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Unread 04-15-2017, 08:15 PM   #5351
soapdish
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Sod them Tryn!
Rolo is your companion and you are his. You can address each other as you damn well choose!
I'm so glad you didn't respond to that email.

Very windy here near Liverpool today. Superb! My mum's brindle lurcher had a grand time whizzing around the sand dunes this morning. I, on the other hand, was freezing and knackered!
Xxxxxxxxxx
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Unread 04-16-2017, 06:07 AM   #5352
Tryntryagain
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dear gorgeous Sam, my dearest Lost Dog dearest Soapdish and my dear, dear R Lee thank you.

My dear Lost Dog and my gorgeous Sam, it is now nearly a year since i have the honour of sharing Rolo's journey. His story is, well, i just don't get it.

His owners had him from a puppy. That is 13 and half years! They are Spanish and had been in my dear ole Blighty for nearly 30 years. Very much their home. Brexit happened and so disgusted were they, they decided to leave and go back to Spain.

All of it so far i understand.

After the great man died i put myself out there on various charitys and whatnot and was down as someone would who consider homing a dog that was "hard to home". In my own journey i "get"..."hard to home"...so always knew i would be able to care for another with that problem.

So 1 night in the summer after the referendum i geyt a call at 8pm....

"My Tryn?"

"The very same. How may i help you?"

"I am ringing from X charity and i believe you would consider homing a challenging dog?"

"Most certainly. Whats the challenge?"

"Errr....ummmm.....well...how can i put it?......the dog is not the challenge"

"Now yer making all the sense in da world girl!....come on spit it out"

"I will send you a pic of him, and he needs to be rehomed by tomorrow"

"TOMORROW!"

"YUP"..

"OOokkaayy"

"I will give his owners your number"

They rang me within 10 minutes.

I will not transcript their call....it is just to pathetic to bother. They fell over themselves with excuses. They told me they had even booked a berth on the ferry for him yet a vet told them it would be far too hot for the ole fella, he would have to be shaved and whatnot....it would do for him.

No problem.

YOU DON'T ****ING GO THEN!

Look i don't want to be morbid...yet he is a very, very ole fella for his breed. He will not be around sooner rather than later......that's the likely outcome. (I however will keep the ole fella going forever trust me). So after having a family member all his life, knowing he is a very old man and is seeing out the twilight of his years....you dump the ****er? I don't ****ing think so. They told me he would have to be put down as rescue centres turn him away because of his age.

Honestly i could not believe what i was hearing. Anyway....now it is all about the dog.

It was by now 9.30pm........they said they would be at my home by 8am in the morning. I put the phone down and sat in silence wondering what had just happened...what i had just taken on board....and suddenly felt a cross between anger at the owners, and fear as to the huge change it would mean.

And so it was, 8am a large Mercedes with a barking dog and in they came. It was my first chance to meet my now dear friend and team mate....Rolo.

They were here no more than 40 minutes and i can remember trying to physically control my anger towards them. I did not want excuses..."reasons"....i wanted them out. He was all over them....it was ****ing awful.

I took complete control immediately. They told me they would not stay long and would go in a minute.

"No you won't. You stay right were you are. Don't you realise that if he sees you walk out the door.... to the day he dies he will be staring at it waiting for you to come back?" (I am afraid at this time i did something i rarely do and "sucked my teeth")

"I shall take him out for 20 minutes. When i get back, you are gone. Do you understand me?"

They nodded in unison like naughty children, staring at the ground. They could feel my repulsive astonishment.

I shall never forget that 20 minute walk with "Leon".

Within 20 minutes they had gone, Leon was now Rolo.....and free at last.

That's Rolo's story. Dumped at the side of the proverbial road on his longest and last walk of his journey. How do they know i wasn't the sort of chap that was going to "chop him up and put him in a curry?" I offered 2 references.....they didn't want to know. If ever the saying "washing your hands of......" needs explaining....Re Rolo.

I am fully aware there will be many reading this letter who simply do not understand why such an intense connection, why such "protection" and love to what after all is merely an animal, a pet. Why do some folk feel like i do, and others do not?

I do not know i just accept that is the way it is. For me personally i "owe dogs". I do so as my journey growing up on the street included a best friend at a time when i surely needed one in a dog. He was a stray, i was a stray. I never put him on a lead, the world we lived in was just not one many would recognise. We journeyed together for 4 years. We hitched all over the Country together, lived under trees together, roofs together and wandered many a city together. It is not going too far to say that in a large part, that dog brought me up to be the man i am today. I most definitely have a soulful and spiritual connection with dogs.....the dear ole fella proves my point every hour, or every day.

Yes my dear, dear R Lee, it is a busy time at the moment. I am choosing it to be that way. Often there are so many things that belong within somebody, that keeping going, keep moving forward is almost like a "risk free" option. My health means it is a delicate balancing act, yet sobriety allows me to keep that balance.

It has been lovely to hear the energy from both our dear gifted Alexis and our dear, sweet Lost Dog in their last letters. I do hope things are back "on the up". Of course i am mindful of the drink involved for our Alexis....and as my dear, dear R Lee says, there really is no problem if you can control and enjoy that drink. I would not want to be the one that took that enjoyment away from you. However, i would feel it a dereliction of duty so i would.....if i didn't gently remind you why we are all here. Just be careful. If the nightmare i experienced with alcohol is anything to go by, on my journey every time i thought i had alcohol under control.....well........i can still hear it laughing now.

Italiano!, dearest Soapdish......Liverpool = WINDY!!! I hope you enjoy your time with your loved ones on your visit to my dear ole Blighty.

Sope.....more leaflets to do today. "Thump....thump....thumping" of the children running around in the flat above me in my block. Sometimes it drives me bananas, sometimes it makes me journey back to bringing all the 6 up.......not a single second of those decades was there ever "silence". In actual fact, looking back i remember liking trying to "create" it.

I would get cross with the children.....6 of them could mean 3 simultaneous arguments could be going on at the same time over the supper table. I would muster all i could from my lungs and shout and the top of my voice...

"SILENCE!!!!! RIGHT NOW!!!!"

It was so sweet. For about 5 seconds...... total silence...then sneering....then s******ing...then giggling.....then fully fledged laughter........and you know what? EVERY SINGLE TIME.....it worked. Pesky kids.

Hey tell you what?......jeeezzeee....why didn't i think of it>>??....I could have moved to another country and had them all put down. Gosh!.....all that money!!! Hindsight may well be beautiful thing....it's also a daylight robber so it is!

Happy Easter to you all. Have a wonderful day.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 04-16-2017, 03:35 PM   #5353
Alexis
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Rolo is so lucky to have you Tryn, you are both made for each other. I think of you both every day

Hows your special Sunday been? I hope you are happy and well xxx
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Unread 04-16-2017, 10:01 PM   #5354
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Yes Rolo is lucky and you are too. It's a win win situation! Take care and stay well.
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Unread 04-17-2017, 06:07 AM   #5355
Tryntryagain
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dearest, gifted Alexis and sweet dearest Lost Dog. In life if you have a soul to share it, both will always be lucky.

Thank you dear Alexis, yesterday was a mindul day.

The great man was the biggest softy, the biggest kid i ever did know. (And this from a man who brought 6 kids up single handedly!) Larry was huge man, yet to be fair up against me, most men are pretty big, and Christmas, Easter he would behave much like a 7 year old would. It was sweet, so innocent. He loved "special occasions". He would buy all my children, all the grandchildren Easter Eggs and would always buy me an Easter egg that was big enough for me to actually reside in.

So last week i bought him an Easter egg. I don't know why i did. Nostalgia perhaps, wishful thinking and grief, all wrapped up in pretty bows. Tryn does not eat chocolate, sweeties, not chocolate, and i do not let Rolo eat chocolate.

So Tryn felt a bit of a plonker yesterday so he did. I'm living on pennys, yet i spent a fortune on an Easter egg for a dead man. I felt a "double whammy" as after given back that chaps £200...."throwing away" £15 on the Easter egg i wondered yesterday if i was more quickly than slowly losing my tiny mind.

My dear brothers and sisters it brings 2 things to mind........first the song from the jungle book...."the bare necessity"........for sure....follow your morals and the bare necessity of life will come to you......and secondly.....i bought that egg out of love. It was never going to wasted. It is so, because life has a quite wonderful way of intertwining itself, making every extremity's of all you are, come together.

I got a phone call last night from my Schmoo. She is not sure.....yet Maria might be coming over, yet in any case, her and Aaliyah are coming over for lunch today....Easter Monday.

It's a no ****ing brainer innit?

If Maria turns up to meet me for the first time.....she gets the egg.....if she does not, Lou Lou and Aaliyah can share it. Can't say fairer than that eh what?

I am more excited about seeing the girls to be fair. I have missed them and Lou has been working so hard at work and her exams that she has not had the time to come and see me. I am so very proud of her i can not wait to tell her to her face. They are well known for not turning up when they say they will, so i have everything crossed they will make it today.

I hope all of you have had a relaxing and gentle Easter period. I hope you feel refreshed and looking forward to tomorrow when everything starts all over again. Be proud to be you and be gracious and go steady on your way.

Have a quite wonderful Easter Monday.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 04-17-2017, 06:34 AM   #5356
Alexis
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Tryn what a lovely letter. I hope your girls arrive today, but if not, have a lovely relaxing Monday.

Yes dont give chocolate to Rolo, its poisonous to dogs...poor things!!

I had some mini eggs last night, yum!!

Love you xx
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Unread 04-17-2017, 07:09 AM   #5357
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Hi, I liked reading about Rolo's journey. I'm pleased it turned out so so well. Personally, when I moved to Brazil I took my little Kelly with me. It was the worst journey of my life 10 hours long haul. I felt like I could hear her crying the entire journey. Most likely she curled up and slept like a champ in her cushioned hold.
I weighed up re-homing her with taking her. Since she came to me as an abandoned dog, I felt she would suffer more if I re-homed her. I found her in a cramped carry box which she couldn't even stand up in, with parcel tape all around it, in the middle of the bushes alongside a remote path I was walking along. I took her home and she was all shaved along her back and her paws were bitten red raw.
By then all the neighbours were getting involved, a group of four twenty-something lads, my age, and they said they'd adopt her. So they did. But it was summer and they went out to festivals all day and night, leaving Kelly outside crying so she'd come to my door. I couldn't stand it, so I let her in. Her coat was still bad and she still gnawed at the paws. So I went to speak to the guys and the one of the group who had taken responsibility for her had gone on holiday for 2 weeks!!! So I said to the other guys, "unless you want to take better care of her, I'm taking her." And they said "cool." She had scabies mites poor thing. So that's the long, but I hope interesting story of my little Kelly.
She had a grand time in Brazil but died of illness aged 12. She had a happy life though. Looked like a hairy little fox.

Have a wonderful week Tryn.
Hugs
Xxxxxxx
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Unread 04-17-2017, 05:32 PM   #5358
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Sweet story SD. Tryn, hope you have a nice lovely time with your family!
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Unread 04-18-2017, 01:36 PM   #5359
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How are you Tryn? How was your Easter Monday? xx
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Unread 04-20-2017, 04:14 AM   #5360
soapdish
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Just dropping by to say hi and to wish you a nice week with Rolo.
Xxxxx
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Unread 04-20-2017, 01:20 PM   #5361
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Hugs, Tryn. Hope you're doing okay.
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Unread 04-20-2017, 04:39 PM   #5362
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Please be ok.
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Unread 04-20-2017, 04:41 PM   #5363
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worrying about you a little Tryn...everything ok? x
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Unread 04-21-2017, 11:58 AM   #5364
Tryntryagain
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Good afternoon everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dearest Soapdish, what a lovely journey with Kelly you shared. Thank you so much.

I have been about although not writing, as things are a tad of a struggle at the moment in that the leafleting i did, almost put paid to me. My instincts rule, so i try to "get on with things", i feel no limitations in my head, alas i have them in my body.

So much is going on int he family! It is so wonderful.

Well it would be....wouldn't it?....we are all alive.

Environments, aesthetic environments.

Whoever is/are reading these words, will be in an environment. How you take on board what you take in.... depends on that.

Our dearest Gifted Alexis, is young and vibrant, our dearest and "wise before her time" Soapdish, youthful and the future.

The gym......the desire to "be well". The courage to fight against self imagine taught to you by others.

The word "future" is important in terms of our emotional landscape. The world as it is now creates emotional ghettos where communication with anyone, anything, is only superseded by the lack of connection with oneself. What i factor into it....is the individual wanting to connect, doing so, and feeling overwhelmed with who they are.

Don't be.

And then there is us "oldies". The environment around us almost dictates itself with its compliments of joy and sadness.

I would say the single most difficult thing that challenges me now as an oldie, (that's a mathematical equation of how long your going to be around) is sadness.

Nope....not depression....yet those i have met on my journey with nothing, that were everything.

What does sadness look like to me today?

I recognise now, that is was one of my biggest motivators. I have never felt unlucky. I have never felt sad for myself, (substituted with anger), yet my goodness i have felt sadness for others.

I found that out from my dearest Lost Dog so i did.

I also found out that sadness is not pity.

It is...just....darn....right....sad. End of.

My dear, dear R Lee, at a time of life, the aesthetics.....the life around him holds just about everything. I am so sure many of us have gone through the devotion of travelling almost as instinct to those that need you. Care homes and the like.

This winter my dear R Lee...i will give you your logs back.

A different environment from the youngsters here.

Our Millie....oh my goodness......i could listen to Millie for hours and hours! ("i sound like fun!....yup) I read her letter that suggested with all the whatnot and neverminds......so incredibly empowering and lovely.

Yes....they can go together.

I wanted to really share that there are "so many environments around us..and within us"...right now. Take that on board, and a sandbag or 2 might slip off your shoulders.

See what happens.

It is nearly 4pm in my dear ole Blighty. We have been blessed, (for Blighty) with proper weather and nice days, turning a tad chilly, yet wonderful for the ole fella.

We are a team, and a team works best with a routine. I haven't been able to take the ole fella out in the last couple of days and have paid the nice dog people i told you about to pop round and take him out.

2 problems with that.

First, as nice as they are, not reliable, and second, when they do, he won't go without me, without kicking up a fuss. I am much, much better today, so we did it together.

He's not the only one that missed that.

Orrff we go...very...very slowly. I wish i could show you the smile on his face.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 04-21-2017, 12:26 PM   #5365
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Hey Tryn SO SO glad to hear from you!!!! I admit i was a little worried.

You sound peaceful, in your letter, slow, yes, but chilled out too.

Im glad you got out with Rolo today, take it easy though, dont push too hard.

Been rubbish weather here today, but will be a nice weekend i think.

Love you to those stars and back xx
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Unread 04-22-2017, 07:16 AM   #5366
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Awwwee, my dearest, gifted Alexis, thank you so much.

It is a bit of a "catch 22" for me at the moment in that my day by day sobriety has brought so much clarity and strength. It does not mean at times it is not a challenge for sure, (and smoking) and in a funny kinda way, "not so good health" aids my sobriety.

So feeling so lucky, with all my little projects on the go in the community, armed with a wealth of now clear experience i can draw upon and share for others well being, the ole arms and legs struggle to heave this bag of bones to where they need to go.

I have decided this week that i will start on the journey of getting my licence back and getting back on the road. It is almost out of necessity. As usual, Tryn's past behaviour will not make it easy/expensive.

This is the score.

I was banned from driving for 3 years 4 and a half years ago for drink driving. It was not my first, infact my 5th. The court also decided that i must go for a medical before they grant me my licence back. None of that is actually a problem, yet it is a very expensive process. I need to pay £96 odd to apply for the licence, and then i will be sent an appointment to go and see a Government Dr for tests on my liver etc, and that cost £106. So just to have my licence is back expensive. The i have to afford a car, which i could probably save for, yet the killer for me will be the insurance. I would not be able to afford that.

Sope....never to be defeated i found out that i can insurance a car "by the day". So for example if i was going to hospital on 24th, i would insure it for 24 hours on that day, obviously not driving it between times. There is always a solution.

I am also becoming quite a well known face around the place these days, what with my meetings with so many different folk, and the leafleting and meeting and greeting folk on my way. You know?....you can learn an awful lot about your neighbourhood by leafleting.

For example i learnt that there are a lot of dogs in the community, there is alot of dope smoking, (you can smell in just about every street) there are lots of single mums, and there is already a division between workers and unemployed.

So there you go....right there......doing little more than wandering up to every door in the manor...i can identify 4 needs straight away.

This will make you all smile.

So yesterday afternoon i get a call from a marvellous chap called Gez. He is the chap running all the workshops at the college. He rang me because the leaflets, the survey, they are starting to get the first replys. (30 up to date)......at first.....i wondered what was going on....

Bring, bring,

"Hellope"

"Ohhhh Tryn!!...."

"Yes......"

I could hear his office in the background was in some sort of uproar and i could not work out whether there was a problem or what.....then it appeared to sound that he was either crying or simply could not laughing with shrieks in the background.....

"Oi....OI! matey!....pull yourself together. Is everything alright?"

"Ohhh...", (obviously wiping tears away from his eyes)...."we have had some replys"

"Go on...."

He could barely finish the sentence before disappearing into laughter again.

The upshot was......1 of the questions on the survey asks to list your "top 4 prioritys" for the new neighbourhood. Fair enough.

1 reply had written,

1 Get rid of social housing.
2 Build no more social housing.
3 Arrest those in social housing.
4 Build a prison within the community.

I was speechless.

Now your Tryn has to propensity to be 2 things almost simultaneously. That is really rather quite bright, and breathtakingly stupid. There is a part of the form that asks you to tick if you are a homeowner, blah, blah, and before Tryn had time to engage his brain before his mouth i said to him....

"**** me......was it a homeowner?"

A more a stupid question would be hard to find with thought for goodness sake.......and it did little to stem the flow of hysterics on the other end of the phone when he replied...

"HOW DID YOU GUESS!!"

For me i was just delighted that all those days, all my little efforts, (i did 700 in the end) are already starting to come in. It will mean there will be much work to do in the summer and our residents association is already planning for summer festivals within the community for all. Each service provider within the community will have their little stalls to connect, the children will have all manner of activitys and treasure trails to go on, that sort of thing. It is a privilege to be within a group of people that influence what, how and why things happen.

And on the May 3rd. This is the last day of a 4 day workshop being run by Gez and his team. It is 10am-3pm for 2 days last of April, and the other 2 days in May finishing at 3pm on the 3rd.

It is quite a "coup" as for social tenants it is free, with free lunch provided and a free creche. The 4 days are designed to look at goals, what they are and how they can be achieved. It is not patronising, i know the people involved in putting this together. Their passion to tackle inequality, to create environments where self esteem and confidence can grow, yet there is something special with "this lot".

I have been fortunate on my journey to have met some of the most passionate individual people on the planet.

You walk into any organisation...and we all know them. I have NEVER experienced a "whole" organisation to be as passionate to a man, a women, the office pets the motivation that drives them forward. They had a choice of working from a super dooper brand spanking new posh office just been built about, Ooooo i'd say 7-8 miles away. They chose to stay right where they were, in a crumblin' ole shed basically, slap bang in the middle of the community.

I like that alot.

So yes these workshops, they have had 12 takers so far, more than enough to make it worthwhile, hopefully with more to come. I have been asked to come in for the last afternoon and frankly give a "motivational natter". They wanted me to promote my peer to peer, which i thought was valid, yet i thought it was more valuable to do it upside down. Like selling a product. So i decided to simply use a bit of my talk to express and communicate what "peer to peer" means, what it looks like. Its purpose, how it functions and its possible outcomes. If i can enthuse the idea, and folk can "get it" and want to be involved, then you simply finish by saying,

"if you wanna, here are my details"....rather than going in there and saying...."come join me"....that usually has an outcome of .....

"Yeah....whatever"

So how exciting is all that?

Everything i am doing is voluntary. It means i do not "represent anyone" so it should mean i am "on me todd" with my bits and bobs. Every single e mail i receive, every phone call and at every meeting, everyone asks after my health.

My journey means that i notice very little things. I have been involved in the community now for about 6 months with all that i have shared. In that time you get to know people,.... they get to know you. All the people i speak of have been to my little home for tea and chats at some stage. (Those working from the office say they like it as it gives them an excuse to get out!) I have been in their company in the last 10 days or so on several occasions, some very brief. Do you know what?...all of them at some point have actually, physically either put their arm around me briefly, patted my back and left hands on my shoulders, or shook my hand while squeezing my arm. I know where and whenever my body is touched. As much as it is "weird", so i recognise deep in my heart the kindness, mindfulness, the compassion and the love out there that exists within so many beautiful people that make up the majority of people all around you too.

It is easy with what we are bombarded with in our lives. Some with bombs, some with the pictures of the aftermath. We feel no love resides, that morality, the desire for happiness has all but gone.

It has not. It is as alive and as well as i could possibly have wished for. It is stronger, bigger and far more powerful than we imagine. Like a seed that needs the soil that needs the water that needs to sun to grow, so all we need, is each other. Then the conditions are ripe for goodness to grow.

It has been so lovely this morning in my dear ole Blighty writing this letter to you today. I am feeling as if i am getting stronger and better each day. We are expecting arctic temperatures next week with "snow possible at low levels"....ohhh how i love my dear ole Blighty!

The dear ole fella is simply a dear ole fella. His balance is going now. It was heartbreaking seeing him lift his leg to wee and frankly falling over. His other leg can no longer hold him. While the weather is not so bad, we wander over to an area that has a raised sorta concrete thing i can sit on. So now we wander there, and just sit together in the fresh air nattering about this and that and pondering what we can do to make neverminds intersting. I do hope for him this summer is not too hot. He's fast asleep by my feet now as i write....awwwwee....he looks so handsome.

My dearest brothers and sisters, whatever you do today, do it well and enjoy it.

Have a wonderful day.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 04-22-2017, 07:45 AM   #5367
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Wow tryn what a letter! I read it whilst drinking my tea

The work you are doing in the community is fantastic and special. Funny how community can lift our spirits!

And what a great idea for the car, i never knew you could do 24 hour insurance! Brilliant.

I hope today is wonderful for you and Rolo. Its sunny here which makes a big difference to my mood. Although as i write this, it has hidden behind a cloud....come out sun!!

Love you lots Tryn xxx
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Unread 04-22-2017, 09:19 AM   #5368
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Ciao Tryn,

A lovely, newsy letter. Your voluntary work is very interesting, and yes special like Alexis says. It just shows that even though each one of us is someone small, we are each a part of it all. I'm glad you are finding this work rewarding.

I have to get my driving license too but it'll cost €1000, not all at once, but it's a lot. I suppose that's right in a way, there are so many cars on the roads. Anyway, I had to go for a full medical and then attend the course. The instructor teaches in such a dull way. Sucks the life force out of me and I start day dreaming. It'll take 6 months. That's if I pass first time. Great to know about the insurance, I must see if 24h insurance exists here too, hmmmm.

Love to you
Have a wonderful day
Xxxxxx
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Unread 04-22-2017, 09:27 AM   #5369
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SD, i passed my driving licence on my 3rd attempt so it cost bloody loads haha xx
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Unread 04-22-2017, 12:44 PM   #5370
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I am so glad you are back writing. Best wishes on your work, take it easy and carefree for yourself.
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Unread 04-25-2017, 07:35 AM   #5371
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Awwee, thank you ladys. Yes the "day at a time insurance" you can get with Aviva.

For the first time i have had the ole fella, so early doors this morning i had rise to feel jealous of him so i did.

During the night, not a good one, i had to ring the out of hours Dr. They turned up, "on masse"...i really wasn't expecting that, 2 paramedics and the Dr, the Dr gave me an injection, and where the paramedics had gone was anyones guess until i hear all this "cooing and ahhhhing" from the bedroom.

Sope, Tryn is struggling to breathe.....the Dr has now joined the paramedics in the bedroom with Rolo, it was really rather bizarre....

"Err hello?.....HELLO PATIENT IN SITU NEXT DOOR!!"

It got to the point where i considered ringing the out of hours number again to get them out of the bedroom!

The bottom line was, my shot given, the fact they were all over Rolo to the extent the rash they would have got would have needed all their skills, meant there really wasn't much wrong with me. I must say, it did not feel like it at the time.

Anyhew, luckily i still share my little home with my team mate, i have picked up a little infection that's.....wait for it......"bugging me"!.......(i know!, where do i get them from!?), so unfortunately it has to be a bit of a duvet day today. I do feel rotten. The Dr is supposed to be ringing me this afternoon to make sure i'm still here. No worrys there.

No Milan today. He is very far away on the other side of the world doing his stuff. How i miss my stepping stone moments each week. How i miss him. When looks for guidance in life, when one is ready to accept guidance in life, it sure is handy if those mentors, those that guide, know what they are talking about.

Knock me down with a feather, and Nelly is my aunt, this fella does.

The first day of this workshop happens today, and on the 3rd i'm going to do a little chat with them all. As it the whole thing is looking at "goals"....(ergo employment), why not give a talk about "emotional job opportunitys" within us all?

Ummm...i think i mean confidence.

The "flyer" for the course....number 1, communicates it is recognised it might be difficult to be with new people, strangers......let's talk about that eh?

You know when folk are frightened.....within themselves, or just "of things and stuff"....what is the best pathway forward?

You are reading the words of a fellow that has tried just about all responses there are.

Laughter and humour.

When the world talks about the pen being mightier than the sword, so true, and so humour is mightier than fear. So it is. When you hear laughter, it is a guarantee what has been said, has been heard and understood.

In this incredible family we often refer to gratitude, quite rightly so. Gratitude holds our "reference points" like our morals, our principals and our ethics. Gratitude in computer speak is a "restore point" in that you can return to a place where things worked.

In my wonky way of seeing the world and everyone in it, humour is a vital foundation in recovery......whatever the recovery is for.

On this rather resplendent Tuesday dear ole Blighty morning......Tryn is not just a bag of bones today, he feels like a bag of shit as well. So he does.

HEY!.....at least i can laugh about it. It will make me better.

Have wonderful, wonderful day my beautiful brothers and sisters, my priceless friends.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 04-25-2017, 10:25 AM   #5372
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Hope you feel ok today Tryn? Always scary to have to get the Dr out at night.

How are you both doing?

Love xx
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Unread 04-26-2017, 08:17 AM   #5373
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Thank you my dearest, gifdted Alexis. Another day is always a good day. I am feeling a bit better today thank you.

I find my journey now, and how i "fell" very dependent on the connections i make with folk on a daily basis. Here, out there in the community, it is massively important to me.

The local vicar bless him lives literally a few doors down from me. I see him a various community meetings, yet do not often get to speak to him on a 1-1 basis.

He is a runner. Loves his running and does the sorta "couch potatoes to 5K's" stuff in the community. He often runs past me early doors, pops his hand up as he goes.

Yesterday, he ran past, stopped and walked back with me for 20 odd minutes talking about the leaflets, the outcomes, the community, it was really, really, really lovely.

Later on in the evening, it was Rolo last ponder before bed......we only went round the corner really. We were off the lead, and a lady in a hijab, carrying a babe in arms was soon going to see Rolo around the corner and he was off the lead.

Ohhh shit i thought, this lady is going to be proper frightened of a big dog, especially off the lead.

Why should i think that?

Anyhew, so i call Rolo.....he total ignores me, the approaching lady and said baby, him off the lead i would not be able to avoid, so i put my hands up from about 20 feet away, and said with the biggest smile i could muster....

"It's ok......he won;t hurt you. He's an ole fella don't worry"....

The lady in the hijab stopped, stooped down.....petted Rolo.....and then explained that the babe in arms, (her daughter) saw Rolo everyday when i take him out on his walks, and when she sees Rolo, keeps "patting the windows" and shrieking "doooggggiieeee!!"

The little babe in arms....to actually be able to touch Rolo...after seeing him all her tiny young life....a really special moment. They live close by and we will be seeing a lot more of each other.

Damn stereotypes! We all do it.

And then the icing on the cake. I come home, read up on my brothers and sisters, and to see my dear, dear R Lee is such fine fettle, again....connections. It is no secret what i think of him, or what i feel about him. It is no monastic nonsense, it is not fantasy. I fully accept i need to take responsibility for all i am. That includes the good feelings, the feelings i thought i would never have. It is therefore possible to celebrate that in language, and in turns in action.

All of us can attribute our growth to another/others.

I bet you our dearest magical Millie had a science teacher she connected with....and so it is.

I do not wish to embarrass either R Lee or Saint, yet it is perfectly valid to recognise those that mean so very much. One would think after all these years i would get bored of "think through that first drink and keep things simple".....each and every ****ing day i hear it louder and louder, each day it is "new"....and each day i give thanks to my brothers and sisters for that being so.

Ohhhh how i do love those 2 fellows.

It has just gone midday in my dear ole Blighty, Rolo is on top form, he is such a loving fella, the Prime Minister is strutting her stuff in Parliament, the world has gone utterly, totally and fully paid up bonkers......and i feel just fine.

I've have been a bit poorly, yet with age certainly comes wisdom, and one tends to know "what to do" when things are not tickety boo. I feel calm and slightly miffed i'm not well ...agggaiiinnn.....yet my gorgeous Sam will tell you, "it is what it is....get on with it"......how i am grateful for that advice...every...time.

Had some lovely e mails from the folk i am engaging with in the community, the response to the leaflets has been really rather good, and it has enthused all the right people. That is so nice.

So i can't complain. My luck i want to reserve for all those that do not have any.

I have more than enough for everyone.

Have a lucky day my lovelys.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 04-26-2017, 08:28 AM   #5374
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How wonderful Tryn, you sound SO well

And what a lovely image of the lady and baby with Rolo, how sweet. Wish i could pet him too.

You truley are an inspiration Tryn, i love you very much xx
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Unread 04-26-2017, 08:00 PM   #5375
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Awwwww, you know I adore dog stories, so sweet to hear. I can see it now. Hope you feel better soon, wishing, praying and knowing you will....
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Unread 04-27-2017, 03:08 PM   #5376
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I love the story about the baby and Rolo. That is just so sweet.

(And until pretty far into my education, nope, there was not a science teacher I connected to, oddly enough. The ones I had were utterly uninspiring, if not actually discouraging! No, it was a flying fox -- a fruit bat -- at the zoo that made me decide an education in science was worth the pain that calculus was going to cause. Go figure. )

Animals are magic!
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Unread 04-28-2017, 07:45 PM   #5377
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How are you today? and sweet Rolo?
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Unread 04-29-2017, 06:17 AM   #5378
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Thank you my dearest, gifted Alexis and my dearest magical Millie. Dear Millie, of course i should have known.....you inspired yourself!

My dearest sweetest Lost Dog, the ole fella is surely a proper ole fella these days. I was reading about our dear Alexis socks and that he has been poorly although at 22 years ole, that is one old pussy cat.....so dear Rolo is well passed his sell by date and most certainly passed his "best before" date.

He has been me with a year now, and i knew, infact i was quite surprised to find out how old he was, and that his owners were prepared to abandon him after his whole life with them and coming to his sunset.

My plan was not to get too close to him. After losing Larry and not expecting the emotional and spiritual devastation that it caused me, i certainly did not want to go through that all over again so soon. .....Nope......just "look after him and keep him safe and warm". I am experienced enough with dogs to know there are very definitely "2 ways" to care for them. Working dogs who never come in the house, and house dogs if you like.

When you grow up scared, or become scared for whatever reason, 1 of the weird benefits is you become extremely sensitive. It is like you can "see vibes, feelings, auras" almost like words... so easy at times you can read them. That sensitivity is actually a natural tool to keep a young life safe and alive. I have this strange thing about me that when i am in others company, or even when i am not, i just follow the dialogue that i know is in their heads, not what comes out of their mouths.

And so when Rolo's first night was upon us, i did all i could to make him feel welcome. I purposely was not all over him, overly petting him. I chose to pet him with the "tone of my voice" and that he would come to me for petting when he was ready.

The sense i got from him was overwhelming "loss". He stared at the floor almost as if he had been ordered to. Never looking up, his sizeable mane all that was on show as he hung his head. When i was coming up to 12 years old i hung my head for the first time to. It took me 3 decades to lift it up again.

I thought i knew where he was in side himself. I could not be distant. That first night for over an hour, with him in the corner of the room, curled as tight as he could curl himself, i made the house silent, and i sat on the floor next to him, my back against the wall, didn't say a word and did not pet him. After about an hour of that silence and stillness , he lifted his head, and "rolled onto his side"..the first time i saw the size of him and that meant he was now for the first time, choosing to lay on me. He let out the most enormous sigh, and lay his head on my legs and i comforted him for the first time.

He has not left my side since.

What has it taught me?

Don't be frightened to love. However much it may seem frightening to give the most precious things away you have inside you, it is not possible to be tactical with love. I have learnt to live life and accept death. I can not be diplomatic waiting for either.

Consequently our year together has been a joy, refreshing, beautiful, peaceful, sweet and funny. I wonder if his previous owners would have fulfilled that for him this last year?

As for me, this ole fella, i'm getting this weird thing happening at night. Last night the worst ever. I simply do not know how to explain it. JUST as i am dropping off to sleep....ohh i don't know how to explain it. I have enough time for my head to say..."OHH NOOO".....i'll sit up....catch breath....and it will happen again and again...as i drop off. It lasts no more than 2-3 seconds. Last night it was nearly 10 seconds. In those seconds, i do not know where i am , yet i know what is happening. It is terrifying. For all the things that are wrong with me, just give me time before i go.....get "my affairs in order" and whatnot. I fear going "just...like....that". "I saw him last night he was fine!"....type thing. From what i know of my biological family, each and everyone through the generations have gone the same way....just...like....that.

THAT is why i have been touched with luck yet again with dear ole Rolo. What i have described about love, about not having a choice of giving all you have got, so that pertains to yourself.

I believe as a family growing together, we try to be, and give all that we are, and in doing so, hopefully recognise we too are worthy in ourselves. We too can give love, care, compassion and understanding to ourselves. And if time is kind to you and age becomes your friend so you lose fear as an opponent. Even death itself.

The girls are coming over today!! Yay!!! How i can't wait for their energy. They will be here at 5pm, (it's 10am in my dear ole Blighty at the moment), and i am cooking quite the most sumptuous meal. put it this way i shall start cooking at midday, to be ready for 6pm. The ole fella staring through the glass oven door all afternoon. It's his favourite movie so it is. ........

"And tooooddaaayyyyyssss matinee isssssss...... "watching the dinner cook"

So some pottering, some cooking, lots of cleaning, (i have to have mine and Rolo's place tickety boo for the children)....Rolo gets to play his favourite game, "sit on the grandchildren and look daft".....and i...will be in heaven on earth so i will.

None of what i have described today would be possible with a drink. I am grateful for my sobriety today.

Time for Tryn to stop waffling......yet when i write to you all it is like all the hugs i wish i could give, have somewhere to go. Thank you.

Have wonderful, wonderful day.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 04-29-2017, 09:17 AM   #5379
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Yes, when you adore an animal, you have given them the most wonderful gift they can have. Have a lovely time with your girls. As for your thinking of passing away quickly and not being able to choose, we just don't know for sure and if anything happens to you quickly, have a system in place where someone can check on you daily and have notes to care for Rolo. No one likes to talk about it, this is hard to write, very hard, but with just a little planning it can ease your mind. Now,have a fabulous weekend and take care, big hug to you....
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Unread 04-29-2017, 02:37 PM   #5380
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Lovely little letter Tryn, i can just see you sat with Rolo <3 makes my heart swell up.

Hope youre having a lovely time with your girls xx
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Unread 04-29-2017, 04:25 PM   #5381
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Hey Andy!

You write, about Rolo,
Quote:
"I wonder if his previous owners would have fulfilled that for him this last year?"
Although I can't know this with any certainty, my bet? No way.

The person(s) who would give up a family member at the near-end of his life is missing a piece of human compassion. IMO, they're are doubly missing the ability to genuinely love without condition. And Rolo? He loves without condition, as he likely loved those schmucks who gave him away.

And Tryn'? He SO loves you without condition, as you love him. So no, he would not have had this last year, this last magnificent year, being loved so deeply as he has had with you.

Why this happened, I don't know---meaning, why Rolo came to live with you, I don't know. It is, I think, the best thing that could have happened to BOTH of you.

Andy, for what it's worth, I admire the way you have rescued this beautiful creature, this fabulous canine...I admire you for this, without reservation.

I have, as I've mentioned here previously, Sleep Paralysis. Meaning, semi-regularly I am just falling asleep, in that quiet, peaceful twilight prior to falling deeply asleep, when, all of a sudden, I cannot move. I feel as though some person (a demon, in ancient mythology...a succubus) is on top of me, holding me, but not in a good way---and it's really awful. I try to scream, but I cannot. Instead I make, well, some kind of guttural sound. Embarrassing? Ha! Yeah, sorta. Any case, when Mrs. Sam hears this she SHOVES me awake. Pummels me if I don't wake, as I have asked her to do. Then I wake.

Maybe you are experiencing something like this? Or maybe something else. Of course, you should mention this scary thing to your doc.

Anyway, Tryn'!

Later.

Your friend!

sam
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Unread 04-30-2017, 05:45 AM   #5382
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My sweetest dearest Lost Dog, thank you for your courage and thank you for your honesty. I have plans in place for myself should it be my time, yet i did not know what to do for Rolo. You have made me focus and think practically. You are also so right that even embarking on the journey of thought, a relief.

My dearest, gifted Alexis. You're so gentle as a person. You are a beautiful softy at heart so you are. Yes i saw the girls yesterday, as it turned out not for very long. They managed to get a lift over in a friends car, (it is a long, long way on da bus....as the wheels on da bus go round and round...round and round....oh...the wheels on da bus go round and round...round and round... very, verrryyyy slowly in dis city!) The "friend" is the work colleague that appears to have a rather soft spot for me. I thought i would welcome that, yet when it actually is offered as a reality, the truth of the matter my "issues with intimacy" become all too apparent within me. It is not something that either surprises me or i do not expect, however there was no harm being in those circumstances to see if anything thing had changed inside me...ohhh, fear of being touched, fear of intimacy full stop. It confuses me some so it does dear Alexis. I consider myself to be a very loving fellow. Im romantic and old fashioned. (No i do not think a womans place is in the kitchen!) I love talking about it, yet alas for me, it is outside my capability's to do it.

Another issue for me is my health and my sobriety. I am not yet a year sober, not far off, and my health, well it's shit. It is all i can do to manage both. I am happy and sad in equal measures. I have a very lucky life. Our beautiful Rolo, a smashing cosy little home, my freedom and my sobriety. I am building a life with honesty in what my strengths are, and acceptance around what i struggle with. It is so hard sometimes on your own, yet it can be so very hard sometimes in a relationship when you need to spend a deal of time on yourself so you may grow and learn. Tryn has had not so much as a kiss in 2 decades so much are the "shudders" than run deep through my soul when i have tried.

You know?.....when i look back at those men who did what they did to me....all i would really, truly want from them, life in prison?...castration...hang the ****ers?....nah........as long as they KNEW that they took away from what turned out to be a very loving and sensitive man, the reward of goodness, to be loved in return and to share that love.

The well documented struggles of those who have had my journey are NOTHING....****ING NOTHING......compared to be handed a chronic disease of not being able to be loved. THAT....is something that is never mentioned, yet it is the cruellest of fates to be given to those who are still so young.

I have even been accused of "being a tease" on my journey as i come across so "cuddly and feely"...overtly confident and loving with it, always smiling and laughing, so it is a "shock" when i recoil if someone does the same with me. I have had....

"Oh i see.....it's alright for you to love someone but its not ok for someone to love you?"

The problem is.....that is pretty much the long and short of it to be fair.

When i discuss this with my dear Milan, (he was away last Tuesday...can not wait to see him this Tuesday), we always chuck away the frilly stuff around the edges of an issue and get right down to it. So Re intimacy he asks...

"Ok......so you meet a lady, you are both attracted to each other, you have a kiss, what does that feel like?"

"Each time i have had a kiss i have "stopped it"...and said i am sorry"

"And what happens then?"

"Then i am told it is ok, and that the lady wants a kiss"

"And then..."

"I realise i don;'t like it"

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"Do you want to like it?"

"I don;t know. I am frightened that a kiss will lead to something else"

"And if it does, would you like that?"

"No"

"Why?"

"because i can never see that kind of intimacy enjoyable"

"Even with someone you love?"

"ESPECIALLY with someone i love"

So do you see, that a lifetime of addiction and....ooohhh......just a ****ing nightmare is NOTHING, compared to what these men truly, truly take from you.

It is not something that lingers with me, as i shared earlier, in equal measures and to sustain my sobriety i simply had to accept they way things were with me, and not what i wished them to be. For sure i can work towards that, yet here, and now, i am just me, early months sober, so, so, so very lucky to be alive today. My dear Rolo and i soon to potter off for a later than normal Sunday stroll, 9am now in our dear ole Blighty, i hope your day dearest Alexis is going to be as good as mine.

My gorgeous Sam. what a kind and inspirational fellow you are. I have not the slightest doubt that Mrs Sam has had a huge hand to play in that, yet stood on your own dear fellow, inspiration right there.

I agree Re owners. When they wrote to me express their dismay at his name change, which i did not reply to, if i had i would simply have said, "Whoever you are, i feel for you. You are obviously lacking a core part of what being a human being is all about. You have broken the heart of the sweetest most loving of beings on the planet. The reason i changed his name was to give him an identity "of his own"....an identity that is his, and his alone.....and it bloody wells suits him."

The you wrote what you wrote. You took the words right out of my mouth.

I am blessed......and because i am the luckiest man alive i have been blessed again, and again and again. "Rolo being the best thing that could have happened for me?"....You bettcha....i could not have wished, nay dreamt i could be so grateful for anothers dreadful misfortune. Certainly a first for me.

Yes gorgeous Sam, it is a bit like that, yet this seems to be different. To be fair it probably is not, just my perception, yet my lord, it frightens me more than anything. I have the elbow ribs and fingers, (sounds like a takeway) people on the 5th, i will mention it to them to see if they can point me in the right direction within the hospital and see if i can get an appointment with them direct instead of going through the GP. Im on it simply because it frightens me that much. It leaves me in the most bizarre set of circumstances.

I will sit upright in bed, oxygen up me nose, landline phone in my hand....waiting. It's properly horrible so it is.

You know something gorgeous Sam? Your aura, the way you communicate your wisdom means that i could write about my own demise to you so i could and would struggle to do it without a HUGE smile on my face....or put another way.....Tryn is on death row for...ummm...being a nincompoop.....and they open the ole cell door to ask what i want for my last meal, (it won't be elbows, ribs and fingers i can tell you)i request.....

"Can i scrub round the last meal and have a chat to someone instead?"

"Well shhhuurree...yessiree.....who ya gonna call...prisonbusters?"

"Nope i would like to talk to Sam please"

"Okkaayyy....you missing out on chips. No accounting for some people"

Then of course the deadly deed is done and the clammer from the slammer of press wanting to know my last words and with bated breath they wait for the prison spokesman to tell all, and he says...

"My Tryn was pronounced done in...we don't have a precise time because the clocks stopped working, and although he was given the opportunity to say some final words, he appeared to not be able to stop laughing."

You bring joy, compassion and understanding in all its forms. You have the remarkable gift of hitting at times very painful nails on the head.....extremely gently. It is the ultimate gratitude i have among many others towards you. I also love you to pieces.

So my dear ole Blighty has the aesthetics of a bank holiday weekend. There is slumber in the air and this early Sunday morning is lazier than usual. The silence is broken this morning by the odd car going by....instead of the sound of the heavy traffic being broken by the odd bit of silence. I'm a bit wibbly and wobbly this morning, downstairs and breathing, yet as the saying goes my lovelys, "weebles wobble but they don't fall down!" and so it is time to weeble off, and me and the ole fella will wibble away on our walk.

Have a relaxing and gentle day.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 04-30-2017, 10:58 AM   #5383
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well when things of this nature are on your mind, you need to talk about them and whatever your feeling is ok and is never wrong. So I totally understand how you feel with intimacy issues, I'm the same way, and I'm glad that you shared that.
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Unread 04-30-2017, 12:06 PM   #5384
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Tryn, Your health may be an issue but if you had not put a plug in the jug you just might be dead. Stay positive. It is what is is.
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Unread 04-30-2017, 02:27 PM   #5385
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Love you Tryn, thinking of you as i always am xx
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Unread 05-01-2017, 04:45 AM   #5386
Tryntryagain
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dearest sweet Lost Dog, my dearest, gifted Alexis and my dear, dear R Lee. Thank you.

My, my....what a joy it is to always be learning about my brothers and sisters. Dear Lost Dog winning 6-2, 6-3 was it? The girls still got it and with a visit to her sons, look how the tide of our journey changes under its own steam. Our dear Alexis battling her depression with so much strength and positivity, and after the knowing the dearest fellow of them all R Lee for several years now i find out the dear chap has cats and dogs.

You live and learn my friends, you live and learn so you do.

My dear R Lee, had i not put the plug in the jug i WOULD be dead, there is no "might" about it. It has nearly killed me as it is and that is after nearly a year without alcohol. It is an extremely difficult message to communicate to people who struggle with alcohol, (and drugs to an extent), that of course we "all know alcohol doesn't do our bodys much good".....and those with a problem will think..."well i carry on until i just can't do it anymore....then i'll stop"

There is an extension to that last sentence. Yes you will stop, (if you're lucky enough to still be alive) and for some they recover and put it behind them. For alot like me, i stop, expect for it "all to go away"...and then the damage becomes clear in all its glory.

It is why i refer to how lucky i am all the time. I can not tell you the amount of professionals who have told me how "lucky i am to still be here. How many people have injected vodka and orange and lived to tell the tale eh?

My guider my mentor and my everything R Lee, when i came to this family i spent a great deal of my early days trying to show the family why i had to drink. Through sharing, LISTENING and taking responsibility with acceptance, i now share with my adorable family why i chose not to drink. I never....ever thought that would be possible.

The longer i am sober, the more i need this family.

It is important in my opinion for us to share our lives together on our way. We must always remember why we have found each other. For all my letters, for all the ups and downs, the ins and outs of what and who i am, so each letter i write i know i am on the right side of luck to do so. The stats prove the luck.

Drinking at 8, now 51, and coming up to just a year sober. How many drink that much shit and are here to write about it?

So yes my dear, dear R Lee, i more than most, know exactly "it is what it is" and i set out each day to make the most of it. I also know when you say "it's the first drink that will get you", my first drink will kill me.

So luck means being happy with what i have. Being happy "it is what it is", and for me, having become sober among my brothers and sisters, to have used each and every one of you as a springboard to my next day, makes me not only lucky and fortunate, yet incredibly privileged to love such beautiful company.

2 tired boys here today in my dear ole Blighty, a difficult night. Quite day today and then all systems go tomorrow. My dear Milan at 8.30am, and a community meeting about the feedback on the leaflets at 10.30am, so a nice busy morning. I shall make sure as best i can i will be ship shape and bristol fashion so i will.

Whatever you are all doing today, do it well and do it sober.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 05-01-2017, 07:15 AM   #5387
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sorry you had a difficult night Tryn but so pleased you sound positive. Yes relax this bank holiday Monday, and get ready for tomorrow.

Give my love to Rolo! And to you, a humongous cuddle xx
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Unread 05-01-2017, 08:51 AM   #5388
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Every post you write is an ispiration.

You are AMAZING and I admire you more than you can ever know.!

Bacioni (big kisses)
Xxxxxxxxxxx
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Unread 05-02-2017, 07:23 AM   #5389
Tryntryagain
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dearest, gifted Alexis, and my dearest Italiano Soapdish, you are so very kind. It is massively important to always recognise where i have come from Re this family. Those of my brothers and sisters that were here when i joined early doors would probably expect me to tell everyone to "go **** themselves"....not today.

Change.

I have a question.

What is your definition of change?

Not easy to answer that one is it? Yet all and sundry bang on about "change".

Sope, i always stand on my left leg on a Monday, and want to stand on my right instead, when i do....i've changed....right?

When i joined this family, i hated me, i hated you, i hated the very shoes i wore on my feet. I joined because i wanted to "change".

Yup.... yessirreee.......my name is Andy, and i am joining this family because i hate Andy, i want to change to a...ummm...err...Richard....no...David....ermmm, maybe John..........ohhhh i don't know.....we will work out what my "new me" is later eh folks?

So off on my deluded and resentment soaked way i went....i have tried to change.

So what am i calling myself today.......after all these years of change eh?......did i make it to become a Richard, a David or a John?

Nope, knock me down with a feather.....darn!......i accepted i was just Andy. The hardest and most frightening thing i have ever done.

I am now, in hindsight, fortunate that it meant i have lived the lives of many others without recognising my own. My luck fountain, springs from the fact i can now fit in my own skin ........just right.

So for me "change" is not about changing your car, your house, "your life", change is about accepting what is. We think....well we would wouldn't we, that to "change something" it HAS to change.

For sure....yet HOW do we make changes?

Perception.

Once i was a victim. I saw myself as a victim. I was told i was a victim. I fell into that trap. I lived through the experiences, and then fell into the script that the professionals wrote for me. I felt powerless when things happened to me, and i felt powerless when those trying to help would not listen to me. They knew "what was best".....it was not for me, so i went AWOL for 40 years.

Change for me did not mean winning a million pounds, changing my name and living the high life....i found out i was still Andy.

Change simply, (i say simply, only when you have done it does it seem simple), means accepting who, what and how you are.

NONE of us do that with honesty. You want change?...That's what ya gotta do.

Sure you can put down your chocolate bar, your drink, your drugs, still you though.

Which you do you want? The one that always begs for change, or the you.....you have in your pocket?

Change for sure means climbing the tallest mountain, swimming across all the oceans, and swimming with your dolphins, yet that needs to all be done, inside of you.

That is change.

I had a wonderful session with dear Milan this morning, wow...that fellow sure gets about. It means he collects influences, so very current from all over the world and brings them into our work together. I mean?....come on.....you do not get luckier than that....surely?

He is more than aware of this family, and the work that i do with you all. He recognises that i came to join this family in acute addiction, and the love i have for it. He will always ask after you all by name now such is the extent we share the support i get from you all.

I say work....at some point, (it will have involved R Lee, Saint, Carly, Nancy and Jenm) i realised i had to listen. This was not a "game". Sobriety does not come knocking at your door, (and if it did you wouldn't ****ing hear it).....no....you have to go and get it.

Oh yes....i know!....i'm an old fart who has basically nearly drunk himself to death....yet just not quite.....blah, blah, blah.......for the youngsters here, this old fart is the luckiest man alive, and if you do half of what i did, not even a quarter, say goodnight. Don't worry about the lights, the paramedics will switch them off for you.

You know the saying...."i have stared death in the face?"

"death is ****ing sick and tired of my face. Keep wasting deaths time."

It can wait.

NO ONE, is <<<<<<< this lucky.

The real luck is knowing it.

No meeting this morning which i'm a bit disappointed with Re the leaflets and whatnot, yet i am lucky in the respect i have time. The other folk in the residents association all have proper lives and are busy, busy people. I got a txt saying that a few could not attend, (they are the ones you need to speak to) and as we have the steering group meeting tomorrow, i simply can't be bothered to walk for an hour for 20 mins and a cuppa.

The ole fella is being so, so sweet so he is. The minute i think the ole fella is on his way to the big bone factory in the sky, so the dear ole chap finds a spring in his step. I have a strong sense that Rolo recognises i am not tickety boo too, what with the ole health lark, and stays "with it"....just for me. I feel that so strongly. It is why i say we are a team.

So i have the winds taken out of my sails somewhat without the other meeting, yet it has given me the chance to write to you all. How i love you all so.

Magical Millie had Milan "cooing" when she shared that "worry is interest paid on a loan you may never owe"

Do you remember i told you about the wallet and the £200 i found? Grrrrr how i could do with that today. Do you remember what you all told me...Millie?...Lost Dog? about that goodness coming back...that £200 will come to me?

Presumably you meant that a good deed done and all that. That infact the impact on the fellow who got his wallet back would spread about right?

You're darn ****ing right so you are.

I have shared what you have shared to me with Milan. He has taken your goodness to all manner of parts of the world. He has thanked me for all of you and the wisdom and experience you have all shared with me to help me to be in a place in life where it is so very worthwhile.

So for me change has meant, sure looking inside, yet (a weird one)......being honest in how i perceive things. I no longer need to look through alcoholic and drugged crazed eyes.....just my own.

What i see is beautiful.

Change....right there.

I hope you all see inside and outside you today, with eyes that this family has that have looked so deeply into my soul, for that is where suffering lies, and shown me..... my Phoenix out of the flames.

Not Richard, not David and not John.

Just me.

I am so, so grateful to you, and for that.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 05-02-2017, 01:39 PM   #5390
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Tryn, For me change is about changing my behavior, thinking & anything else that is self serving. I do not do it perfectly & when I cross the line I have to put myself in check. Have a great day.
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Unread 05-03-2017, 07:43 AM   #5391
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dear, dear R Lee, when your good self and our dear Saint shared with me, "progress not perfection", when i was listening i wondered what that actually looked like. I have learnt that whether perfection is obtainable or not is to entirely miss the point. I am not looking for perfection, and progress simply means to me "life" and how i chose to make my choices and decisions with what my sobriety provides me with. It is a gratitude that will last for all eternity that Saint and yourself supported me to a place years down the line where i can write this letter to you.

It has been a terribly difficult morning my brothers and sisters so it has. I had been agonising through the night about "how i was going to write it to all and sundry" and so this morning, with a steering group meeting, and a motivational natter to give at the college....i just can't do it.

The night was what i call an "every other night". That means every other hour during the night i am either in bed or in the bathroom. I never get more than 1 hours kip at a time, followed by an hour in bathroom. I fell absolutely dreadful. My abdomen has a deep ache, downstairs is all sore and i am exhausted.

For a while now as i have been going about my business doing my leaflets and whatnot....toddling along to these meetings, 90% of the effort was completely down to health. I may be able to ignore it, yet others are unable to do so quite so quickly. I do ALL i can to counteract that.

For me to pop up to a meeting for an hour or 2, nothing for anyone else, means i have to bathe, and as i dress with clean clothes, (i like to wear a shirt and a tie for meetings), i now have to wear a sorta "pad" as i leak blood that can be extremely embarrassing. The first time i found that out i nearly died of sheer humiliation.

So the time has come this morning to write an e mail with loads of "CC's" to explain i would not be joining the gathering today and why. It will be no problem as in that's the way it goes, however it is a huge blow to my own personal journey. I am about involvement.

Imagine as an analogy, a sportsman/woman, they live and breathe their sport. It is in their soul, it is "what they are". To take away their passion, would leave them with nothing. Re my little stuff in the community....people....lots, and lots of different people. It is where i belong, for me, that is what life is all about.

At this time i can no longer reach people face to face for no other reason than i simply could not walk there and be of any benefit as well.

I have a hospital appointment at 11.40am on Friday. Unfortunately that is just for my bones, and whatnot, (rheumatology?), yet i am sure they will see, and in conjunction of me asking for a referral, should hopefully pay some dividends. I really need to put aside my sheer terror of the NHS and started seeing how my luck is with them. I feel left with no choice now.

So i ring the Drs this morning for an urgent "on the day appointment", it simply means you see any Dr that is available. You need to ring at 8am for that. Try it....see what happens. Unbelievable. I got through at 10am, of course all the appointments had gone and the next bookable appointment was the end of June "when they are released".

Holy shit.

(And they wonder why folk turn up at A+E when they really don't need to. Dearie me)

So i am not quite sure what to do for myself to help myself out at the moment to be fair. I feel quite dreadful, and i feel a bit "cut off". Hopefully on Friday i can muster up some help eh?

Oh gosh....i so wanted to go today. I feel like a swimmer whose life is in the pool, and stands there gazing at it, so wanting to dive in, yet knowing they will never get out. They just know, they can not swim today.

I shall be looking at the clock and each tick i will feel is a missed opportunity. It is such a horrible feeling. I have not withdrawn completely. Our residents association has its own facebook page and its own webpage and i have offered to moderate both of them and signpost questions etc to the correct pathway/people that will help them deal with their issue/query. I just can not physically walk there, and i would need the bathroom on more than 1 occasion during the afternoon, and you have say...oh i dunno... a representative from British Aerospace banging on about what they are going to do with the old Concorde and whatnot, how many jobs it will create and how the locals will benefit, and you have me going...."excuse me....oh i do beg your pardon, excuse me...oh thank you....excuse me...." as i bustle past representatives on the way to the loo, then back....then 20 mins later....."he's off again". Who knows who will be sitting either side of me hearing me wheezing away as they try to hear various presentations......not a good look is it?

**** it.....there are times you just have to hold up your hands for the benefit of others, whatever you may want. Tryn is going as far as Rolo needs to today. I simply can go no further.

My dear, gifted Alexis....do you know about "budgeting loans" from the DWP? No interest and they just take £6 per week out of your benefit. As a single person you are allowed to ask for up to £348. You apply online, couple of weeks later they send you a letter telling you their decision, and that they will be deducting £6 a week from your ESA, you sign the letter, send it back, and when they receive that they pay the money. I am hoping for mine tomorrow as that will pay for the taxi to the hospital and back on Friday. (Good grief it is no more than 7 miles away.....£24...each way. Huh?)

It is what it is hey what?

Boy, have i got the blinding hump.

Joanna it is.

Never forget how lucky i am....and how lucky you are.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 05-03-2017, 08:22 AM   #5392
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Hello Tryn, i hope the piano helped you a little and you are feeling a tad better. please dont worry too much about not making the meeting, there will be plenty more where that came from. You need to concentrate on yourself and getting better.

I hope the appointment on Friday can help and you can get some referals sorted out.

Whats happening with downstairs? Are you in contact with anyone about it anymore??

I worry about you i really do, and just want you to be well.

Sending loads of love and cuddles to you and Rolo xxx
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Unread 05-03-2017, 03:51 PM   #5393
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Oh Tryn, I'm sorry it's so rough for you right now. Can you call them again tomorrow at 8am?

Like Alexis, I worry and want you to feel better.
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Unread 05-04-2017, 01:34 AM   #5394
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Oh I'm so sorry . Please get well. Take your meds and get help soon. Big hug with love.
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Unread 05-04-2017, 05:44 AM   #5395
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you.

How lucky am i to have such beautiful sisters. My dearest, gifted Alexis, Magical Millie and my sweetest dearest Lost Dog. I feel your love and hugs, if only you knew what they meant to me. Thank you.

It is 8.30am in my dear ole Blighty and you all know the saying..."you either laugh or cry?".....my beauty's?......i have the largest smile on my face you ever did see. Our dear Alexis will know exactly what i am talking about.

So no need to ring for the Dr today as i had an out of hours Dr see me during the night. Now this out of hours Dr i have seen before in the middle of the night and this time round the Dr "wanted to know more".

Out of hours Dr's are always snowed under and have only time to "do what needs to be done" before moving onto the next urgent patient ASAP. She did what needed to be done then started asking all sorts of questions about my "care package". Someone in my set of health circumstances would have a "care package" which means a plan is in place to manage my conditions. When i said i did not have one......she stopped "on the spot" putting things back into her bags as if she had miss heard and without looking at me said....

"...i beg your pardon? No i meant have you got a copy of your care plan?"

"As i said...i don't have one"...

She stood up...looked at me....

..."STOP IT!!! You don't have a care plan? Who is your GP?"

"I don't know. I just see any Dr that is available"

"Good God. Do none of the GP's you see mention a care plan?"

"Nope".

She was visibly furious.

The reason being these out of hours Drs deal with emergency's really, a bit like paramedics at all hours of the night. They get the hump when they are called unnecessarily. In her opinion if i had an effective care plan, "these middle of the night calls would stop". She made me utterly aware i was not to blame. With a 38.9 temp it was right to call. (Infection lives with me like a shadow)

The upshot being she is personally going to write to my surgery and see what plans of action can be put in place. That is positive.

My temp has come down, i feel, ummmm...shattered. It has been a stressful time of late so i thought i would have a quiet and pottery morning. It really was a difficult night. I smiled to myself and thought, welp, nowt can go wrong now!

SNAP!!.....and then WOOF....went Rolo as the postie stuck my mail through my hungry letterbox.

Awwwweee....nooooooo, as i read the first letter i opened.

Dearest Alexis?...PIP assessment Next week 12th at 3.30pm.

I let the letter waft to the floor......i said aloud in my strongest East End accent........"you're 'avin' a giggle".......**** me. My head starting to whirl...flooding with thoughts and fear from every angle, (PIP = £319 per month, i have had the equivalent DLA for 20 years). From March 16th this year anxiety and depression are no longer components for financial support. It is split into a "mobility component" and "the rest". It defines NOT how your conditions effect your ability for work, (i have just had one of those) this is about how your conditions effect your daily life and based on the assessment they will determine if you qualify for financial help. It is not means tested, or an "unemployment benefit"...80% of those in receipt of PIP....work.

So why the grin?

It is life my wonderful friends. You know......you can't be me and bang on and on about how lucky i am without understanding that knowing i am lucky is not a "high flutin' notion.....no sirreee....it is real, tangible and it is a tool i have at my disposal.

So when shed loads of things happen to me at once, none of which i want, knowing i am lucky comes into its own.

I could get bogged down with it all. OF COURSE i can do little else than worry as i am human, yet i have an antidote.......feeling lucky. I do not mean i feel "because i am lucky everything will go my way".......i am lucky whether things go my way or not. End of. It means there is a "cap" to how far i allow myself to go because "come on matey....you know you're lucky"....kicks in.

I always go back to the boy....Ooo i suppose i was about 13 and i had not been "inside", (as in being in a house) for well over a year by then. It was like walking into heaven. Everyone around me were so out of it, if you walked in you would have thought most or all were dead such was the shambles of this "house". I can remember thinking what a beautiful place it was....in such a mess. I thought.....

1 day....1 day......if i am lucky i will have a room to live in to.

For alot of my life if i could just find a room to call my own, i would never ask for anything else, and would accept whatever life threw at me.

Here i am. A sober man. I don't have a room, i have a living room, a great big bedroom, a kitchen, a BATHROOM YAYYYYY!!! with a shower and a bath. I have a home.

Why the grin today?.....That's why.

I am as guilty as the next person in life...on ones journey of saying to myself...or out loud, ...

"OMG! If X....or Y....happens to me.....i will lose EVERYTHING"

No...no you won't. It is just what it feels like.

We talk about strength, we all know each of us is strong in oh so very many ways......what i am sharing today is what it looks like.

Luck = accepting ALL luck, good and bad, and knowing we ourselves are the scales in-which our luck sits.... finely balanced.

Strength = believing in that. Blindly if need be. Faith in yourself...right there.

Life is bigger than us, and we are bigger than our worrys and our problems....so we are. Each one of us is a component of life. We are life.

Hospital tomorrow, dear ole Rolo is just my life at the moment. The most precious being on this planet to me. He is so giving, so knowledgeable. His dimensions and senses can read me like a book. He never reads me wrong.....I'll give you an example.

Here i sit facing my rather larger computer screen, on my swivel chair, and when i write to you all, i travel up North in dear ole Blighty, across to Europe to our dearest Soapdish, then i tap dance across America after a stop in Japan for the warmth of Secret Tiger...when i write to you all, i am not where i live. To be able to open your heart, you need to go to where you are opening it.

It is often early doors when i write to you after the ole fella and i have gone for our dawn meander and he will have his treats, sit with me for awhile, and potter for his morning sleep on the bed.

IF....i have written a letter expressing my difficulty's at this time, i often sigh as i write, he is asleep in another room, i will finish, press send, and turn around.

If it has been difficult to write, he is sat there, right behind me, standing to attention staring me with a "you alright mukka?" look. How does he know? Never heard him come in. What a precious, precious ole chap he is indeed.

So....hmmmm.....shed load of shit happening, however, whatever is going on for me, it is still Thursday. Thursday is not going to hang around and wait for me to catch up with it, nope.... it's up to me to join the party that is today.

Have a wonderful, wonderful day my lovelys.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 05-04-2017, 06:50 AM   #5396
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oh mannnn so many contrasting emotions reading your letter!!! Great news regarding the Dr writing to your GP. What will getting a care plan mean?

Shitty news regarding PIP but you seem so relaxed about it, i know you will be ok. They only have to chat to you for 5 minutes to know you need the money.

Love how Rolo takes care of you. Jackson does the same, if i cry, he comes over and licks my nose <3

Thinking of you today xx
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Unread 05-04-2017, 09:50 AM   #5397
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the care plan if would be great! that's all we do here for measurement, they need to start it and follow it and that's the key. I'm still wishing you the best!
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Unread 05-04-2017, 02:46 PM   #5398
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Goodness, Tryn, I echo everything Alexis said. I do hope this doctor can help get a care plan in place for you.

And I hope the PIP assessment works in your favor somehow. I don't know how it works, but I am sending lots of good vibes your way.

Please give Rolo lots of deep skritches for me. Much love to both of you.
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Unread 05-05-2017, 03:08 PM   #5399
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How did the doctors go Tryn? xx
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Unread 05-06-2017, 04:16 PM   #5400
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Good evening everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dearest, gifted Alexis, my sweetest and dearest Lost Dog and Magical Millie, thank you so much.

My dear Alexis, the hospital ended up not happening yesterday, it turned out to be gridlock to get there, and i would not have dealt with the whole shebang within a time frame that i could work with. Not a problem. I will just get another appointment.

I hope everyone is having a grand weekend.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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