appear to be anyone at home right now.

Tomorrows another day, hopefully a step closer to well being and a feeling of positivity. I will try my absolute best to make that the case.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
Tryntryagain is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-24-2012, 06:07 PM   #77
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Tryntryagain, Now is the time to pull yourself up & find a support group that will accept a alcoholic at no cost. All you need to say is your 1st name & I have the desire not to drink today.
Think through that next drink.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-24-2012, 07:10 PM   #78
Saint
Senior Member
 
Saint's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,364
Default

Tryntryagain,

Help is available for you, search it out!! Don't be a prisoner of your own making. DO what it takes to get sober. Lean on those that have supported in the past.
The live you save will be your own..

Regards,
Saint
Saint is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-25-2012, 07:08 AM   #79
Tryntryagain
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,249
Default

Saint, thank you for your thoughts. "lean on those that have helped you in the past", i have spent 6 weeks trying to do just that. THEY are turning me away. Would you consider writing to the Recovery Champion of my area explaining my difficulties, would you consider writing to the manager of our National Treatment Agency asking for help, would you consider begging my GP for a home detox, would you consider refering myself to a detox unit, would you consider asking to borrow money so i can go private and would you consider actually turning up at the offices of the agency that turned me down yesterday....today, seeking out the help that i need? Sure i am in a mess, but please don't think that i am not "trying" to seek out help and support, ANY help and support that i need. It is why this forum is extremely important to me. By hook or by crook i will get there. It is just becoming abundantly clear, that all the services i have accessed before believe there is no more they can do to help, so i have to find a coping mechanism, and a working stratagy so i can enable myself. For some, it may well be their only option to try and do it on their own. For a more measured undrstanding of "where i am at", i urge you to google and read, "walking the line" by Harry Shapiro. , (Yup witten to him and asked for help as well), that explains why i am being "turned away". I am not wallowing in self pity here. I am angry that i am being turned away, but in part i understand that, but it does not help me, (as the practice manager of my surgery said). This forum helps me immensely. It is my AA group, it is my SMART recovery group, it is my Rational recovery group, it is a place i can come where i can express, explore and find hope for the future, until i can find a way of accessing something, anything that i can touch, feel and see. I am even considering moving to another part of my country (if i can find a way of doing that) so that i can bypass the issues that face me here. My last throw of the dice has been a referal to a psychiatrist who specialises in dependency and addiction. Again my referal has to be accepted and that will take several months. I recognise that i need support today and tomorrow et al. Saint, i am not in denial. I wholly accept that my life has become and has been unmanagable for a while now, and i have done what any one of us would do in accessing the support that is available,it simply has not been afforded to me. This is also not poor me, poor me, pour me another, i have had a conversation with a friend who came with me this morning to this unit, (he wanted to hear them decline me treatment for himself, not quite believing it), we got back into the car and we said ....right.....how many units of alcohol do you feel you need to stave off WD's for now? AND.....what about buying the detox medications, (librium and thiamine) of the internet? We all know "do what it takes", well these are very realisitic options, by no means preferable and maybe even dangerous, but if i don't do something, i will die. I do not wish that. May i just say that i do NOT believe anyone should try this, ever.

Anyway i have the bliniding hump and i am waffling.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
Tryntryagain is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-25-2012, 11:52 AM   #80
Saint
Senior Member
 
Saint's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,364
Default

So I ask..... Why not a meeting, a support group?


Regards,
Saint
Saint is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-25-2012, 12:41 PM   #81
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Tryntryagain, There is help out there that will not turn you down if you have the desire not to drink.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-25-2012, 03:39 PM   #82
Tryntryagain
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,249
Default

Hello all, and thank you Saint and R Lee. Saint i can not access a support group within my area. It is because the staff that run and facilitate them were my collegues. I have held positions with the 3 Service Providers in my area. They feel that because of those dynamics, it would be inappropriate. I cannot secure funding for treatment outside my area.

Meetings. Ok you are all right. If it saves my life, of course. But please recognise that i have a choice of AA meetings, 3 of them i "set up". (Found venues, was working in an enviroment where those in need of such meetings were prevelant, contacted all and found "chairpersons" with experience to facilitate. Even though SMART was becoming "popular", my paw prints on that as well, all 3 groups have been running sustainably now for over 2 years. It participants, many of whom i know personally through working to support them over time, would most certainly be surprised at the state of me right now).

Saint, R Lee?, i just don't have that amount of courage. However benine and false my pride may seem, i honestly believe i do have some. I would just die of embarrasment turning up to an AA meeting only to bump into people that would quite rightly say...."what are you doing here??? You mean all those things you said, all those things you shared that helped us on our way, you can't do?? You mean all the time you were suggesting this was something that would benefit us......you didn't believe it yourself all along???........."You're a fraud!"

Bottom line? Right now, who is to say what will happen in the future, i am sorely tempted to take it on the chin, at least it would give my liver a break eh? I looked online for a "where to find" in my area, no can do. However, before you all roll your eyes at me, i thought about 50-60 miles away and found metings in places i have never heard of. I can no longer say, "i can't go to a meeting". At this point i really want to thank you all, everyone of you for what has been a lifeline for me. R Lee, i am lucky enough to play musical instruments. When i interact with people i see it as "music". I try to "play along with their tune", i am good at it. Not that good though eh? Using the music analagy, your post that ended with, "I'M NOT ANGRY WITH YOU"....and...."I CAN'T GET YOU SOBER"......struck a chord, a rift if you like that i could not ignore. I want to thank you for that. I believe it was an influence that enabled me to look for meetings that i've never heard of.

My drinking is "controlable enough for me" at the moment to be able to attend. I just can't eat!! Somebody hear that!! I fiant, i get waves that leave me speechless for minutes, i have no food in me!!! I have food....the very thought....yuk!! What is that about???? I will need to eat to have the strength to travel to meetings that far away. I have been seriously worried about dying.....what's 50-60 miles?

I've got to try.

Thank you all.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
Tryntryagain is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-25-2012, 04:59 PM   #83
R. Lee
Senior Member
 
Posts: 4,984
Default

Tryntryagain, What do you want to do die of embarrasemt or die of alcoholism?
Where I'm at professionals don't set up meetings. Recovering alcoholics start meetings. If one of us goes out we don't judge them we welcome back the alcoholic that has the desire not to drink today.
Do you think that as a professional who organized new meetings that you can't just be a member who needs the help of their support. If you do you think too much of yourself.
Get humble go to a meeting & say I'm one of you a alcoholic who needs help. I can't stop drinking on my own. Get some phone numbers & when you have the urge to drink call someone in the program before you pick up that 1st drink.
You may be surprised how many people allready are aware of your alcoholism.
For you to judge what recovering alcoholics will think of you is wrong on your part.
None of us recovering alcoholics are too important to listen at a meeting & take away what we want & leave the rest.
The 1st step is : We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.
R. Lee is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to R. Lee For This Useful Post:
Thank You (09-28-2012)
Unread 09-25-2012, 10:55 PM   #84
Saint
Senior Member
 
Saint's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,364
Default

Tryntryagain,

"Pride goeth before the fall"......

Sounds to me like you want to get sober on your own terms. Give yourself and the people you helped in those meetings a chance. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy. Our preconceived thoughts prevent us from taking action because we believe what we think is always correct. I believe you know that is not a true statement.

We can rationalize our behaviour and say our drinking is manageable, but really, who are we kidding???

Do not let your fears prevent you from seeking the help you claim you want. Do what it takes to get sober. Yes, easier said than done but it can be done. Their are alcoholics in all walks of life. Doctors, lawyers, engineers, laborers, bus drivers, teachers, mothers, fathers.... They all have fears. Face those fears, accept them, and do something about them. They are holding you back.

Stay Strong,
Saint
Saint is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-26-2012, 05:41 PM   #85
Tryntryagain
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,249
Default

Thank you all.

Saint, I am well aware that alcohol, along with other addictions, do not favour any one section of society. I am also aware that "fear" does not belong to the addict. How one copes with, turns around, and purposely moves forward, casting those fears adrift, is what i am working towards.

As much as i appreciate all the support that i can get, sometimes balance can be as supportive, and as eloquent.

If you wish to reduce the addict to nothing, expect that of them before they can move on, and then prescribe a way of building them up, i hope you are as sure of yourself, as you imply i am.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
Tryntryagain is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-27-2012, 01:30 AM   #86
Saint
Senior Member
 
Saint's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,364
Default

Tryntryagain,

Help is available should you choose it.

The choice is yours.

I wish you the best on your journey.

Regards,
Saint
Saint is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-27-2012, 11:28 AM   #87
Tryntryagain
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,249
Default

Saint, many thanks. How i wish there was a choice.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
Tryntryagain is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-27-2012, 12:36 PM   #88
Saint
Senior Member
 
Saint's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,364
Default

Tryntryagain,

There is a choice..... sounds like you've made yours.

Regards,
Saint
Saint is offline   Reply With Quote
One User Says Thank You to Saint For This Useful Post:
Thank You (09-28-2012)
Unread 09-29-2012, 12:51 PM   #89
Tryntryagain
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,249
Default

Hello all, and thank you for all your thoughts. Saint, i have to say i think it is presumptious and jugemental for you to tell me that "i sound like i have made my choices". When one is looking for help and support, it is indeed welcome for others to express their experiences, however, i do not feel it is supportive if your inclination is to impress you feel i am "not getting it". There are many paths, yours no doubt works for you, however 12 step is not right for all. You seem to imply that until it is, there is no redemption. I seek no redemption, just a life where i can experience a quality of life, and impart my own experience in supporting others with theirs.

My words obviously not eloquent enough, my desire to withhold them, compact. The luck that surrounds me today, the reason why i am "dying to live".

All my children, (6), are all together again for a short period of time having come from all parts to be together. I have been touched in that they have all chosen to be with me, before anything else.

What is it we give? What is it that makes us attractive to those that love us? Are these the times where the angels are not looking? Are these times we are allowed, or must guilt be the butler that takes all the bags off our stagecoach at various points on our journey? The way all my children have "hugged me today" leaves me peaking on the summit of conscience, admiring a view i am not entirely sure is the landscape i have created for them, apparently it is. I am told to feel proud of that.

Beneath my eye level is a world inside me that is bursting with benign beleifs, curious considerations, jigsaw pieces scattered all around me, but a superstition that if i were to put them all together, it would not be the picture that was on the box, so i struggle. Why create something, that when done, is not what you wanted to create? If i was God...i would know whom to scare. Does one wait for a poison to cure you? Or is irresponsibility the symptom of the disease?

At the bottom of oceans live the hardiest's of souls. Above sea level anger and ineptitude build cities that proliferate the inability to touch, feel, care, and most of all there appears to be no mirrors in this purposely confusing existence.

People take their pride for walks within the confines of nature thinking there are solutions hidden in the undergrowth and growing beneath every tree. We wander as carelessly as a dog sniffing out truffles, and just like the dog that finds the truffles, has no idea what we have found. However important, and how delectable they may be, taste, as in belief and looks, is in the eye of the beholder.

Sinews of endurance pander within me. Staying alive seems an after thought. It is an expectation of mine that i will live forever. Because of my children being the way they are, being with me today i can categorically tell you that is true. But i am not done. I have so much work to do. Not on me, but on my world. The world i live in is running out of time and fresh air inwhich to breathe. Each time i read the posts here, each chance i take to express myself on this forum, i can breathe fresh, clean air. My soul adapts me each time after doing so to allow me to cry. What are held in those tears? Why do i cry them? What are they for? Where do they go when they drop from my face? Does my Mother earth soak them up and use them to grow strength or weakness?

Last night i ran my usual music group. I had a saxophonist, a clarinetist, a drummer, (a lady with a full drum kit), a violinist, 4 guitar players, i mandolin, a flute and myself on the piano. We added up between us an age of nearly 500 years old. I was asked.."where do you get all your energy from?"....i was tempted to say alcohol.

This forum, the love of my friends, the love of my children and my desire to live is actually where i get it from. I have this ridiculous notion that i have "love" within me. Love for what? What love do i have? What is it for? My answer?....Anyone that wants it.

I have not the slightest doubt that i will get posts back saying that unless you accept this and that, unless you "give up and hand over" to a higher power, you will ever struggle. I think it was Saint that said to me, "so where has it got you?" As much as i appreciate the question, you do not respect the answer.

I will say it one last time, i do not believe that a higher power will not enable me in the way it does for some. You say "i want to get sober on my own terms", i suggest you tell me that i can only get sober on your terms. I don't do that. I want to learn, strive for and take responsibility for myself. I wish to hand over that responsibility to no one but myself. If a belief in "i can't do it, something else has to" then so be it. I am not deriding it, but i take exception to a "senior member" telling me that "there are choices....it seems you have made yours", as judgmental.

Love and support, for me, is not about imposing your beliefs on others, but understanding their struggles, relating to their hurt, and being there whilst they try to find their own way of overcoming their issues.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
Tryntryagain is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-29-2012, 01:12 PM   #90
camachomissy
Member
 
camachomissy's Avatar
 
Posts: 31
Default

I appreciate your deep thoughts and wonder if at times alcohol was a way to tame the beast for you. Intellectually I struggled with people not understanding me and alcohol was a way for me to get to a numbness. Then I could get "out of myself" and be more on their level. What I have learned is there is no way to do this alone. As smart as we would like to believe we are, doing it my way left more destruction than good. All I did was "try and try again" and now I am ready for a true life change.
camachomissy is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-29-2012, 02:12 PM   #91
Tryntryagain
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,249
Default

Thank you camachomissy, i appreciate you taking the time to respond. I respect what you have learnt, numbness however has never been a port that i have been looking to moor at. I grant you, the drug that is alcohol can be used to do just that. Being alone, and loneliness, two ends of a very different spectrum. I have no wish for people to understand me, only a wish for me to understand myself. That is my journey.

I wholeheartedly implore you to find the true life change you are looking for, and the fact you recognise it, makes me feel optimistic for you.

Because i use fancy words, does that make you think i feel "smart"?. I feel daft as a brush quite frankly.

I believe that a true life change is not about changing yourself, it is about accepting who you are and feeling comfortable with that. But hey, what do i know?

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
Tryntryagain is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-29-2012, 03:39 PM   #92
camachomissy
Member
 
camachomissy's Avatar
 
Posts: 31
Default

You know yourself and that is the best weapon! No one can teach you that. It is a joourney that allows us to find all the answers we need and embrace the people that matter in our life. Live, love and prosper my friend. I see the light in you :-)
camachomissy is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-29-2012, 07:36 PM   #93
Saint
Senior Member
 
Saint's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,364
Default

tryntryagain,

I drank for most of my adult life. The longest I was sober until the time I stopped for good was six months I believe. A few weeks after I stopped drinking for the last time I came here. I wanted sobriety to 'stick' and I knew I needed to do something different if that was to be the case. So I came here. I learned from Carly, R Lee, Jerry, Magda and others here. I read the posts from those on the Friends and Family forum. After a period of time sober, (maybe a year?) I sought out the services of an alcohol/ addiction counselor. That is how I managed to get sober and so far stay sober. I recall asking my counselor the secret to sobriety.... she told me the answer..."Don't drink" !!! As I recall this now it still brings a smile to my face. It is as easy as that! And as hard!!

I have not availed myself of AA but nor do I rule it out. I have committed myself "to doing what it takes" to stay sober. Whatever it takes. We all have choices, every day!

I never availed myself of giving it over to God, or my higher power. Do I believe in God, a higher power. Absolutely!!!! I look up at the night sky and am filled with awe, every time. I am just one person on a planet filled with many others, in one solar system of many others.... it makes me humble. I cannot control the future but I can control how I react to what the future brings. I can react with anger, compassion, or attempt to understand. I have a choice every day. And I choose to do it sober. And I will do whatever it takes to stay sober.

I have accepted that I have no control over alcohol. I have embraced that part of me and loved it. Accepting that I have no control over alcohol has freed my soul and at times I have found periods of peace and serenity. I have "felt the sun on my face". I've never felt that while I drank.

You have the power within yourself to get sober if that is your desire. The choices may be painful but there is a much better world for you out there sober, that I truly believe. How you get there is up to you.

I wish you the best on your journey.

Regards,
Saint
Saint is offline   Reply With Quote
2 Users Say Thank You to Saint For This Useful Post:
Thank You (09-29-2012), Thank You (10-01-2012)
Unread 09-29-2012, 07:53 PM   #94
Tryntryagain
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,249
Default

Thank you chamachomissy, it's nice to know that others can recognise the fight in us all, that helps us get to the top of the hill we chose to climb, and Saint, that was a really lovely, soulful post. You could have chosen to respond in many ways, or maybe not at all, i truly appreciate your understanding, thank you. There is great strength and exprience within you that i have just learnt from. Learning is something i am trying to do all the time.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all
Tryntryagain is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-29-2012, 11:28 PM   #95
CarlyO
Moderator
 
CarlyO's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,566
Default

Dear tryntryagain,
Good to see an update from you -as Saint posted above and we have "discussed " this before: we all have to find our own way, in our time , before it is too late. While some find it through the various supports, imo Saint is spot on about doing whatever takes. We all have our own journeys, the commonality is the struggle , facing the beast and ideally the end result is remission. Getting healthy , mind , body and spirit so we can enjoy as much happiness out of our lives possible.
Do what you need to do to stay safe and know that we are here for you.
Take care, carly
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
CarlyO is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 10-01-2012, 12:19 PM   #96
camachomissy
Member
 
camachomissy's Avatar
 
Posts: 31
Default

Saint,
Your words resinate with me. I feel the power of "choice" in my own life now and it enables me to get through my weak moments. Listening now to the stories of others I can finally step out of my selfishness. With that being said, I am able to realize how much of a burden I was on my family and how everyday is a day to be better and healthy.
camachomissy is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 10-01-2012, 09:04 PM   #97
Tryntryagain
Senior Member
 
Posts: 3,249
Default

Hello all. This is my last post. I want to thank you all for being about for me. I thank you all for your experience.

Having taken into consideration, deep into my heart, all that you have said, i am so greatful for your time, for your compassion, for your forsight, your wisdom dripping out of every one of you, believe in it, take it, plant it in your soul, let it grow.

My advice? When you are walking into the wind, turn around, have the wind behind you. When your "demons" appear to be stronger than you, they are wrong.....not you.

When your dreams seem impossible, those are the times to make them happen.

When you feel you can not breathe, take a deep breath. When you have no fight left, fight.

Remember this. You are all fine, fine people. From whence you come from means not a jot, where you are going is what it is all about. Focus on that....job done.

Believe people. Believe in yourselfs.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.

Be lucky, take care of you.
Tryntryagain is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 10-01-2012, 10:21 PM   #98
Saint
Senior Member
 
Saint's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,364
Default

Tryntryagain,

Certainly words of wisdom to live by.

Thank you.

Stay safe and stay Strong,
Saint
Saint is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 10-02-2012, 12:18 AM   #99
CarlyO
Moderator
 
CarlyO's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,566
Default

Dear tryntryagain,
please take care and I hope all goes well for you. We're here if you ever need us.
__________________
Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
CarlyO is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 10-02-2012, 12:38 PM   #100
camachomissy
Member
 
camachomissy's Avatar
 
Posts: 31
Default

Take care! I wish you all the best in your journey.
camachomissy is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off




All times are GMT -4. The time now is 09:10 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
© 2014 Addiction Survivors