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Unread 02-02-2017, 01:24 PM   #5101
Millie
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Oh Tryn, this is just beyond. I am so sorry, and I wish there was something we could do.

Please try everything soapdish suggests, and please do everything you can. You're worth it.

I still love your attitude, and can't say I'd be as together as you are. Please give Rolo a hug for me too.
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Unread 02-02-2017, 06:41 PM   #5102
Tryntryagain
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Good evening everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dear, dear Big Sis Nancy, how you guide us.

It is ever so difficult for me to put into words not "what you have created, empowered and enabled"......yet the amount of individuals who have, are, and will find their own creation called their own life. Whatever it beholds. So if i was ever to be asked to qualify my concept of the Mothership, it would be to point out that the Mothership does not make babys, just people.

This is a question for the family, not Nancy. How do you thank someone for doing that? I should imagine all of us supporting each other into sobriety, sustaining sobriety and being there inbetween the ups and downs on that lifelong journey, that makes us all so very special..... maybe that is thank you.

Dearest Soapdish and my dearest Alexis....it takes a fair ole shout to make me speechless.

Thank you so, so very much. I am so touched that you have spent all that time to check this out. That is guidance, that is love. Thank you for giving it to me. One of the things i so want to impart to so, so many people, is what you have just done for me.

Make choices. The more choices you have, the better chance you have at life. That could be a tarp nicked off a lorry over your back, or dear sisters giving you choices that empower you now to carry the weight on your shoulders. How dear, how compassionate...oh gosh, as tired as i am, share my hug for the both of you. Thank you so much.

My dearest Millie, don't be sorry. Never be sorry. The only being i know that can do "sorry" is the ole fella. Goodness me, what a palava he puts on. He's not the full shilling bless him. In dogs years he is well, .... is it 7 years for each year? Welp 14, x 7....blimey....if he keeps going at this rate he might catch up with my dear R Lee.

Dear Millie, you are of an age when you will remember Frank Zappa. Have you ever heard a song called "valley girl"? My lovely?....you are my "cabin gurl"...oh yes.

You say you wish there was something the family could do? Without this family i would not have lifted my spirits to write to you all tonight. With this family's strength and guidance i am sober tonight and smoke free. Whatever night i now going on to have, i can stay strong because i can share tomorrow.

This family is not my "outlet"....it is my "inlet".

Of course i know i am "out there" with this family thing, yet i am lucky in not growing up with one, so i could...with longevity, "pick n mix"...oh you know, morals...ethics, principles....certainly re-purposing.

As an alcoholic, what that looks like is when the room stops spinning. For me it took a very, very long time. The worst part was when i stopped....life span even faster.

That....and that alone, is why no one can do sobriety on their own. Whatever that looks like to folk.

Support group, forum, site, domain,...sure. And a jolly good thing too. family?

You bettcha. If i had a book i would say, "in my book".

So my dearest Millie, you, and my brothers and sisters here keep me alive so you do. For goodness sake, no more, "wish we could"....you do, do and do again. Each letter, each word....all of them priceless and lifesaving. ......to all of us.

One of the things that i grew to learn myself, was that by sharing my thoughts i was doing what i needed for myself....opening my heart. Writing letters to you means i have nothing to hide. I never had, it is just when fear is breakfast, you think you have to hide.

This family "blew me apart".

Carly, Saint and R Lee, started blowing up the balloon. It grew and grew and boy, did i explode. They knew when i did, what i had within me would see me through. All 3 of them knew exactly what they were doing. BANG!!! I sprinkled down on the right side of luck and landed on the bed of this family.

So tonight in my dear ole Blighty, (a great deal to the love i have been given from you over the last 3 days), i couldn't do another night like this. So Thursday in my dear ole Blighty was always a fav night for me and the great man. There is something called "Question Time" on the beeb, and whatever was going on, we would sit and watch it together and take turns in throwing things including our voices. Wonderful.

Hence i have tried something i like to eat as it is on in an hour, (i really do not think i am going to make it), i had a holed out pineapple with some fish and whatnot in it, some dodgy tea, (i really do not know what it is. macca? makka?) my bath is run......i like it to be really hot, so i take the ole fella out for his last meander which means the bath is just right when we get home. The wind is shuddering my little home so strong is it.

I got a call from a Dr this afternoon that told me what i probably already knew, yet did not know how to do it.

I have 100's of bloody pills. It's silly. Half of them are to placate the other half. They make me feel like shit, and such is my weird resolve, since my sobriety, (actually while using i was the same)......i'll do it myself. I'd rather natural pain if i can handle it, than some weird place where i just want to vomit all the time which i do.

You have just heard what i said to the Dr this afternoon to open the phone call.

She asked me when my last drink was, i sighed and said over 7 months ago, she went quiet. She asked me if i had been taking my meds, i said no, she asked why and i said i have just told you.

"Do you take any?"

"Yes the heart ones"

"pain killers?"

"nope"

"you have..."

"yes..yes"

"You are taking.....", and she went on to put it like "meds" meant "these ones" and "those ones"...like one or the other was a given. I was not being precious, yet not to beat about the bush, i was given various pills because i was so very nauseous, and simply, they not only made it worse, it made my tummy stuff ever so painful. So i then took painkillers that made it worse, the Dr then gave me pills to stop my tummy feeling sick with the meds i was taking, so i stopped.

She has heard me, bless her, has told me through listening and understanding where i am at, and what to take today out of my own array of chemist in my cupboards, which i have. I had the pineapple first though. She was an "out of hours Dr"....yes i know, it means she was not from my surgery, who usually do stuff on the phone if they are honest, anyhew, as grateful as i am for her help today she could not alas make me an appointment. So it's 7.59am tomorrow folks. I shall train Rolo to pick up the phone and put his big paw on it. That will get "through". Goodness.

Wow...the wind is really buffeting. Our dearest Alexis will get this soon. Be careful dear Alexis.

Time to take out this furry mass of nonsense.

Alexis and Soapdish?, thank you for watching my back.

Night night folks, thank you for making me feel better.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-02-2017, 06:58 PM   #5103
lostdog
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Big hug, eat some crackers and take the pain pills, but I think you took them and take them around the clock. You've got to get it under control. I know You'll get better and I wish it soon. Big hug again.
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Unread 02-03-2017, 06:48 AM   #5104
NancyB
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Hi my dear Little Brother, did Rolo get through on the phone?

(((hugs)))

Your Big Sis
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Unread 02-03-2017, 07:02 AM   #5105
Alexis
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Yes Tryn its so windy here. Calmed down a little actually today but last night was crazy.

How you feeling today? Did you call 111? xx
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Unread 02-03-2017, 08:15 AM   #5106
Tryntryagain
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dearest Lost Dog, thank you yet i was a bit confused as the issue was not taking the meds, however my dear Sister i can tell you i feel far better today as i have news.

Yes my dearest Big Sister Nancy and my dearest Alexis, as usual not in the way expected. I did get through and when i asked for an appointment i was told i would be rung back. Oh...ok i thought. I have recently been rung and told that a Dr from my surgery will come out to see me sometime today up until 8pm. THAT my lovely's... is a result, so it is.

Thank you for pushing me forward, for keeping on my case. It works wonders for Tryn.

You know when i shared yesterday that the first thing i am ever asked is "when was your last drink".....gosh it is annoying, fair, yet really annoying. For the Dr to come to my home and see my home, how i cope, how i keep a clean and beautiful colourful house, shared with a beautiful ole fella, then my ridiculously historic record of substance abuse, and you walk into "that fellows home"...you really do not expect to see this.

We know that i keep it this way because this family supports me to keep it this way.

So it is important the Dr see's my environment as i am convinced, the barrier of addiction will melt away, and we can get down to business. I do not think that would be possible in the surgery, they can only know what is on the screen. Consequently i am so very grateful for this. I will of course let you know, when i know.

Everything downstairs is much the same. The weather pretended it was going to be kind, yet it's laughter is evident in the form of rain chasing itself down my windows. The wind now so howling that the dear ole fella sits "like a waiting lion", his body primed, his ears standing to attention and working like moving satellite dishes, as each curtain whoosh, each shuddering of the walls audibly showing what they can do. So i keep having to say ....

"There's NOBODY THERE!....Do you want to go and see for yourself my bibbly bubbly boy?...Come on then".

I do my best to stride purposely to the front door....open it....he sticks his schnozle into the wind like a sailing boat hoping to go somewhere, turns the other way, his coat, so layered it is, changing colours as the wind searches for a way in. I say..."seeeee. no one there". He looks at me as if to say, "cor it's horrible out here. Why did you bring me outside!" and trots back into the house almost knocking me over on the way past.

The cheek of it!.....my dear brothers and sisters, the wonderful, beautiful cheek of it. He is very special.

My dearest Alexis, be safe with this new storm on its way to you.

Ooohh...1 last thing....my dear Lost Dog, when you have calves, calfs? do you give them names?

Have a good end of the working week everyone. You are all in my thoughts.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-03-2017, 10:25 AM   #5107
R. Lee
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You sound good Tryn even with your health issues. Keep it up.
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Unread 02-03-2017, 10:45 AM   #5108
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Thats great Tryn, hope the doctor comes soon for you!! Jealous he/she gets to see your wonderful home and cuddle Rolo!

Let us know! xx
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Unread 02-04-2017, 06:42 AM   #5109
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Did the doctor see you Tryn?

Lovely day in Manchester today, the storms have blown away the cobwebs! x
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Unread 02-04-2017, 03:30 PM   #5110
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I'm ad you are in good spirits. Sorry about the med mix up, I'm getting confused a lot and mixed up. Unfortunately, people always tell me and I doubt anything I do now . But in no way would I mean you, you are always nice to me. I really adore you immensely and this is your thread. Take care today.
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Unread 02-04-2017, 04:21 PM   #5111
Tryntryagain
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Good evening everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dear, dear R Lee, funnily enough i know this fellow who helped me find a way of living life on lifes terms. I wonder who that was?

I do get that, yet i have also learnt through you that i can influence what terms they may be. For sure life will get in the way and have the final say, yet it does not mean i can not keep plugging away.

Imagining the impossible makes things possible my dearest R Lee, and when my health makes me stuck.....and i have to stop.......i know like a stuck clock, i will be in the right place twice a day. If that little sinew holds strength, i will find it.

My dearest Alexis, yes the Dr came out in the end. To be fair i was not quite sure "who needed to see the Dr most" so stressed was she. Rolo and myself provided her an environment where she could calm for a second or 2, have a cuppa and crack on. And so she did.

My current journey is ever so confusing and conflicting and with limited time the primary concerns were what were important. My reluctance to be admitted to the mortua....oooppss sorry hospital, leaves her few choices yet never have i had a Dr that has agreed with me whole heartily and done the best they could. She said....

"right i will prescribe you...blah..."

"Got them"....

"Ok, i shall pre...."

"Got them"....

"Look would it be easier for you to show me what you have got?"

(I couldn't resist......."I thought you would never ask!")

So i opened my "med cupboard" and her words were.....

"Oh my God!".

She spent 20 mins looking, rummaging, and was concerned i now have alternative medicines with prescribed in the same cupboard. Tryn is not the most patient man in the world so i started wondering what she was up to and she came back and told me that unless a medication plan and an explanation to me as to why i have prescribed what i am, the idea that i took things, "as and when" horrified her.

Anyhew the upshot is i am to have a "double appointment" on Monday to give time to re-prescribe, refer, and draw up another plan.

There is my dear Alexis a condition. That i agree to fully engage with the referrals. Now i am a fellow that is stubborn to the core, this pain i will do anything to get rid of now. I thought i was tough and could handle "anything", not this. I have learnt i can handle it "here and now", yet if it lasts, i can't. What it does mean i will not been seen on Monday morning just as an addict.

My dearest Lost Dog, awwww lovely Lost Dog.......i know that! Over my time i have written to someone at their place and called them something completely different! Middles and muddles, toils and troubles, whatnot's and never minds, the sound of the herd during the night.

So my beautys, on a very wet dear ole Blighty night, with a stinky wet Rolo making my foot wet, i wish you all the very best of nights. We are 2 very, very tired boys.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-04-2017, 06:40 PM   #5112
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Hi Tryn,

That is good news about the double appointment on Monday morning.
Best of luck and Try not to be too stubborn!!!

Big hugs
Xxxxx
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Unread 02-04-2017, 07:54 PM   #5113
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stay the course of the treatment plan and I know you will get better, I'm happy that it is getting settled some. Get well soon, please....
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Unread 02-05-2017, 07:58 AM   #5114
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Dear Little Brother, I'm thrilled that your appointment went the way it did; and you have that double appointment tomorrow. Are you writing down everything you want to cover with her? Did you feel well enough for Schmoo to visit? How are you today? All the questions. Feels like the Spanish Inquisition I'm sure...

Hugs across the ocean from your Big Sis
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Unread 02-05-2017, 12:30 PM   #5115
Tryntryagain
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Good afternoon everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Dearest Soapdish, my dearest Lost Dog and my darling Big Sis Nancy, thank you so much for your continued love and support, it really does make me quite the luckiest fellow that ever did live.

My dear Big Sis, i can not tell you how often you read my mind as today i have sat down and written out what i want to discuss with the Dr tomorrow. I really must find a treatment plan as everything is so fragmented and none of my consultants are talking to the other. I am sure with this new found support i will be able to move things forward. This Dr also saw in my house the various correspondence on my computer tale around the Government benefits i currently receive that are now under threat. She communicated to me that it must be causing me a great deal of anxiety which it is, however to hear her say, "you can count on the surgery supporting your claim" i found massively reassuring and something i did not ask for and most certainly was not expecting so that is a massive plus for me.

So today with very threatening weather toying with us in my dear ole Blighty, a months worth of rain expected to fall tomorrow, (no change there then!) and with my session with my dear Milan at 8.30am in the morning, with my family here offering me love and support i could only ever have dreampt of, my dear Rolo just more adorable by the minute of everyday, so that the scales of luck, fortitude and life tip in my favour, so i feel so very grateful for all i am, all i do got, and my health issues are just that.....health issues, not a definition of who or what i am.

I love life, i love living. I love people, yet keep my distance. I like progress and embrace challenging as change to me is an oxygen i seem to need nowadays. The "slings and arrows" we can never tell. The sharp corners and the very long bends on the road we all call our journeys are there to engage with, not to hide from, as we never know, we just never know.

To make my point i shall tell you of a story in the big place of a fireman in South Carolina. He was rushed to a house fire where a pregnant Mother in fire he saved only to deliver her baby as she was in labour. The baby was put up for adoption straight away and he and his wife adopted the baby he delivered... within 48 hours.

So my gorgeous brothers and sisters, for a little baby to be born in a fire, whose Mother was always going to be unable to look after her, was delivered into the hands of a man who saved both, and now he is Daddy to his "little princess", shows you if you needed showing, you never know my lovely's.....you never know.

Hope is without doubt the most powerful drug on earth.

Have a wonderful, hopeful Sunday.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-05-2017, 02:59 PM   #5116
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Good evening Tryn,

Wonderful story about the fireman and baby.
Also about the support from the surgery. I like this doctor. Finally, someone doing their job with some heart and soul.
All the best to you
Xxxooooxxxx
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Unread 02-05-2017, 03:01 PM   #5117
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Good luck at the doctors tomorrow Tryn, please let us know how it goes. Love you millions xx
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Unread 02-06-2017, 05:55 AM   #5118
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Little Brother, good luck today with the doctor. Please let us know what goes on when you can. Have a good Milan session too!!

Hugs to you and Rolo.

Big Sis
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Unread 02-06-2017, 11:14 AM   #5119
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Good luck today Tryn.
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Unread 02-06-2017, 12:20 PM   #5120
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How did it go, wishing you the best!
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Unread 02-07-2017, 04:31 AM   #5121
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Morning Tryn, please let us know how the doctors went, when you can xx
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Unread 02-07-2017, 02:44 PM   #5122
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Hi Little Brother, checking in to see how your appointment went yesterday.

Hugs across the ocean!

Big Sis
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Unread 02-07-2017, 03:11 PM   #5123
Tryntryagain
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Good evening everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Thank you all for your good wishes given with tons of love.

It has been a difficult 24/36 hours, the Dr seen and that could have gone better. Suffice to say tonight i am utterly exhausted, i have the dentist at 9am, followed by a meeting tomorrow afternoon.

All i can share at this time is that today, in my neck of the woods, in has been quite the most beautiful day. It meant me and the ole fella went out when our body enabled that.

There is a "drain cover" lifted up out of the ground in the middle of the waste ground......just the right height for a Tryn to park his backside. I sat with 2 things going together that should not exist in partnership....utter exhaustion with the appropriate amount of sprinkled pain, and the biggest smile you ever did see. That would be <<<< me.

The ole fella....my goodness......trotting around as if he owned the place, his schnozle bringing all he is alive, this bit of rubble that might bring some trubble, that "should not be growing plant" over there....ohhhh.....the puddles!

Gulp...gulp he trys yet with a "short sharp shock" from me of........ LEAVE IT!......and he does.

I just do not have the words for the last 24 hrs or so for myself, suffice to say, the gratitude for what i have grows by the day. My dear ole Rolo, should one find themselves following his wibbling and wobbling bottom as he minces his way forward to the next plant that should not be growing, shows me that we are here today, and as our dear Millie always shares, if we wake up tomorrow morning.....it is going to be a good day.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-07-2017, 03:41 PM   #5124
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Good to hear from you Tryn. Yes its been lovely day here too.

Thinking of you and Rolo and hoping you can give us some more info on the Drs tomorrow. Sleep soundly xx
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Unread 02-08-2017, 01:25 PM   #5125
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Hey Tryn, how are you doing? The sun has set here and the sky is a gorgeous grey colour. But very cold, my feet are frozen!!

Missing reading your letters. Do let us know how you are when you get chance!

Love you xx
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Unread 02-08-2017, 01:41 PM   #5126
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Hi Tryn. I hope everything went well today. Gentle hugs to you and Rolo.
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Unread 02-09-2017, 06:39 AM   #5127
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Hi Little Brother, just checking in to see how you and Rolo are doing.

Thinking of you across the ocean.
(((hugs)))
Big Sis
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Unread 02-09-2017, 04:15 PM   #5128
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Good evening everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Thank you my dearest Alexis, my dearest Millie and my darling Big Sis.

I have een having a tad of a problem with health issues in the last few days yet to be fair i have been "out and about" doing my things, trying to move this health and creation/DWP thing along and i have to say, i seemed to have ignited some fairly powerful fires. I am delighted in just today being asked if it would be "ok" with me to be invited to natter with him, her, the family dog and da fish all at once, and i very strongly feel "the right....the right time".....as it can, and will happen to any of us, is happening for me Re talking to those with the power of influencing, enabling and changing others lives.

For me the most empowering part of this new journey is that those whose job it is to find people like me are aware of some of my health issues. (Not easy to miss some of them) As such they are communicating with me with dignity and making sure my health is taken into consideration. To be frank, it means...well....it can be put away so that we can all get down to business. I am enjoying that freedom and i thank them for giving it to me. I received 3 e mails from 3 totally different people with different job responsibility's, all 3 started with, "my, how you know how to hit the nail on the head", in their own words. I still have so much i have not given. Not because i have not wanted to, yet because either i was in the wrong place at the wrong time, or i was in the wrong place inside myself. It takes alot to communicate to strangers so many passions without displaying anger.... ergo ultimately representing a threat. It has taken me a long, long time to do it, and many, many audiences who have been frightened away, to be here..today.

Now i know what i have to give, i can actually give it. Only sobriety has made that possible for me.

I have just let out a huge sigh as i wondered how to express this.

I feel as if i am in a "race" now with my health and what i need to do, want to do. I feel as if i have been given a brand spanking new set of sails with these new opportunity's i am sharing....the latest sails no less for my little boat called me....and every morning...i set my sails...., and off i go into the winds of the day, and these days i have to turn back. My sails so new, so capable, yet the Captain can not control them as he would wish, as he used to. The physical strength is no longer there. There really is nothing i can do about that anymore.

Hogwash.

All it means is that i am in a place i do not want to be with my health, and my gorgeous Sam is right on my shoulder always sharing that it is what it is, we are where we are, and encourages me on. And so Saint and R Lee have given me the tools to work out how to re-adjust my own sails to the wind that i have at my disposal, and to learn to re-navigate my little boat so it can continue its safe passage on its way through new waters to still destinations unknown.

So each morning now the dear ole fella helps me plot the new course that together we both call our lives.

I am gloriously exhausted, breathtakingly grateful, yet i can not help feeling so very, very sad things happen the way they do. I also can not deny an immense sense of regret to what in gods name i have done to myself. It is not the consequences that hurt so much, it is the time it took. At no point did i think i was "worth it".

That is all i ever needed to do. Nothing else. Thank goodness i know now, i am worthy of food, warmth and sobriety today.

The reason i am the luckiest human bod alive is simply down to an old saying the RAF had with spitfire/fighter pilots in the 2nd world war. Those that survived would tell tales of the most incredible daring in the skys above us. They would share the brilliance and arrogance of the now dead fighter pilots that have since gone down in history, yet with a stark message to the young.

"There are those who were bold, there were those that grew old. No one grew bold and old"

Do you know what?

We all are, and some of us are still doing it. This family proves you can be bold and grow old. It is what makes us so unique. It is what makes us so lucky.

<<<<<<<<enter sage left Rolo....

"What's that you are saying Lass.......i mean Rolo?"........

"someone has fallen down a well?".........

"Oh my goodness.......quick we need to get the only police car in the County on the case. What?....i misunderstood you? .......

OOOOooohhhh i got you now...you are.... well... tired and want to ....fall... down....into bed.....is that right Lass....ummm Rolo?"

He's given up my brothers and sisters, he's orff. Dear ole Blighty is utterly freezing at the moment, and my heating is doing its thang. Rolo, being a fairly large muppet, found the biggest radiator in the house......ah ha!.....it did have, (i stress DID), a stool on which i put my day clothes on infront of it. Well now, i am beavering away in the kitchen making some hot soup.....and i hear....."scrape.....draggggg....scrape....pussssh hh" coming from the bedroom. The ole fella, took it upon himself to move my chair, clothes et al, i'm standing there with my hands on my hips in disbelief, my mouth hanging open like a cave until i uttered the words.......

"Rolo?....errr hello?? Rolo?.....what da **** do you think you doing?"

Totally ignored me, did his "beep...beep......" like a lorry reversing, did his 9 point turn, slumped to the ground right under the radiator.....looked up.......and his face said.....

"What?"

Love him.

2 tired boys, lots of love in our goodnights to you all.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-09-2017, 05:44 PM   #5129
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There you are! Thank you for checking in.

I absolutely love the picture in my head of Rolo dragging the stool. Millie has a little bed on the floor of the kitchen that we always set out in front of the little kitchen table. Well, the table has a heater on the wall next to it. We've never actually *seen* her do it, but somehow, within minutes, the bed is all the way under the table next to the heater. Magic little creatures they are.

I am sorry to hear you're still not feeling better though. It does sound like there's hope though? Are you going to be taken care of?
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Unread 02-09-2017, 05:54 PM   #5130
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Hey Tryn you are right its very cold at the moment. Please make sure you are wrapped up warm when you take Rolo out!

I hope things get better for you soon, you deserve some peace xx
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Unread 02-10-2017, 01:03 PM   #5131
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How are you today Tryn? Any snow there? we got some for about 20 minutes haha xx
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Unread 02-10-2017, 04:03 PM   #5132
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Wishing a warmer warm front to warm your bones and make you feel better.
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Unread 02-11-2017, 08:38 AM   #5133
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My dear Little Brother, I hope that you and Rolo stay warm and safe today. I saw you say in Alexis's thread that it's cold and snowy there for you today. Rest, take it easy. Any updates on your health for us?

Big hugs from your Big Sis.
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Unread 02-11-2017, 06:00 PM   #5134
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Good evening everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dearest Millie, >>>> there you are!! I'm not sure we are talking to be fair. I think i have fallen out with you because i am jealous.

I have managed to steal as much wood from my dear R Lee this winter, (i do it every winter) without being found out...and as yet you have not told me how to "knock a cabin together", in 5....(maybe for Tryn 40)....easy steps. I'm assuming it is because if you relay that info....R Lee might find out?....Very wise.

My dearest Alexis...0-0 away?....would have thought they could/needed to win than one? I do have something i need to share with you tonight dear Alexis......i used to look up to people i could now....not remember their names. If hell froze over, at this time you will not "get" i look up to you. I used to think......"i want to be like that person", you are supporting me, everyday, how to be myself.

My dearest Lost Dog, i just "fly away adore you". When i think of any of my brothers and sisters, the power of this family is how we share such purity, let's put it this way....never have there been so many cards on so many tables. Turn your cards over girl.....we know your hand......it's a full house.

My dearest Big Sis Nancy. My dear ole Blighty has succumbed to a cold that delights in showing off. The only way it can be sure it is doing its thang, is by hearing those that are outside nattering away like hooey....and not being able to say a word. Dear ole Rolo finds a section of grass that has snow. I am doing the Eskimo thing, it is minus silly for us, and i am ...oh so, so worry the ole fella might be, and get cold.

And he does?....

Ooooo yummmmyyy....a really snowy cold place right here....let's turn upside down, roll around like a fruitloop.....i am in a place now with the ole fella where i am questioning if i have ever loved anyone more. I also question my status of being the most stupid being on the planet. (Come on....all of us think we are the daftest fellows and fellownesses that ever lived.......THAT is why we love animals. By a small margin, we are ok!)

I find it difficult to talk about my health. I have been angry throughout my life, oh no....not the sort of anger we all have experienced, consistent life threatening anger. Anger i pushed out as threateningly as i could.

My dear Big Sis, i look in the mirror now, i can handle almost all of it. I can not handle what i have done to myself. I am not only furious, i am crushed sometimes by the illness of "me". Of course Nancy we could spend the rest of time discussing how it came about, that for the journey for this family, the bottom line is, we have to keep....keeping on.....i want to say that again.....when we know we are on the right path, we need to KEEP....keeping on.

All of us are worth it. We have shown that to each other. Lets makes this family mean we all know we are worth it for ourselves.

My health is not good. I am managing and coping. The biggest thing to that steep hill of the anger i have with myself for causing it.

Having said all that, i am in a really good place. The ole fella Rolo is in fine fettle and good shape, i have my fingers in a few pies hoping to empower others and myself.

What do you think that looks like?

>>>>> Question to you all, what would empowerment mean to you?

An answer is not required. Love travels.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-12-2017, 04:33 AM   #5135
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Hi Tryn,

As always thank you for your post with wise words. Yes you certainly do have your fingers in the pie, helping us feel empowered.
I try to forgive myself and let go of the disappointment I feel about my treatment of myself. I hope you too can let go of the anger. Keep climbing the steepest hill, as you say.

Any development on the doctors' support? Did you manage to get all the prescriptions sorted out?

It is a grey, gloomy February day in northern Italy but there's a woodpecker in the garden and the snowdrops are peeping through. Spring will soon be here.

Have a lovely Sunday with Rolo
Xxxxxx
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Unread 02-12-2017, 06:53 AM   #5136
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Tryn, hoping you have a lovely day, on your special sunday. Give Rolo extra cuddled from me xx
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Unread 02-12-2017, 08:52 AM   #5137
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Awww, dearest Soapdish and my dearest Alexis, thank you.

Dear Alexis it really does touch me that you remember the Great Man and how Sundays for me, once unbearable, now time has done her healing, and each Sunday i can not fail to have a warm heart. I miss him, oh how i miss him, yet for me, dear ole Rolo coming into my life, as a very old dog, at the time that dear Larry had left me, is far, far too much of a coincidence. I know the Great Man is with me all the time. Sunday is just the day where i know i can still see into his heart and his compassion. His body is no longer here, his words always so gentle he can longer share, yet his love and his soul surely lives on within me.

Dearest Soapdish, your description of the weather in Northern Italy yesterday is a direct mirror of my dear ole Blightys weather today. It is 11.30am, all my lamps are on as it is dark, dank and grey outside. It is the sort of weather, (oh and Tryn lurves his weather!)....that frankly there is nothing good to say about it, so bleedin' miserable it is.

However, we must not forget, just like us......the weather can have a bad day. The weather can be grumpy, sulky and ...."don't wanna play anyways"....i have to say on this Blighty Sunday morning, the weather sure is not showing her best side and so pop those lamps on, and give her some space. She will be fine tomorrow.

Thank you for asking after my health. It is a very confused picture as to pathways forward. The days of seeing a Dr, talking things through and coming out with a positive outcome have surely gone. So as things stand, yes i have new drugs and a medication plan, old drugs now gone, yet it is all about "referrals".

I am not a good patient, and i tend to "kick off alot" in the hospital environment. Through issues i have around my childhood history, the NHS is simply not able to offer a "person centered needs led approach". About 6 months ago after i had to complain and go through the Care Quality Commission, (CQC) which is the body that deals with patient complaints about the NHS, and my contention was that i needed to be offered anesthetic for a particular procedure as the previous 5 had to be stopped and a surgeon had written in the report that because of my "phobia", (the NHS still can not bring itself to say "sexual abuse" if it involves a man), it would be dangerous to attempt without it. The NHS still would not offer it to me. Hence the complaint.

It was rather surreptitiously suggested to me that if that is what i felt i needed....go private then. Once i caught the whiff that is the way they wanted to deal with this, well.....if there was a roof it mattered not, @cos i hit it.

Sooooo, the upshot of that was i WAS offered it.....i was over the moon. Because i do not have family or friends like that, they even agreed to put me up for the night. Offski i went at 6am in the morning with my little overnight bag, paid for the ole fella to be looked after for a couple of days, and i thought to my little self....after all these months, the pain, the failed ops....it's all going to be over.

I was taken down, loads of folk in theatre, in they popped the needle and i went out like a light.

Next thing i know i am coming round in a "bay". A tiny little room where i had been wheeled into. As i gathered my bearings and then my thoughts, i was in no pain....a smile started first inside me, and then across my face. A nurse brings me a cup of tea with a very strange expression on her face and tells me that i am going to have the surgeon "pop into to see me soon". I just wanted to shake the surgeons hand to be fair.

In walks not the surgeon yet a consultant who goes on to explain that they were not able to remove what they set out to, as because i was unconscious...."they were unable to move me as i was a dead weight, and that made it dangerous so they had to stop".

There was a pause....my tiny little brain whirling round....and i said....

"......Hold on a minute. Without anesthetic it was deemed too dangerous, WITH anesthetic you say it is too dangerous and i am suppose to swallow this pile of bullshit? So a road traffic accident comes in, major operation needed to save said life, and you can't operate because they are a dead weight? I did not come down in the last ****ing shower. I think you're pulling my ****ing chain that's what i think. How about telling me why you didn't do it?"

Of course by now the chap was heading for the doorway as "communication channels" had broken down and he might have felt i was about to rip his ****ing head off. To be fair he was right.

So that was that. I had spent 2 years watching the Great Man die and on 3 separate occasions prevented the NHS actually killing him. EG, he went into "nut shock people have" as he was allergic to penicillin.......had been all his life......and was written on every medical record he had as a huge warning. I just happened to have got to him 30 mins after he was given them. He was already in biiiggggg trouble.....i blew that ward apart getting him the antidotes that were needed, explaining what on earth they had done, and they then saved him. That was 18 months before he actually died. That was what he would, and i would have lost, 18 months if i had not turned up when i did.

Sope, the whole shebang for me added up to, acceptance. Like my alcoholism, fighting and fighting it, that never worked for me. When i accepted i was truly an alcoholic and had a condition, it made the whole thing far, far more manageable. I have given up with the NHS. My broken bones, not a problem. Yet anything else, forget it.

THAT is why i set my sights to other avenues. So i set up this consultation with a quite marvelous alkaline practitioner among other things. It cost me half of my 2 week income, and i was sent alot of information and offered lots of magic potions that i would dearly love to try. A new diet, food i have never heard of, teas with makka....macca? all that sort of thing, i'm loving the idea, ......you know what?....i can't ****ing afford it! For sure i'm sold on the concept, yet i have not got £40 for a thumb size bottle of hemp oil. Or .....honestly it goes on. This is not criticism of the practitioner, yet if you ain't got it, you can't have it.

So as you can see, i'm kinda stuck. My relationship with the NHS is quite dreadful, my Dr's surgery are terrified of me, and i am terrified of them, and my alternative pathways i can't afford.

Hmmmm....what to do, what to do?....Hmmmmm....

Tell you what...you cope, you accept, and my goodness l live here....now....today. I am warm, i have food, i have a plan in place with my debts, i budget to the penny, and i might in the next 3-4 months lose 60% of my income. My health i am really rather adept at coping with, i am forging ahead with life as only this week i have been offered so very much in the line of work. I have been urged to take the opportunity to apply for a job as tutor around communication at a learning institute in the City where i live, and that came out of another little pie i have my finger in which is to incorporate Peer to Peer support within the Community and the DWP structure. I am umming and erring about applying although being encouraged to do so, because of my health. The closing date is the 17th Feb. I shall be having a conversation with the Communitys Officer who put me up for this tomorrow as to personal issues that might be a problem. (A comprehensive criminal record, health...blah, blah)...yet whatever happens tomorrow...and the next day....and the next.....my presence on this planet was to make a difference.

Being both a drug addict and an alcoholic, being properly unwell because of it, because i struggle to breathe at times, because my bones are broken and wonky, because if you met me you would see my scars before you saw me, none of it...not sinew of it defines me.

I am only as happy, sad, angry, calm, peaceful and in turmoil, as i make it. Today. Not yesterday, not tomorrow....today with my wing man.....dear ole Rolo.

I will take my chances with my health and i will cope. The NHS....frankly can go **** themselves and no mistake.

I just want to finish this letter by sharing that i have not seen my dear R Lee around much lately. Sundays are so dreadfully special to me. It is a day i can "re-centre" myself, ground myself. It is the time where i shake off any arrogance i may have collected during the course of my last week, by thinking of the Great Men i have met, and still have in my life. I have also shared that i love my dear R Lee as i loved my Great Man. So today, my dear R Lee is deeply in my thoughts, as i wonder if this Great Man to me now, is in good shape, good health and good heart.

R Lee means absolutely the world to me. I miss him. I miss being guided to think through the first drink. I do hope you are well my dear R Lee.

Sope, me and the ole fella actually are going to go out for a lunchtime meander, and if anyone i can....i'm going to find the weathers light switch. Just imagine........AHHHHHHhhhh...here we go....."click".....and the whole city has bright and beautiful winter weather again.

Yuummmmmyyyy.

Have a splendid and loving Sunday.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-12-2017, 01:11 PM   #5138
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Hey Tryn, of course i remember i love you both and will always remember your special day.

It is BITTERLY cold out there isnt it! colder than its been all winter!

I dont know what to say about your treatment on the NHS it saddens me so much and i wish i could do something. Id like to tell you about my sister if i may?

She is 3 years younger than me, 25 years old. She is an occupational therapist in York hospital. Shes just been on the ward for liver issues, so a lot of alcoholics are on the ward, the majority of them, are dying one lady was admitted there a few months ago, a heavy drinker, very heavy drinker. She had liver disease and was told if she drank again she would probably die.

This lady lived with her bf who was also an alcoholic. Anyway, the doctor said she could be discharged and gave her the warning of drinking again. In comes my sister, who is angry with the doctor, saying if she does go home, she will drink for sure, and then die...but the doctor says, well there are no beds...shes fine now, she can go home.

My sister fought and fought for days, to get this lady into assisted accomodation. Well 3 months down the line, this lady is sober and living in this special accomodation ... my sister saved her life. Im so proud of her.

So, its not all bad, there are good people working in dire conditions. (as you know anyway!!) Lets hope you get one of the good ones helping you soon Tryn, you, more than anyone, deserves that.

And you may tell me you dont deserve it...that you did this to yourself? Well Tryn, you grew up in harsh conditions, you needed 'that' to survive. Its ok. You are here now, you are sober. You are one of the good ones, a great great man. An even better human being. You deserve to be helped and looked after.

Please dont be angry with yourself, let it go, be at peace with your decisions. Nancy and Millie tell me not to feel guilt or regret, im trying hard with that. I hope you can try with me.

I love you to the stars and back xxx
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Unread 02-12-2017, 03:27 PM   #5139
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You are inspiring me each day as you have lots of obstacles and you always have a good attitude, thank you.
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Unread 02-13-2017, 08:11 PM   #5140
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Hugs, Tryn. I wish we could help.
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Unread 02-14-2017, 07:29 AM   #5141
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Hi my Little Brother, just wanted to see how you're doing so far this week so far.

Hugs to you and Rolo.

Your Big Sis
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Unread 02-14-2017, 09:27 AM   #5142
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Good afternoon everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

My dearest Alexis....what a stunning letter. You made me cry. I appreciate what you shared more than you will ever imagine. I am so, so very grateful for your love and your advice. You really are 1 in a million. What a special lady you are.

My dearest Lost Dog, my dearest Millie and my wonderful Big Sis Nancy, thank you for your kind thoughts.

I have had quite the most awful 24 hours so i have. It has been a while since Tryn was involved in a fight, and last night that run ended.

It was very late, and my next door neighbour, the fellow who nearly died after taking crack...well the crashing and banging coming from next door made me worry for his safety. I got up, shut the ole fellow in and popped round to see if he was alright.

Goodness gracious me. He was utterly and totally out of his tiny mind. I could see others in his flat....just as smashed and i asked him what he had taken. In a split second he kicked off at me. He was asking me what business it was of mine, he told me to **** off....which i did. I came back in and went to go back to bed and there was thumping at my door. He was kicking my front door to the extent i thought it was going to come off its hinges.

Tryn has had his fare share of class A drugs, infact he has all this familys share to. Because of this i know that when another is smashed on drugs they are wildly unpredictable. I knew before i opened the door that there would be no reasoning with him. I knew if i opened the door i would have to have to have it out with him. He left me with no choice such was the hammering on my door. I opened it and flew at him. I knocked him to the ground and that was when all his drugged up friends came piling out. It was 5 against 1. My brothers and sisters?.....i did not fair well. Ye Gods, i did not fare well at all. Thankfully other neighbours came to my rescue along with the Police, yet by this time the damage was done.

As you know i am still recovering from broken ribs...busted elbow...blah...blah...blah...suffice to say i am not in great shape today. Not only is my body hurting so much, it has hit my strength, my resolve, my determination, i feel breathtakingly depressed today. If i knew how to give up.....i would. I just do not have the "giving up tool" in my tool shed. I have a really important meeting, (to me) at 9.30am tomorrow. It is 12.40pm in my dear ole Blighty, and such is the extent of my holistic pain, i am already trying to "get it together" for tomorrow. A woman neighbour has given some stuff that ladys put on their face. Foundation?....as i need to cover up bruises and whatnot. I haven't tried it yet as moving is a bit of an issue right now.

My neighbour and his nutted friends were all carted off in riot vans, so thankful that the cop shop is just down the road. Tell you what, the rozzers were amazing. I am not sure how many there were, yet it must have been pretty close to an army. They stood absolutely no nonsense and all the chaps were carted away in quick time. Then all of a sudden....it was so.....soooooo quiet. I really am missing Larry today. I need him today. Tryn is well versed in the art of picking myself up, yet i am really struggling with that today.

I simply can not believe the timing. I have waited and tried for a long time to create a role for myself in the Community. I have attended lots of little community meetings and i have turned heads with my ideas and pathways. It has meant opportunity has come knocking, perhaps the last chance i will get on my journey called my life. The meeting tomorrow morning is just another meeting to everybody else, just another day at work...to me?.....it means absolutely the world. I have been working hard getting together my presentation to give to the "movers and shakers"...those with the ability to authorise change. I know i speak well, i know how to communicate passionately, i know how to motivate and inspire and i have no respect for "job titles", only the people behind them. It is frankly what Tryn is all about. It is the only time on my journey where my scars and my history are on my side. I had my suit dry cleaned....ohhhh...the investment in my little world i have put into this.......and look at the ****ing state of me. I simply can not turn up looking like i have gone 12 rounds with Tyson. To be fair, i am not quite sure what to do.

My plan of action is to take the ole fella out for his walk and play soon, then i will have a long, long soak in the bath. I will work out what damage has been done, how i can hide it, counteract it.....and see where i go from there. I have about 17 hours to turn this around. The meeting is 2 hours, my presentation an hour. Thankfully i do all the work beforehand and take it with me in my head. I do not read from notes, i do not have any "pointy things", i simply stand up....and shoot.

You know?...... being lonely is something that is always in the background for me. Not having a partner, a close friend, yet when i find myself in these circumstances, so loneliness becomes stark, and very, very real.

Anyhew, i have the rozzers kindly coming to see me, rather than me having to go to the station to take a statement. I have no ill feeling towards my neighbour. I was ****ed out of my head once too. My behaviour over many decades invented the word, "reprehensible". I can not judge and i should imagine he will have little recollection of last night. I also feel he will be feeling as bad as me. I have no wish for revenge, however i will give my statement simply as it happened. Joe must learn, there are consequences. If i am asked if i wish to press charges i will say no on 1 condition and that is an order is made for him to attend drug and alcohol counselling for a period of time......Can't say any fairer than that.

I really feel for him. Where he is on his journey, is a terrible, terrible place to be. I believe it is life threatening. I shall communicate that above all else. I have got to get him help. NOW.

So my beautys, it is time for this ill fitting bag of bones to stand up....on.....ohhh.....so very many levels. I do not know how i am going to do this....yet by God and lay me down.....i will.

I always try to show you all how much i love you. Even the person i feel closet to in the who world R Lee feels he does not deserve my love. Gosh that hurt today. He's getting it anyways.

I neeeeeedddddd to tell you all today i love you all. It is the closet i will ever get to a cuddle.

Onwards and upwards....

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to ALL.
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Unread 02-14-2017, 11:43 AM   #5143
lostdog
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Big and bigger and biggest Hugs to you! I just am appalled at your neighbor, he almost died and now he's doing drugs! He better apologize and beg on his feet for forgiveness. Drugs are horrible and I'm so sad for you. Get better soon, you just can't take any beatings and you certainly never deserve this. I am hurting for you.
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Unread 02-14-2017, 11:56 AM   #5144
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Hey Tryn, 4pm here almost. Cold and cloudy now, after a morning of sun.

Hmmmm what a pickle you have. Could you perhaps tell the truth at your meeting? That you were trying to help a lost soul who was on drugs and him and his friends beat you up? It could even then go into your presentation? How people feel the need to be on drugs to escape their reality....reality which is usually caked in poverty, crappy jobs, illness, benefits etc..

Just a thought, i dont know your neighbour so im not sure his circumstances.

I chuckled to myself thinking of you with foundation (sorry) but you are just so wonderful Tryn and its a nice little image.

Oh how i wish i could soothe your bones, put the foundation on for you(!) and generally just take care of you for a few days.

Look after Rolo while you are at your meeting, get you a nice hot dinner ready

But alas, it can not be....just remember, im thinking of you, we all are. We all care deeply for you, we are cuddling you and holding your hand every day.

Keep talking to us!!

Love, and extra love on Valentines Day to you <3 xxx
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Unread 02-14-2017, 12:32 PM   #5145
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Hi my Little Brother. How are you feeling as the day goes on? My god, that's surely frightening what happened to you. What a really nice thing you've done by requesting your neighbor go to drug treatment. I don't know of too many people who would do that and instead would want jail time. Lots of jail time.

I was thinking the same thing as Alexis. Could you somehow work what happened into your presentation? If your presentation is about community - then it appears it might fit in?

I just hope you're well enough to go tomorrow. We love you.

Big cuddles from Big Sis.
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Unread 02-14-2017, 01:06 PM   #5146
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Tryn, I hope you call the police next time rather than going to see what the problem is. Have a good day.
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Unread 02-14-2017, 01:08 PM   #5147
Millie
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Oh oh oh dear...

I hope you're okay. I like Alexis's approach too.

But R.Lee has a good point. Please be careful.
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Unread 02-14-2017, 01:40 PM   #5148
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Hi Andy!

After I allow this new info to settle in a while, after I stop reacting in such a furious, primal manner, I will also, I'm reasonably sure, feel deep pity, genuine sadness and, even, forgiveness for this poor doped-up soul who, along with his band of black-hearted heathen brothers, pummeled you so wickedly.

However.

I do not feel this benevolence yet. Not this minute, no. THIS minute I feel a hot rush of angry, primal vengeance. Yep, primal, ass-kicking vengeance. Those mutha-flukkers! (Apologies, folks.) It's butt kicking time!

I am today, 98.4% of the time, a passive, gentle and instantly forgiving person. I feel kindest toward all people, no matter their space on earth. But man, it's the 1.6% of the other time I have to keep a close clock on.

I can do this now, almost always!

Used to be I could not. Chose not to, that's likely more it. I would have opened your door with a (grim) bright smile on my face...and a weapon in my hand---and then welcomed the bitches to keep knocking.

I say all that in order to (really) say, the Primal Sam wishes YOU had answered your door with a weapon of my choice in your hand. Can't have you being carted off to the Big House. So nothing that goes "boom!" Maybe. But then, Tryn', you already know all about that, tools of the trades, etc.

Truth is, I wish you had done us both a better choice by NOT answering the damn door at all! and called 911 (emergency police services) instead. Then merely waited for the law to come handle those loaded a-holes!

Or, my most favored outcome? Just as you were on the floor, facing those inebriated goons, "Iron Man" would have burst through the window---or wall, he can do either, you know---and simply cleared out the trash in any way he chose. He could have then, just before he flew away, done a little of this, a smidgen of that, mechanical genus that he is, fixed YOU up mechanically so YOU worked just fine, forevermore.

I do go on. Sorry.

Andy, you are not allowed to give up. Despite your darkest hours. For quite some time now (recently) I have been feeling especially blue. Just damned lonely. Sad. Not 24-7, just when no one is looking. I feel so afraid; I am so fearful. I fear for my beautiful family. And the truth is, so it appears, my family is well. It's me with the problem.

I so admire than you are NOT giving up, and your challenges are more...uh, challenging than mine.

Oh, I am now (again) struck by ramble-mania. Apologies, I'll stop.

I admire than you forgive so quickly, and accepted events (destiny?) so completely.

You do have some remaining darkness about you, here and there---yet there is much more of you that lights the way, your own and those you care for. You consist of more light, far more light, than darkness.

You are a man to admire and emulate.

***Alexis idea about simply telling the truth re you physical injuries is aces! She's right though. We don't know how the "crowd" would react. Good I bet. Compassionate.

However. If that's not the case, how about, "Folks, allow me to insist: wear a helmet, always wear a strong helmet, when bicycling in the busy street..." Other words, be creative about what happened. Truer words: make up a lie. Still, I like Alexis version best.

Your friend,

sam
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Unread 02-14-2017, 03:52 PM   #5149
Tryntryagain
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Good evening everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

All of you, as always right on my shoulder. Gorgeous Sam, some of what you shared with me touched me in places i do not get touched. Your clarity, your vision, and your experiences through the prism of emotional anarchy, with only a lonely hand that has nothing else to hold other than your other hand. Yet the fortitude of life is only matched by the people that live it.

As a family we are old, young and everything in between. We are men and women from the other side of the world from each other. Yet our purpose, our collective strengths, empower who we really are.

I used to share with the family that i owed you my life, indeed i do......now i am growing i recognise i also owe you my heart.

And so here we are in my dear ole Blighty sneaking up to 7.30pm. I had my bath, i had a cuppa with the rozzers and it transpires the poor ole fellow next door has a charge sheet that i am "somewhere on it". They shared that they KNEW he was out of his nut, and why, and have assured me that intervention will be an an option for him. He is back in his flat and all is quiet.

Much of the day i have spent trying to reassure my dear ole Rolo. It frightened him beyond belief and the poor ole fella has been wandering around the flat today not able to settle. He looks utterly "lost". I spent 10 months trying to make the ole fella feel safe....and it went out the window in an instance. We are back to square one. The poor ole fella. I promise you, he is in good hands for this.

My lovelys when i wrote this morning, i was really hurting. I was still in a tad of "shock". I was spilling out my feelings in no order. It is why this family empowers me so, i could just ....spill.....spill it all out.

Thank you so much for being here for me.

Tonight we are 2 very tired ole fellas. You're advice Re my meeting tomorrow blew me out of the water.......why?.......both our dear Alexis and our gorgeous Sam provided me with advice i would not have thought of.

My bath revealed that things are not as bad as they feel, (easy recoup time), yet that will not happen tomorrow. I can't hide it, and my dearest Alexis?........this lipstick is quite the wrong colour so it is.

So i am going with my dearest Alexis advice on this one. Gorgeous Sam was a VERY....VERY close 2nd.. , yet when i poured myself through this familys door those years ago, what won out in the end for me, was honesty.

Why not stick to that plan?

Thank you Alexis, thank you so much. It is not "nice", it is breathtakingly, and life enchantingly empowering,....... to have others watching your back in a way only this family does.

Everything is on. Through your love....and then more love, so what i knew i had to do, i now can. I never thought in a place where my scars actually help me....i have the blinding hump that bruises are covering them up. What a ****ing life! How bizarre.

I now no longer care what i look like tomorrow, (within reason) and will don my suit and look as honest as i can. I will indeed tell this little tale as an "add-on" to my presentation to represent and promote what on earth i am talking about.

Of course it is going to be a resounding success, (hey....no one begins the game thinking they are going to lose)...and when i do my "thang", you will all be with me....every second. When i finish, when the meeting is over....i will walk away, and under my breath i will say,

"Thanks my dear Alexis".

So sobriety has helped me today to be real, to deal, and to learn. I did not want a drink today.....i wanted a CIGARETTE!!!!!!!!!!! Boy did i want a ciggy. My dear ole Rolo means that will never, ever be an option. End of. Alcohol?....Don't make me laugh. If i wanted a drink and a ciggy, i would have to disappear over a hill somewhere and find a lonely tree.

For this family, will always, always make me the luckiest fellow alive.

I shall be done by midday and will tell you how the whole caboodle pans out.

Wish me luck.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-14-2017, 04:03 PM   #5150
lostdog
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Poor little Rolo, he wants to defend you. My dogs would act the same as Rolo did. Good ideas, call police, never intervene and use your injuries as a platform tomorrow. I'm so,so sad and sorry that happened.
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