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Unread 02-06-2015, 11:27 AM   #2151
iamtrying
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Tyrn,

Things will be fine, take care of your health, take rest and eat healthy food. Make sure you see doctor often, follow thru with the actions...

You are a very kind and nice person, this is the time you need to focus a little bit on yourself...you will do just fine...Trust in yourself and Trust in God...

Have a good day my friend...keep us posted...
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Unread 02-06-2015, 01:53 PM   #2152
Tryntryagain
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Good evening everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Lost Dog, R Lee, Susie and I Am Trying thank you.

I think tomorrows results will include a diabeties check Susie. If not, i shall ask. Good observation, thank you.

I stray into R Lee's neck of the woods when others show concern for my own well being. I am so grounded in believing whatever my problems i will have brought them upon myself. I have been reached out to in everyway, on so many occassions in my life and i have drunk them all away, i feel as if "i have made my bed and i have to lie in it". I have been warned for so many years. I would not listen. To this day i get the addiction/drinking thing not listening, but eating?? I shall give you an example. Oooo, it was about 4 years ago and i was struggling so with drinking although my work responsibilities meant even the possibility was not an option. And so it went on until my body could take no more. I was malnourished and a "behind the scenes intervention" was put in place meaning that none of my working network would know.

I went along for an assessment to folk i had seen years earlier, .....again. I was now a very busy man, the place aware of what i was doing and i saw 3 people over the course of 3 weeks, 1 was an all round specialist consultant. I had already had some tests and he sat down and spoke to me for an hour. I remind you, this was 4 years ago. He said that i could "forget about alcohol killing me", if i did not eat that would do just fine. I had a course of injections next to my spine, and he specifically told me if i didnt eat i would lose my sight within 5 years. Here i am.

My medical notes are a spillage of nosnsense, addiction, dysfunctional lifestyles causing all manner of injuries. But it is my historic lifetime of addiction that culminated in me specifically asking my Dr to give me an LFT, (liver function test), so that those on my side trying to get to the bottom of this eating issue will KNOW, i am not drinking. It is next to blindingly obvious i am not being taken seriously because of course if i was in active addiction it would explain it. I am not, and i can't explain it. Tomorrow my results will show no use of alcohol and then maybe, they will listen to me.

No, no, i am not thinking this is unfair. Tryn has been offered all there is. It is just that when i was going through these interventions i was a complete emotional mess. It has taken me 2 years here to untangle some of the mess to at least enable sobriety. I have a long way to go.

Anyway, now look......Tryn is just fine and i have some positive natter for you.

So its off to the Dr at 10am, and in my freezer, (12 hour defrost) is the most hugestnesss, handsome and scariest lobster you ever did see in your life! I shall prepare before the doc, and tomorrow afternoon i shall cook the most amazing platter. I have my fingers crossed a daughter and granddaughter will be able to make it round. If not, chores already done, some piano, time to check on my brothers and sisters journeys and give thanks for the blessings that are all around me.

Tonight, going to bed thinking of you all around R Lee's wood burner, my heart smiles. When your heart smiles it means "everything else is working". I knew when i joined Addiction Survivors the criteria was simply the desire to be sober, it turned into my adopted family when the members turned out to be the most wonderful, loving and experienced people i have ever met. I have fallen for you all because i want the journey of sobriety with those that understand the challenges that may come along on my way. For me to listen i need to trust. As soon as i realised that i could trust and have faith in that, i tumbled head over heels, like seeing the prettiest girl for the first time, so was feeling trust for the first time and the hoopla that went on inside me.

I suppose i should say that you are all 1 of my support structures, it is more than that, an integral part of my daily life. Not being able to touch you all with my hand does not mean i cant try to touch you with my words. Perhaps if i lived in the big place, you wouldnt seem all so far away, but words it is to bring us all close from far apart......hence, the usual Tryn waffle.

Thank you so much for your continued love and support, it really does, it means the world to me.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Thank you everyone. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-06-2015, 01:54 PM   #2153
Tryntryagain
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Good evening everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Lost Dog, R Lee, Susie and I Am Trying thank you.

I think tomorrows results will include a diabeties check Susie. If not, i shall ask. Good observation, thank you.

I stray into R Lee's neck of the woods when others show concern for my own well being. I am so grounded in believing whatever my problems i will have brought them upon myself. I have been reached out to in everyway, on so many occassions in my life and i have drunk them all away, i feel as if "i have made my bed and i have to lie in it". I have been warned for so many years. I would not listen. To this day i get the addiction/drinking thing not listening, but eating?? I shall give you an example. Oooo, it was about 4 years ago and i was struggling so with drinking although my work responsibilities meant even the possibility was not an option. And so it went on until my body could take no more. I was malnourished and a "behind the scenes intervention" was put in place meaning that none of my working network would know.

I went along for an assessment to folk i had seen years earlier, .....again. I was now a very busy man, the place aware of what i was doing and i saw 3 people over the course of 3 weeks, 1 was an all round specialist consultant. I had already had some tests and he sat down and spoke to me for an hour. I remind you, this was 4 years ago. He said that i could "forget about alcohol killing me", if i did not eat that would do just fine. I had a course of injections next to my spine, and he specifically told me if i didnt eat i would lose my sight within 5 years. Here i am.

My medical notes are a spillage of nosnsense, addiction, dysfunctional lifestyles causing all manner of injuries. But it is my historic lifetime of addiction that culminated in me specifically asking my Dr to give me an LFT, (liver function test), so that those on my side trying to get to the bottom of this eating issue will KNOW, i am not drinking. It is next to blindingly obvious i am not being taken seriously because of course if i was in active addiction it would explain it. I am not, and i can't explain it. Tomorrow my results will show no use of alcohol and then maybe, they will listen to me.

No, no, i am not thinking this is unfair. Tryn has been offered all there is. It is just that when i was going through these interventions i was a complete emotional mess. It has taken me 2 years here to untangle some of the mess to at least enable sobriety. I have a long way to go.

Anyway, now look......Tryn is just fine and i have some positive natter for you.

So its off to the Dr at 10am, and in my freezer, (12 hour defrost) is the most hugestnesss, handsome and scariest lobster you ever did see in your life! I shall prepare before the doc, and tomorrow afternoon i shall cook the most amazing platter. I have my fingers crossed a daughter and granddaughter will be able to make it round. If not, chores already done, some piano, time to check on my brothers and sisters journeys and give thanks for the blessings that are all around me.

Tonight, going to bed thinking of you all around R Lee's wood burner, my heart smiles. When your heart smiles it means "everything else is working". I knew when i joined Addiction Survivors the criteria was simply the desire to be sober, it turned into my adopted family when the members turned out to be the most wonderful, loving and experienced people i have ever met. I have fallen for you all because i want the journey of sobriety with those that understand the challenges that may come along on my way. For me to listen i need to trust. As soon as i realised that i could trust and have faith in that, i tumbled head over heels, like seeing the prettiest girl for the first time, so was feeling trust for the first time and the hoopla that went on inside me.

I suppose i should say that you are all 1 of my support structures, it is more than that, an integral part of my daily life. Not being able to touch you all with my hand does not mean i cant try to touch you with my words. Perhaps if i lived in the big place, you wouldnt seem all so far away, but words it is to bring us all close from far apart......hence, the usual Tryn waffle.

Thank you so much for your continued love and support, it really does, it means the world to me.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Thank you everyone. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-06-2015, 01:56 PM   #2154
Tryntryagain
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(I do beg your pardon. I had a problem sending)

Loveness to you all.
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Unread 02-06-2015, 04:23 PM   #2155
R. Lee
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Tryn, There is no doubt that our drinking has had a affect on our health. Certain health problems can reverse themselves after a period of time. Some can not. I believe that a positive outlook helps a great deal. Look on the positive side. You have put the bottle down, something you could never do. Give your body a chance to show you what it can do IF YOU TREAT IT PROPERLY NOW. Try eating properly & getting the proper rest.

All of us around the wood burner sounds great.

Hugs!!
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Unread 02-06-2015, 06:38 PM   #2156
jenm
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Oh my word Tryn. You can say in lots of eloquent words what I can say in a few.

Praise God that you are dealing with the medical issues. I am experiencing some things that I need to have checked out, but I don't want to hear bad news. I am fine - right?

Your entire journey has been so inspiring. You have taught me so much. Let your piano talk - I need to hear something and I am not sure what! Chop Sticks? I can play that!! Love, Jenm
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Unread 02-06-2015, 07:01 PM   #2157
gmasusie
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Dearest Tryn,

I don't know if you remember that I had a double bypass cardiac surgery 2 years ago next week...a direct result of drinking and ignoring my health. I am now struggling with back problems...old age. Oh, well. If it's not one thing, it's another. I never promised you a rose garden.

I am grateful I can still go tutor and banter with the kids. I do feel 10+ years younger now. It is 65 degrees F here for the next few days. Even though I know it is a false spring, I will enjoy walking the dogs to soak up a few rays and strengthen those back muscles.

Jenm, let us know how you and yours are getting on. Tell Nan hello.

Keep us informed, Tryn.

Love, Susie
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Unread 02-06-2015, 11:42 PM   #2158
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Tryn I am grateful for you and your sobriety. Thank you for taking a chance on yourself. Good luck at the Dr's.

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Unread 02-07-2015, 01:06 AM   #2159
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Saint,

Well said! I hadn't thought about it from that angle, but I am grateful for Tryn's sobriety, too, not just for him, but for me! How boring sobriety would be without him!

Love to you both. Susie
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Unread 02-07-2015, 09:12 AM   #2160
Tryntryagain
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Good afternoon everyone. Bright blessings to you.

R Lee, dear Jenm, Lost Dog, Saint and Susie, yet again what comforting and encouraging posts. I am so lucky! Thank you all.

My goodness me, today certainly seems colder than all the others. It is absolutely bitter out there today. Thank goodness i am now back at home after my visit to the Drs and finishing my weekend chores out and about.

I have had my results, and as in Alice in Wonderland it gets "curiouser and curiouser". At A+E the words that were used to me were, "your white blood count is almost non existant....you need to get to your dr asap. Ok.....had it done again and this morning my GP had both the results from the hospital and the ones done last week. We have not the faintest idea why i was told that as the average reading is between 4-11, in the hospital mine was 13.7 and last week touching 18. So, far from it being "non existant" it is far too high. I was told this means my body is constantly fighting off infection which accounts for alot of the exhaustion i am feeling. As yet we do not have a clue what the infection is as i am not presenting with any symptoms of infection. I have swelling in my joints and i am being sent to a arthiritus rheumatoid folk, along with my dietician and cardiology. I am going up to London in 10 days to see a specialist as i have acknowleged that past events still haunt me to an extent it still effects my behaviours detrementally. There is no earthly reason physically why i am not eating, and as my moods swing expedentially daily and that i can get so terribly upset very quickly most definately something that needs addressing. As R Lee says, time to treat it properly now. (I listen to every word you all share with me).

My Vit D is through the floor, again "here we go....i must be drinking"....i was about to launch into a defence of my sobriety, when my Dr literally reached out and stopped me, paused and said, "i believe you Tryn". Your LFT's are spot on, and we have seen you regularly over the recent weeks and you have always presented yourself, clean and well kempt, coherent and not smelling of alcohol. (One needs to remember they saw me whilst i was in active addiction) Do you know what?....i nearly cried. What a relief. I know you all understand.

So the pathway forward is cardiology to look into my dodgy ticker, (english slang for heart), a dietician to empower me to eat the right foods when i eat, and a specialist psychiatrist, (arranged for by a couple whom i am close to) to explore ways forwards to enable me to manage memories that still feel as if they are just about to happen.

I used to play rugby. Over in Blghty the "6 Nations" tournament has started between 6 Nations for the cup. Imagine if you will, being thrown the ball.....and you can see the line. Infront of you 4 thumpingly huge men waiting to flatten you. You jink....you weave....you duck and dive and you think you are free for the line now.........as your heart leaps as you know "you are just about to make it", arms grab you around your waist and shoulders pulling you back, you muster all your strength.....not far to go....nearly there.

For me the arms around my waist and shoulders are these ******* memories/images/sounds and smells, just like a rugby opposition, they just will not leave me alone. It is why i make absolutely sure i know what i am doing every minute of the day. My mind can not afford space.

My heart has never had any problem making the right decisions, my brain always gets in the way. A once Mentor i adored would say, "My friend, your brain is rarely your friend", how right he was.

I am not being hard on myself for now. It has been such an incredibly emotional journey of late and i feel in a very real sense i have lost something so very beautiful in my life. Like those that tend flowers mourn the loss of a rose. Something quite brilliant and unique, something that brought peace and calm to troubled waters, an entity and spirit i shall always been looking for throughout the rest of my voyage in this world.

The rest of the day looks good. Quite how i am going to boil this lobster......its huge!! If my landlord found out about it he would charge another rent! So me and the lobster will sit down and find a solution. Before my anxiety and me went to bed hand in hand last night, i switched the lights off and on walking past the piano i gave it a "quick burst". My fingers came alive and i went to bed last night with my fingers sulking, promising them i would let them play today. And so it will be.

Once again i am sorry for "going on". I have sort of lost my unit Sargeant whch means to me i have lost the most important place for my voice to go. I've no one to talk to now. Example?........10 people get on bus. Front of bus says where it is going. After 10 minutes strangers look nervously around at each other, me included. "Where is this bus going??". I walk up to the driver and enquire if he realises that he is at work in the office that being a bus, and it really was the done thing to take the fee paying passengers to the destination written on the front of the bus. The incredulous bus driver stated where he was going, and infact WE had all got it wrong. With the threat of immediate civil disobedience he pulled the bus over, got out and looked at the front. He got back on, said that he had "forgotten to change the ""bit"" at the front", i pointed out that infact the "bit" that he was refering too was infact dreadfully important to all and sundry. He then ordered us all off the bus to cross over the road and go back. @@No, no, no, no, no, no my dear friend. YOU will turn this bus around and take us back". He refused and i staged a mutiny on the bus. The driver said he wouldnt budge until we got off, we wouldnt budge until he took it back.

The rozzers, (police) turned up and after the bus driver singled me out as the "ring leader" i was beckoned off the bus. I refused. Eventually i lay down on my back between the seats to make it almost impossible to arrest me without cutting that part of the bus away, not to mention the other passagers now coming to my aid by surrounding the seats around me. Soo, the rozzers got another bus that turned up, and guess what?......we didnt want that bus....we wanted THIS bus. The orginal bus driver then changed with the other to a chorus of BOOOOOSSSSSS!!!!, the rozzers asked everyone "Are you happy now?", at what point a passenger said the inglorious words, "NO!! I want my money back"

That is a whole other post!

Now, who else can i tell that i was a mutineer on a bus too?

Life is never dull my friends.

Have a relaxing day.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-07-2015, 01:53 PM   #2161
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Oh, Tryn. I laughed until I cried! I made my husband come into my study to hear the story of the mutiny. In America, you would have been surrounded by the SWAT team and hauled off to jail! (And if you were black, you would probably be dead!) Only in England could this story have taken place.

Dear Tryn, our lives are never dull with you around!

I am drooling over your lobster. We in the desert have little opportunity to enjoy the succulent delights of seafood. Think of us with pity!

Love, Susie
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Unread 02-07-2015, 06:28 PM   #2162
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I am laughing because I have this mental image of what this all looked like!

I am not a seafood person, so you may have it all Tryn. I won't eat lobster because it has weird claw looking hands and I don't like shrimp (I tried it once) and I don't like other things because they have weird looking bones in them. I really am not a picky eater, I just shouldn't probably go to a seafood restaurant. Love, Jenm
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Unread 02-09-2015, 02:51 PM   #2163
Tryntryagain
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Good evening everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Susie and dear Jenm, i gave you a "brief summary!".

My ultimate upbringing was led by "trouble". As long as i can remember always in "trouble".

What does trouble look like?

6 years old....dont touch. 7 years old dont speak. 8 year old dont touch or speak. and so it goes on to my journey of "what are you made of". I am not sure to this day. But i was in circumstances with no dictation, no guidance and trouble meant not doing something.

So you are say 11/12, and you have to make a moral judgement. You do, where does that come from? Why not fall in with the crowd around you?...What stops you?

When you step in and make space, why do you do that? If everything around you says "take", why do you just want to give?

Attracting trouble, that is what that is. Bring it on.

How can you tell i have just got back from the city on a bus???

This morning i woke to "crunching" that was also "shushhhed". Folk were walking across the grass that was cripsy for breakfast. Uncollected diamonds dripping off every blade of grass. It was utterly freezing. So i went about my journey, the sun just putting its own gloves on, and i was on a bus on the M4 into my city, and i can see towering bridges to my left, draped in a mist and fog, much like silk over furniture. It was truly beautiful.

So armed with my love of life, forging on becomes a pleasure.

If i actually ate something, just think how things could be.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-09-2015, 05:07 PM   #2164
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Tryn, Are you eating a proper diet? Are you eating anything at all?
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Unread 02-09-2015, 08:14 PM   #2165
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Ask Doc about protein shakes to kick start the appetite?
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Unread 02-10-2015, 11:33 AM   #2166
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Is London your city? I'm trying to picture it as you describe it.
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Unread 02-10-2015, 02:03 PM   #2167
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It sounds Tryn that your childhood was very difficult to say the least. I'm not sure of all the things you are describing, but if you say you had no guidance, I am here to say that you've come so far. Have you received counseling for things that are very traumatic. You may have stated this before, but I'm not sure of the counseling part.
I hope you enjoyed the lobster, I love seafood, too. and those protein drinks like Susie said are good. Some taste icky, but get the good ones and enjoy. Think of us caring for you as you care for yourself.
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Unread 02-10-2015, 04:15 PM   #2168
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Good evening everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

R Lee, Susie and Lost Dog, thank you.

Goodness me i believe there is frost on my very bones!! I have just got back from the city, i am frozen solid!

R Lee, not alot. Susie i have fortisip 3 times a day, a prescribed build up drink. I grew up in London and i now live down the road in the City of Bristol. I "swapped" a 5 bedroomed council house in the East End of London for a 5 bedroomed here in Bristol. I thought my children would get a better shout here. I have been proved to be right to some acceptable extent. 5 working children, 1 in prison, HE, will eventually become the most "succesful of all". Trust me. I left their family home many years ago and have lived on my own since albeit daily contact with the little blighters. (1 of my daughters birthday yesterday, she was 32). None of these children are my biological children. 4 girls, 2 boys. I met them in crisis is the East end decades ago. I literally picked them up, put them all in my car and drove them back to my home. After being arrested for kidnap, here we are. The mother found 5 different fathers for the 6 of them, so they are "kinda different from each other", angry, but i gave enough of resilience, and a work ethic not just to make money, but to make something out of themselves. I adore them so much like my own. I can not expect to hold their love as their Fathers, but my God, i will give them my fingernails if they need them. They love me for that.

Lost Dog, yup my childhood was something out of books. When i was 6-11 i was playing concert grand pianos in my home, i was speaking and writing Latin, french, Italian, and being required to sing in the choir.......anyone remember having to pump the organ??....At 12 i was sat on a pavement in the middle of London with not the faintest clue. At 13 i was injecting amphetamines. I am convinced this is why this 49 year old man can not eat. I lived off stolen milk. If i told you my class A voyages you would think i was a ghost and not real. Until i was in my mid 20's did i know what day of the week it was. When i did, hindsight hit me like a brick. It was then i really lost the plot. I had reached a time where i looked at what had happened, and started to remember. Alcohol sidled up to me, and with a sexy, "well hello there".....near as damn it killed me. Even now i chose not to, its sickeness previals. So i went on this long and boring journey of disappearing as far up my own arse as i could get. I think, ummm, lets think, i am 49 next month, so for 30 years i was firmly "wedged".

I worked hard through it and enable so very many. I did so, not because i have a wand, but i could relate so well, and with a bit of Latin thrown in. None of you will ever truly know how lucky i am.

So, it is so very difficult to empower others if you are that far up your own arse. Lost Dog, yup, my journey growing up was shit. Thank Goodness, Thank this family, thank my children and friends, my work, that i realise i am one of the very, very, very lucky ones.

And so it is. Larry is now somewhere where he communicates with me in a different way, and at 8.30am this morning i got a wonderful call. It was from my COTA employer. We are also friends.

What do you think she dared to say?

We want you to pop over to Europe and stand on a platform and do your stuff, but you've "got to pull yourself together".

Well of course "off i went" do what?..to cut a long story short it boiled down to R Lee. You see i think if you got a good front, if you do what you are asked to do, it is no ones business what is "going on for you". I so dont like it. So much so i will lash out at it. I pride myself in presenting myself as i am supposed to be, any concern for whence that comes from i do not trust for a minute. Yet i empower others to trust others.

My "employer", infact the project i am asked to be involved with you can "U Tube", but i do not think this is an appropriate place for that, suffice to say she had the tumerity to say that now Larry has gone, i need to learn how to be "vulnerable", how i need to learn how to accept love and support. She told me that those that give as i do, do so because what we give we really want for ourselves but do not know how to ask for it, so we give of ourselves expedentially. That i now had a window/opportunity to reflect amd move forward with them.

My brothers and sisters?, i need some help. I have a dream future. I have been told many times, if you carry on drinking.....but to be told...."Tryn, if you cant sort this eating thing out you will lose this chance....", (i have until april), just like alcohol, i have to admit and go through the whole thing again.

My future, this morning was made secure. All i have to do is eat. I can not, for a month of sundays i can not believe this. I do not know what to do!!!! I will pay for a whole flight of you to come and kick my butt......i can not believe what....and how i was offered a future this morning.

"Tryn, we have to know when you are on a platform giving it large you are not going to keel over". It is now widely know i am not drinking but my non eating has almost replaced it entirely.

She told me that i had "already paid the price" for past events for me. Did i not deserve a chance made by myself?

Bless. I need this job. If i eat, i get it.

I am so sorry for being "all over the place tonight", i'm excited and frightened. This is what that looks like to Tryn.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-10-2015, 04:52 PM   #2169
lostdog
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Can you get something to stimulate your appetite. I have a relative with Alzheimer's and he quit eating also and his MRI showed some issues with the brain on prompting him to be hungry, etc. He got a pill and it seemed to help.J
I have the opposite problem, I'm a pig and eat too much. Start with the drinks and sip and it will follow. You could walk each day and stimulate your appetite, too. You can do it and you deserve the job.
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Unread 02-10-2015, 08:36 PM   #2170
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Good evening everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Thank you Lost Dog. I have something to share with you all. Please bear with me.

I am your dog. I have something i'd like to whisper in your ear.
I know you humans lead busy lives. Some have to work, some have children to raise. It always seems you are running here and there, often much too fast, often never noticing the truly grand things in life.

Look down at me now, while you sit there at your computer. See the way my dark brown eyes look at yours? They are slighty cloudy now, that comes with age. The grey hairs are beginning to ring my soft muzzle. You smile at me: i see love in your eyes. What do you see in mmine? Do you see a spirit? A soul inside, who loves you more than no other could in the world? A spirit that would forgive all trespasses of prior wrong doing for just a simple moment of your time. That is all i ask. To slow down, even for a for a few minutes, to be with me.

So many times you have been saddened by words read on that screen, of other of my kind, passing. Sometimes we die young, and oh so quickly, sometimes so sudddenly it wrenches your heart out of your throat. Sometimes, we age so slowly before your eyes that you may not even seem to know until the very end, when we look at you with grizzled muzzles and cataract coloured eyes. Still the love is always there, even when we must take that long sleep, to run free in a distant land. I may not be here tomorrow, i may not be here next week. Someday you will shed water from your eyes that humans have when deep grief fills their souls, and you will be angry with yourself that you did not have "one more day with me".

Because i love you so, your sorrow touches my spirit and grieves me. We have, now, together. So come, sit down next to me on the floor, and look deep into my eyes. What do you see? If you look hard and deep enough, we will talk, you and i, heart to heart. Come to me not as "alpha" or as "trainer" or even "mom or dad". Come to me as a living soul and stoke my fur and let us look deep into each others eyes, and talk. I may tell you of the fun of chasing a tennins ball, or i may tell you something profound about myself, or even life in general.

You decided to have me in your life because you wanted a soul to share such things with, someone very different from you. And, here i am, i am a dog, but i am alive. I feel emotion, i feel physical senses, i can revel in the differences or our spirits and souls.

I do not think of you as a "dog on two feet" - i know what you are. You are human, in all your quirkiness, and i love you still.

Now, come sit with me, on the floor. Enter my world and let time slow down if only for 15 minutes. Look deep into my eyes and whisper to my ears. Speak with yout heart, with your joy and i will know your true self.

We may not have tomorrow, and life is oh so very short.

Love, your Dog.

Sleep tight all.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-11-2015, 01:27 PM   #2171
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Tryn,

I wish I could hug you and rub your neck under your chin, and stroke your head and back. What a wonderful metaphor.

I know you are hurting, physically and emotionally. Don't check out on us yet. There are many more sunrises and people to love. Unfortunately, you have to suffer the hurt to get through it.

What's the latest report on your health? We love you, Tryn. Stay with us.

Susie
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Unread 02-11-2015, 03:30 PM   #2172
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I cried that was beautiful! I spend about two hours a day loving on my sweet energetic dog. All the ones before her passed and I treasure her. Thank you for sharing that.
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Unread 02-11-2015, 08:41 PM   #2173
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Hi Tyrn,

Good writing...we are all dogs in our own way...

Hope you are doing well...keep us posted...

Have a great evening/day....
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Unread 02-12-2015, 12:43 AM   #2174
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So much to gain Tryn... The possibilities are endless and the solution so easy, to just eat. Ahh but if it was so easy you would be eating now wouldn't you.

You are worth it Tryn.

Saint
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Unread 02-12-2015, 11:12 AM   #2175
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Good afternoon everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

What lovely messages. Susie, Lost Dog, I Am Trying and Saint, thank you all so much.

It really is turning out to be a really rather splendid afternoon here in Blighty. The morning was overcast, chilly and ever so dull and grey. As the clock slipped past 1pm, the clouds were chased away by the last of todays wind, and it is bright, calm and with a stillness only nature can provide.

Yesterday morning i had a long conversation with a prospective boss, (also a friend). I am very much needed in their opinion to work for them in the coming months. The gig focuses on my strengths. The organisation is looking for streams of funding from not only Blighty but the EU as well. They are busying themselves promoting their remit and over the next 12 months i am being asked to "stand on stage and give it large!". What that means is they want me to go around Blighty and Europe talking to interested parties and audiences to "sell" what they are offering. Smashing.

The real reason for the call, perfectly validly was around my health. It is no secret that i have become increasingly unwell in the last 6 months with my eating problem. I am addressing it, and as i write i had not long had some sushi for lunch. Frankly i was asked if i thought i was "up for this role", bearing in mind it will not start until April. My boss is in America all March and on return will look to me in the hope i shall be ready. I shall be staying in weekly contact with them to update them on my progress hopefully culminating in full steam ahead in April. It most certainly gives me a tangible and real pathway forward for my working future. Tryn is not a fellow that can sit still, i always have to be involved.

So with courage in my heart, keeping things simple a day at a time, i am sure Tryn can make his way.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-12-2015, 11:32 AM   #2176
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Hey you heeded my advice and ate some sushi, yummy. You're staying busy and that is so good, the drive to keep going will make you better. Keep at it, your present moment is nice because you have so many who care for you, so your next day will be great. Just remember that everyday.
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Unread 02-12-2015, 12:17 PM   #2177
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What a lovely message. That felt like a great big hug. Thank you.

Loveness to you Lost Dog.
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Unread 02-14-2015, 01:20 AM   #2178
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Hey, Tryn. What's going on with you? You know we worry about your health. Keep us posted, OK?
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Unread 02-14-2015, 08:49 AM   #2179
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Good afternoon everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Thank you Susie. I trudge my way through these things at this time a might lonier than i did with dear Larry. My physical health is linked intrinsicly to my mental health.

"Loners" do not really decide to be so is my belief. Well, we end up "stumbling upon it", very much like myself. I adore other human beings, and somehow that is kept inside. I can enable, empower, foundate and create safe and motivational environments for all and sundry, but within me is still a tumbling ball of everything i know. Most i wish i didn't.

Susie the last 3 days have been good physically. I have eaten everyday, and have started having my referals greatfully dropping through my letterbox. Now Larry has gone i have much more time to "eat". Sadness is an enourmous 10 course meal, trust me.

I am not ready to scoop up the stairs to heaven. Whilst my feet fall with purpose, i will try and try again.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Special Loveness to R Lee, i miss you, Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-14-2015, 10:59 AM   #2180
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As an aside i am watching England play rugby against Italy at Twickenham.

Now, My Father was Italian, My Mother was Scottish and i was born in England.

This is how it works for me.

If Italy win, i am Italian. If England win i am English. If it is a draw...i am Scottish.

Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-14-2015, 11:08 AM   #2181
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Tryn, Glad that you are eating.

I found that when drinking I was pretty much a loner.

The longer we are sober the more we are around people.

Hugs!!
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Unread 02-14-2015, 11:51 AM   #2182
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Good to know Tyrn...

Hope you are watching world cup Cricket...Yesterday England lost to Aussies...well hope they will do well in coming matches...

Have a great day!
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Unread 02-14-2015, 05:01 PM   #2183
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I like soccer too. If you did eat a 10 course meal you would be sick for sure. No pressure to ever eat that. Today is nice. Cold front coming. My little dog ran in the dog park and I thought of your sweet writing of looking into the dogs eyes.
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Unread 02-15-2015, 07:00 AM   #2184
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Thank you R Lee. Yes, whilst drinking it is almost a prerequisite that we are loners. I think what is happened to me is that being a lifelong drinker, now sober i have "found" myself on my own. Funnily enough when i was chatting to my boss/friend the other day, she said that i needed to "let people in and allow myself to be helped and supported". Seriously the very thought makes me cringe!!! My reputation is of confidence, feirce independence experience and strength. Of course my family here know i am nothing of the sort, but my journey has led me to be extremely passionate about things, and once i am "off and running" i seem to run on autopilot. When i am "done" i disappear again, only popping up when required. I have a wide network of working friends all of whom are eclectically different. I am lucky. However i never feel comfortable in social/relaxed environments. I feel awkward and self concious. When i am amongst folk and i am not "working", it is not because i "want to be on my own", it is because i feel so incredibly uncomfortable around people i favour being on my own as i know how to handle that. I am hoping over time i will become more relaxed in my own skin and my soul can be at home.

Thank you I Am Trying. My brothers and sisters here will tell you that cricket is my religion! Alas my brother i did indeed watch the cricket. Deary, deary me. At least it is a competition where it is almost impossible NOT to get into the quarter finals. As an aside what a glorious collection of settings they have all got to play over these 6 weeks. However I Am Trying much like life, if my beloved England can be patient, watch the ball, play with a straight bat and trust in their timing i am sure we will give a good account of ourselves. Yesterday...was utterly appaling, nay embarassing. Keep the faith my friend!

Lost Dog, thank you. I was reding on your thread how terribly cold it is in parts of the big place. Wrap up warm when you take your sweet dog on an adventure. May i ask what is the name of your dog?

Its a sunday morning here in Blighty. I like my Sunday mornings on the telly as it is a procession of politics and debates. So i am sitting in bed still, writing to you today. I am laughing metaphorically at my luck at this time. I shall try and explain.

As my health has been so challenging and what happened to Larry i have not offically worked for a while. That being the case my Govt helps me through this time. As austerity has effected us all, so hee in Blighty. As it is with the way of the world, the poorest always pay the price, and so it is. 12 billion pouunds have been cut from the welfare budget and if the Torys win the next election in May, there will be a further 9 bilion. The poor are suffering more than normal in Blighty. 1 way or another the Govt have made claiming benefits amost impossible, those on them, taken off in various spurious ways. Yesterday morning i returned home from a community meeting would you believe~! to find a letter hogging my doormat. The letter stated that i had an interview the day before the letter turned up and that if i did not attend i would have my benefit stopped. Well ovbiously i couldnt attend as it has gone and the little bit of money i get, (which i am grateful for and is 71 pounds a week or 10 pounds a day. Lose that and i'm properly stuck. It is called a "sanction". It means you didnt do what you were supposed to do so as punishment we are taking your money away for 3/6 or 12 weeks.

Now of course there has been a mistake here, but the way it works is i have to appeal the decision which just so happens take between 6-12 weeks and in the meantime ziltch to live on. As it is the weekend i can do nothing until Monday morning and unfortunately i was expecting my benefit on Tuesday. Oh dear.

So an uncertain week ahead. Goodness me i firmly believe we make our own luck and i simply do not know what else i can do to promote that for myself.

I often think of R Lee and although i do not know, the journeys R Lee has shared leaves me in no doubt the challenges on his journey. I imagine what R Lee would do about my current circumstances. I am comfortingly assured he would suggest i stayed calm and collected, not to take things personally but the ways these things sometimes go, be patient, be humble and stay focused.

I shall try to do exactly that.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-15-2015, 02:30 PM   #2185
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If you lived in New Orleans, you would take your chair and your guitar, sit on the street corner and play while folks expressed their appreciation by dropping money in your open guitar case! It may be a little cold for that where you are. Teach piano? Tutor students?

Just ideas. I get so frustrated with bureaucracy (sp?). It is always those who can afford it the least who suffer the most.
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Unread 02-15-2015, 04:27 PM   #2186
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Good evening everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Thank you Susie for your suggestions. It is so very hard to explain the circumstances at the moment Re work. I have a firm and offered job waiting for me in April, something i would ery much like to do but it is in London with lots of travelling. I also have other pathways that i could follow. I can either "get out there" and have a very hands on public role, or i could change direction entirely and maybe do more solitary things. I wonder if i could write, not sure what, but unfortunately i have a rather long and extensive criminal history, (well in the past), and infact it is because of that history i am able to be offered the role in April. On 1 hand i have so much to offer in that world, and on the other hand i am not sure if i haven't had "enough" of all that after along time in the game. My record does mean it is very difficult to gain "normal" employment, and all my previous roles have been because of my experiences so i could support and enable those who have followed in my footsteps. Of course all of this is depndent on me getting a proper handle on my health. It is improving daily and i have been eating each day and i am hoping in a week or so to be looking at proper meals.

I really do not want to come across as "moany" or whinging, i'm really not, although a little bit of luck on my side would be most welcome at this time.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-15-2015, 06:09 PM   #2187
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Tryn, You get you eating under control continue to stay sober & with your talents the world may open for you.

Hugs!!
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Unread 02-15-2015, 08:59 PM   #2188
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I'm glad you are doing better with your intake. You need not feel self conscious with people. If I only had one 10th of your talents.. That's what most people think when they meet you, how lucky you are to have so much inside you. I just bet you will have a nice week ahead. Much support and blessings to you.
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Unread 02-16-2015, 12:11 AM   #2189
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Tryn,

You are a born writer. Why not get paid for it?
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Unread 02-16-2015, 05:55 PM   #2190
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Follow your heart, your passion Tryn. You have much to offer.

Peace,
Saint
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Unread 02-16-2015, 06:33 PM   #2191
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Good evening everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

I actually think that of all my journey here, my brothers and sisters in the last posts sums it up for me.

R Lee, Lost Dog, Susie and Saint, thank you is not enough. Thank you.

Imagine if you will what your posts summed up from love.

Eat... R Lee.....(personal responsibility)..... Lost Dog....i have some ability to move forward.......Susie, a born writer?....or just born? Dear Saint, i want to follow my heart, but as i have found out on my journey supporting others, following ones heart involves trusting what goes into it, what goes out of it, and whether or not it is there at all.

I am sure that is a life fullfillng quest.

Be peaceful. be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-16-2015, 08:00 PM   #2192
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You have a kind heart, trust yourself.
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Unread 02-16-2015, 09:00 PM   #2193
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Hi Tyrn,

You have a good writing talent....You can share your experiences with others and that may help lot of us...start writing as a part time work..and focus on other things that you plan to do....Once you have good mass built on writing try to give a shape to it...fiction or non-fiction etc....these days emphasis is on the meat of the matter, gen-y,z etc ...have seen it all with two recessions and growing up with social media...not much on grammar etc...a smiley is more powerful than correctly formed sentence...You are a powerful writer expressing your thoughts and experiences...take a stab at it.
try one page at a time ....

have a great day...sober and safe...
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Unread 02-17-2015, 04:34 PM   #2194
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Good evening everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

I do not know how to say this, i am drunk at home. I feel like shit. I can not imagine what is going to happen when this is over and tomorrow morning i open my eyes.

If i do not stop writing this comp will go through a window.

Loveness to all.
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Unread 02-17-2015, 05:12 PM   #2195
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Tryn you are special, be kind to yourself. Hugs and peace to you.
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Unread 02-17-2015, 05:34 PM   #2196
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What is going on, Tryn? Love, Jenm
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Unread 02-17-2015, 10:37 PM   #2197
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Tryn, You drank because you are an alcoholic. When you are ready to stop then put the plug in the jug & start over by thinking through that 1st drink.

No one is going to judge you. We love you but we can't help you if you wont help yourself.

Hugs!!!!
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Unread 02-17-2015, 11:53 PM   #2198
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Tryn,

We are alcoholic's Tryn. We are great drinkers. We excel at it.

Don't beat yourself up over this. We've all done enough of that to ourselves over the years. God knows I have.

You have an opportunity Tryn. An opportunity to learn something new about yourself and sobriety.

Is there a connection between your eating and drinking. Does it have to be one or the other?

We love you Tryn and are here for you when you are ready.

Peace,
Saint
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Unread 02-18-2015, 10:41 AM   #2199
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Hi Tyrn,

Hope you are feeling better now...take time for yourself. Take it easy and relax...whatever happened let go...

Like mentioned earlier nobody is judging, we love you for who you are...

I remembered today " One day at a time, I am responsible for my actions and their consequences, think thru the first drink ..."

Have a great day my friend...stay sober and stay safe and stay peaceful.
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Unread 02-18-2015, 01:39 PM   #2200
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Tryn, Please find the courage to check in & let us know what is going on.

You know deep down we are here for you no matter what.

Just don't disappear like others have.

You are a good man. Love yourself you deserve it.

Hugs!!
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