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Unread 05-13-2016, 01:45 PM   #1
Ashamed86
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My names Bill and this is my first post and I have no idea if it's in the right place or not but I'm really struggling and could use some support. I've been an addict for 8 years started with the typical back pain goof to the doctors and starting on oxycodone and quickly went from just a few to around 400 different pills every two weeks. I've been in and out of rehabs and was clean for almost 18 months when I found out my dad was diagnosed with stage four brain cancer and it sent me spiraling downward and now I feel as tho I'm losing control all over again. I finally got a doctors appointment for Monday hoping to get back on suboxone because that helped me for about a year. But then I got a bit over confident I guess and went to detox for the subs too so that is be totally clean. I guess prematurely but I don't know what I expect from this but someone being there for me could mean a lot because this is hidden from my family and friends. My family new I had issues in the past obviously but think everything is ok now and my friends and coworkers have no idea! Or they may know because of how I act but we have never spoken about it. Now I'm just rambling because I have no idea what to say. Thanks in advance
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Unread 05-13-2016, 03:06 PM   #2
NancyB
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Hi Ashamed86, welcome. Sorry to hear about your father.

Do you know if you'll be starting bupe at the doctor's office or if they'll send you home with a prescription? Either way, you might want to read this link about precipitated withdrawals to refresh your memory so you don't start bupe too soon.
http://www.naabt.org/documents/NAABT_PrecipWD.pdf

Will you be going to counseling along with taking the medication? That might be something to think about to help you in your recovery and dealing with anything that you might need help with. This is a good link, it explains the phases of treatment that goes more into why medication is a small part of the overall treatment:
http://www.addictionsurvivors.org/vb...ad.php?t=23809

Sorry for so many questions.

Nancy
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 05-14-2016, 12:21 AM   #3
Iamready61
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Hi Bill! Welcome, thw ppl on this site are wonderful. I am on the west coast and one of the best things is the new support here for me every morning. Please keep us posted, your secret is safe here.
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Unread 05-14-2016, 04:09 PM   #4
Sam Bailey
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Hey Bill,

Welcome to the site.

You wrote,
Quote:
this is hidden from my family and friends...(they) think everything is ok now and my friends and coworkers have no idea! Or they may know because of how I act...
Yeah, I'd bet they DO know. Maybe your family, too---although they're hoping that they're wrong.

It really is all normal and natural the way these things play out...and in all our addicted lives, they usually play out exactly the same.

Fact is, they never really work out.

Keeping secrets from those who love you, I mean. In "Program Speak," "you are only as sick as the secrets you keep." And sounds to me, friend, that you are more than a little under the weather.

But that can change. I promise you.

For many years, I did my damned best to hide my drug use. It rarely worked.....and it about drove me crazy.

Finally, the best thing I did, other than finally stopping using drugs, was to unburdened myself from all this heavy weight. And Dude! You are carrying one flipping heavy load.

A good first place to start is in a Support Group. There are all kinds, For me, AA/NA works the best. In these groups, you are surrounded by men and women who have gone through, or are GOING through, exactly what you're experiencing.

You can talk there, honestly for a change...and these folks listen without judgment. You may have to look around for a Meeting that fits you best, but do take the time to do this.

Through them, you can work out a plan to tell your family. Thing is, as I noted earlier, they already know something is sideways. They may not yet know what, but something's out of balance, and they are certain of that.

Tell us more about yourself. And please, take the time to learn more about the other folks here on the site. In many ways, Bill, they are you.

best,

sam b
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Unread 05-14-2016, 11:38 PM   #5
Ashamed86
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Thank you for responding and seeming to actually care about me. I'm born and raised in Connecticut. I worked as a Marshal at a Courthouse for six years and went to the doctor for back pain. Started with Percocet tens. 60 a week plus 60 Xanax for actually no particular reason. Things quickly escalated and by the end I was getting 240 Percocet thirties every two weeks plus hydromorphone and opanas. I stole things lost relationships and ended up being a horrible person only caring about myself and how I would get more pills. Never really went down the heroin path until this past week. I have been to a few rehab and detox places and after the second rehab went on suboxone. That last for quite a long time with no relapses bu then decided to get off the subs too. After being completely clean for awhile I slipped up and took a subutex that a friend had. I've been slipping further and further since and need help before I lose everything that I have worked hard to start to rebuild. I won't have a job a place to live or anyone at all. I never did heroin at all until this past week and I'm doing right now I hate needles so I've never shot up but it's still horrible and I can't believe I'm doing it. The problem is that I couldn't find suboxone anywhere and needed something.
With my dad being so sick he has completely lost his memory and my mother isn't doing well either because of it all. And I'm over here snorting heroin so I can just feel alright and not withdrawal.
I have done many DBT classes and learned different techniques but I'm still just a mess.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate your just being here to listen and help
Also I don't know if I will get my first dose at the doctors or a take home prescription. If I get it in the office I will definitely shoot right into withdrawals which scares me to but ya sometjing I have to deal with. Until next time...

Bill
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Unread 05-14-2016, 11:48 PM   #6
Ashamed86
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I work at Costco now and have been for about 4 years and do actually like the job. I have two sisters both of which are extremely smart and great people. They are literally the perfect children. That's not jealously it's just the truth they really are which does make me happy because they're doing so well. On the other hand it's been really hard to follow in those types of footsteps.
Two of my very good friends have overdosed and died and I actually personally witnessed my neighbor who was a pretty good friend shoot and kill himself in front of me.
Things just aren't going too well and to try to talk to people that don't understand or haven't been through anything similar makes it very hard for me to open up and have them relate in any way.
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Unread 05-15-2016, 05:58 AM   #7
Sam Bailey
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Hey Ashamed,

You write,
Quote:
Things just aren't going too well and to try to talk to people that don't understand or haven't been through anything similar makes it very hard for me to open up and have them relate in any way.
Exactly my point!! Get yourself to a Support Meeting right away. Not later. Not even soon.

Go today. Go tonight.

These ARE the people, inside these Meeting Halls, that you can talk to. You're carrying a load too heavy for a single person. More important, you don't have to carry it alone, no matter the weight. Let us help you. Let them help you.

Before long, you will find a new CLARITY of mind that you haven't had for a long time. And to think well, a person must be honest with an open, clear thinking mind.

best,

sam
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Unread 05-15-2016, 06:07 AM   #8
NancyB
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Hi Bill, when you made the appointment, if they didn't tell you to arrive in withdrawals, then chances are they'll give a prescription so you can start at home. Instead of addiction counseling, think about looking into regular counseling. You're going through and have been through a lot that going to a regular therapist may be more helpful right now than going to an addiction therapist. Once you start bupe, if you're taking the right dose, you likely will not have cravings or withdrawals. That would be a perfect time to learn how to deal with those stresses which may be triggers after you taper off of bupe.

Just be careful with the heroin. There have been a lot of overdose deaths in Connecticut because of it being cut with fentanyl.

Good luck tomorrow. Keep posting, sometimes just writing things helps.

Nancy
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 05-16-2016, 11:19 PM   #9
Iamready61
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Hi Bill, you have been in my thoughts. I hope you are ok and feel love and support from me. I can't believe the lengths I went to to get pills..7 weeks and two days for me. Please please don't give up, and keep posting... Shel
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Unread 06-12-2016, 08:20 PM   #10
rastan
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Post moved to new thread:
http://www.addictionsurvivors.org/vb...ad.php?t=30408
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Unread 06-14-2016, 08:11 PM   #11
kellyjean2002
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How are you doing?
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Unread 06-15-2016, 05:10 PM   #12
j74
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I'm wonderful ! How ru doing to day?
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