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Unread 06-28-2015, 12:36 PM   #2801
Tryntryagain
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Good afternoon everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

R Lee.....i need to stop you right there. "There may not be another recovery in you?".......Bollocks.

I have met many good men and women, you are most certainly all of them. I also have worked in this field for over 2 decades, and have been in recovery myself.

Recovery dear R Lee?

What does that look like to yo

12 steps....i happen to think the steps are a useful guide, but as i have burgeoned and made pathways in my Country, dear old Blighty, i still have much influence in the fields of sobriety, and those that are tasked to support and influence those to do so.

The world has changed my dear friend. Those that are now.....what R Lee?............13/14/23/27?.......how will they find their way out of addiction?

I spoke to Clive Lewis this very afternoon, (google him, he heads up, and is the top banana for drugs and alcohol in dear old Blighty), i have the ear of every single drug and alcohol agency in my Country.

I was what was called a "recovery champion"........of course i was not, but that is what agency's want you to be.

I became an Independent Consultant to the Government, i also became someone that "shaped and developed" alcohol and drug services, their programs, what may....or may not work.

R Lee

I can not see you in any other way other than whom i know who you are, and what you have meant to me. If you knew my name you would be able to see, as i see you, a Father to me, and how precious that is.....to me.

No R Lee. You are wise enough to know when you thought you were important. You will also have felt that "expendable feeling", when you realised you were not.

When the ricochets miss you......honestly R Lee....i have no idea.

Okkkayyy....i get all that.

R Lee, i can not "shoot my problems away". If i had a gun i would only end up aiming it, and it would go the wrong way.

What frightens me is that in dear old Blighty we have alcohol. That kills enough surely? I can not comprehend someone having access to a gun.

I am , and have always been an empty space.

All of you have filled my empty space.

R Lee, i will hunt you down.......if you invite me over, i would be able to thank the very fellow that pulled me through.

(Saint, watch me take the "nuts off your wheels"..........and wave you "goodbye in the morning"....ooooppppssssss, whatever happened there?)

Carly....

Nan and Jenm......Nancy.

You know we all pontificate? i joined to family nearly 3 years ago now. If it was not for the energy's i have named, i would not be here.

Moving forward..?

Check oput this for wierid.

Facts.

I do not have a mum or dad.

This is the way it works for me.

Dear Susie.....lives on the Mexica
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Unread 06-28-2015, 12:52 PM   #2802
Tryntryagain
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(Sorry folks, wrong button), Mexican border, R Lee has access to shed loads of helicopters......sooooo...

Remember playing.......(i have forgotten what it is called, you know the thing when you walk....oh i've remembered, ...."Simon says"....and you have to stay quite still?.........)

I think what i am saying is that if R Lee supplies the hellclopter, i promise to stay still.

I can go for a meeting tonight....shake hands, and share at a meeting.

You see, you are not getting me. I want to shake all your hands. I can't.

So i say again.

We should have a "Conference" once every 2 years. We should look to consolidating, access to communication, moving on.....(can anyone see where this is going??).......and of course.......Tryn would like to be a part of it.

I thank R Lee in advance for a very dodgy conversation with Nancy, and of course would like to thank Nancy for the extension of her private jet.

Marvelous.

See you all soon.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. (Thanks for the fuel y'all) Loveness to all.
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Unread 06-28-2015, 01:31 PM   #2803
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'see you all soon' does this mean you wont be posting for a while? i hope not!

Love to you Tryn xxx
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Unread 06-28-2015, 06:03 PM   #2804
Tryntryagain
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Good evening everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Alexis thank you.

I know what you are all going to say. I know what i have to do. I have no one else to reach out to.

I am not expecting anything, just those understanding hugs....i know this is my fight, i know this is my responsibility, in sobriety i celebrate that.

I refuse to accept "i am mess". I have taken another drink, that's all. My house is spotless.

You know how you have your space "they way you want it">..........i can tell you my light switches are cleaned everyday.

My little space is all i am.

I cant reach my clean light switches tonight.

Anger always made me reach out, passion sat astride me.....blindly guiding me to another day.

Oh dear.

There is nothing that i can't do .........but R Lee,

R Lee, i can do this. I live on my own.....my title>......just the luckiest person in the world......that's all.

Come on Tryn.

Be peaceful, be healthy, and come on...be strong. Loveness to all
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Unread 06-29-2015, 10:08 AM   #2805
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I think you are a lot like me in a lot of ways and your first two paragraphs compell that message to me. I know we are accountable, etc. but to me it is hard to get there. You may have a lot of words much of the time, but yet they aren't all getting out or getting the message we want. Thinking of you and luv and hugs to you.
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Unread 06-29-2015, 11:11 AM   #2806
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Tryn,

We can talk ourselves into and out of many things. You are strong when you want to be. You are strong when we need you. We all have meltdowns occasionally. Plan what you will do next time you have a meltdown, so you will be ready. Mine is chocolate chip ice cream instead of booze.

Tryn, you are so strong for us. All you have to do is turn that strength inward and be strong for yourself. You can do it. You taught me how. You have taught many people how. Doctor, heal thyself!

OK, lecture over. We love you. We want you to be around for a long time. When I retired, I had to reinvent myself: find a new purpose and a new way to feel useful. It's tough when you have health issues, but think about it.

Take care, young man. To RLee and me, you are just a youngster with 20-50 good years ahead! I know people with pacemakers, new hips and knees, etc. who walk everyday, play golf, and have quick minds and good quality of life. Make that your goal! Don't give up on yourself. Oops, I'm lecturing again.

I'll quit and let you chew on this. You can ignore me or get mad at me, but we are bound to be honest here. Know that I love you like the son you could be!

Susie
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Unread 06-29-2015, 03:26 PM   #2807
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Hi Tryn.

You've made me think about a lot of things today. You say there is nothing you can't do... but the truth is, that's not true. Our bodies have limits. You probably know that better than anyone. We can numb that with alcohol, but it only causes our bodies to break down further, without our brains noticing. I know you know how dangerous that is.

You *are* strong, as Susie said. But you're also vulnerable, angry, kind, frustrated, grateful, and everything threading those together. It's a lot to weave. You're a wonderfully complicated person, and drinking dilutes that. That can feel good, it pulls curtains over the windows of authenticity we sometimes see. That said, we love the You that you allow us into, in whatever state he appears.

Please stick around and post, whatever is going on. We're here.
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Unread 06-30-2015, 10:07 AM   #2808
Tryntryagain
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Good afternoon everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Lost Dog, Susie and Millie, you have overwhelmed me.

Dear Susie, it is possible to "smack" without hitting. Millie?.....where my lip had started to quiver after Lost Dogs post, a smack from Susie, your post touched me in a way i have always wanted. Like us all. Just to be understood.

The rest is up to us.

My dereliction of duty to you all at difficult times in your life, is so that i do not to undignify others experiences when i am in no condition to intervene in a way i know i can.

I am just checking in because you all mean so much to me. I tend to hide when i am weak. I know that is ultimately not helpful.

I am being picked up this afternoon by the fellow with the land, and designs on a healing center.

I have being troubled recently, and truly struggling so i contacted him. He thinks i shall engage with "future momentum" and a purposeful direction of travel around his desire to make this happen.

He does not know, i need to be in a peaceful place, working with the land.

It is very hot here for dear old Blighty, and he also has a pool.

How i wish i could wash my alcoholism away.

Again, Lost Dog, Susie and Millie, thank you so much.

The sun has got his hat on....."hip...hip...hooray",

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. I am so lucky to have you all on my side. Loveness to all.
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Unread 06-30-2015, 01:44 PM   #2809
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You've really been on my mind. Thank you for checking in, and thank you for taking some action on your own behalf. I can see the clouds over your head in your words.

You're right that it isn't helpful to hide. For you or for us. I would argue that it's possible to learn even more from others' honesty than from their advice. So even when you think you are weak, you are teaching whether you realize it or not.

Please keep posting. And please enjoy the pool. It is hot as blazes here too and that sounds wonderful.
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Unread 06-30-2015, 02:18 PM   #2810
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Lucky you with a pool, maybe i will try to find a little paddling pool.

just been watching my cat Jackson, he is panting hard but looks so cosy lazing under some bushes in the garden. There is a nice breeze which keeps making him close his eyes. I envy him, he is at peace i can tell that, i cant wait for the day when people look at me, and see i am happy.

Love to you Tryn, always. xxx
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Unread 06-30-2015, 11:45 PM   #2811
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Hello Tryn, Oh, don't we wish we could get rid of alcoholism simply by jumping in a pool of water!?! It could be the first step though...do you think? I think it is simply grand that you contacted your friend with the estate and he picked you up today. Yup, getting out of ourselves always helps the perspective. I am hoping you are spending some time with him-roam around the land and simply soak in all the nature. Maybe the visit will bring you some peace-hope so anyway!! Thinking of you and wishing you strength-hugs!

nan
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Unread 07-01-2015, 03:35 PM   #2812
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Have a great day Tryn!!
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Unread 07-02-2015, 02:03 PM   #2813
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Hi Tyrn...have a good day....hope things are going well...peace friend...you watching any cricket matches ?
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Unread 07-02-2015, 02:20 PM   #2814
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How are you, Tryn?
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Unread 07-02-2015, 03:14 PM   #2815
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Tryn, Have a great day!!
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Unread 07-03-2015, 10:42 AM   #2816
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I hope you are working things out Tryn.

Have a great day.
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Unread 07-03-2015, 11:26 AM   #2817
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Hope you're getting a chance to unwind today Tryn.

Peace,
Saint
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Unread 07-03-2015, 12:17 PM   #2818
Tryntryagain
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Good afternoon everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Millie, Alexis, Nan, R Lee, I Am Trying and Saint.......all such sumptuously remarkable souls in your own rights, your compassion welcome and felt. Thank you.

A reflective fellow is where i am at. As you know i had taken more than one drink, and for a weary alcoholic when the wrong choices are taken, it feels like frankly you have been beaten to a pulp.

I think the letter to me from Millie around the sort of chap i may come across as, the "curtains of authenticity" hit me instantly. It broke me on the spot. In the very way it should.

It is not lost on me that the wonderful letters i have had from you all contain such an eclectic array of positive messages.

The magic dust that sprinkles and whirls around this family.

I feel at this time, and Secret Tigers posts on other threads have helped me out here), the that experience any of us are going through, however similar they be to another, they are special, because they are individual, and therefore belong to "us", ourselves.

Therein lies, the giggly naughtiness in me that neither cares for, or wishes to have any part of any decision making on my behalf, Re...."responsibility?"

The aftermath of dear Larry, is pulling me in so many directions. The turning round, the phone call, the "what the ****"....the "you must be joking right?".....no one there.

Just me now. The trickle of piccolos you can hear is the sound of "ooopppsss".....

It is pretty hard to "regroup", when there is no group to regroup, if you know what i mean.

Health better than expected, mental health...not so good. Purpose...the travel of where "all that goes", my responsibility.

Remember the mental health assessment i had? (actually on may 5th), i have heard nothing and rang them yesterday, (i must say with much reluctance, simply because i find it breathtakingly embarrassing and humiliating, but here goes.......)...i rang, i would be rung back that afternoon. I was not. It is now the next day, Friday and 3.55pm in dear old Blighty. Nothing. I will not ring again.

However, i am looking forward to a sober, (as i am now), weekend, and as I Am Trying so nobly profiteered my religion "cricket" to tempt me out of my den, i suggest I Am Trying knows more than he is letting on.

Indeed, it is the ashes starting next Wednesday. My salivation only surpassed by the recognition that "what ever keeps us going eh?", has a face, and for me it can look just like this.

Talking of salivation. Our women footballers did dear old Blighty so incredibly proud. 1 thought, why do international male footballers spit and roll around like they have been shot....and female footballers play football with respect?

England are very much the underdogs against a quite brilliant Australian team. They are so because there form of defence is to attack. They trust in their ability's, they prepare and train to do what they need to do, leaving no stone upturned. When they are called upon to perform, their ability is realistic and purposeful. That is why they are the best.

It does not mean that is not what everyone else is trying to emulate, it's just they are pretty good at it at the moment!

So sabotage....has to be. We need to make them think we are not worried about them at all....that we think we are much better than them.....that the fact they thrashed us the last time we "saw if the suit fitted us", is of no consequence, ......that'll scare them.

I believe it was the BBC who put that question to the Aussie captain yesterday, (who incidentally are on our shores already, and during "warm up games" with our counties have thumped the lot), barely got an answer out between yawns.

Just you wait!

I was guilty of complacency, and took a drink, and lost.

As a "batsman"....you always have to be "on your toes". Such is life eh?

Thank you all so much for your love. Things are tough for me now, yet i see not words, but hands. Each letter a finger, stretched out to me.

Thank you so much.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 07-03-2015, 02:21 PM   #2819
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Tryn, If only you would reach out here when you are in danger of drinking. Instead when in danger you cover it up with your talented writings. Never really a hint that you want to drink so bad.
There are support groups out there you can contact about your alcohol abuse. You do not have to go this alone.
Think through that next urge to drink & what it will cost you.
Have a nice day.
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Unread 07-03-2015, 04:06 PM   #2820
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Thank you R Lee. Bright blessings wrapped up in hugs.

I hear you.

I am not misleading anyone, I am not covering up unless you mean I don't know how to communicate what I would like to.

My fancy words are for making pictures for anyone. It is the only way the steam comes out of my saucepan!

R Lee, I am not as shallow and wordy as you might think. Perhaps I,m just very good at saying what's not terribly important.

I do not purposely not ask for help. I find that difficult.

Here at least I can share.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 07-03-2015, 04:36 PM   #2821
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I understand, when i feel suicidal, often killing myself seems better than reaching out. I dont feel worthy for help & I feel like a burden to the people close to me.

I love you Tryn and wish you nothing but happiness xx
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Unread 07-03-2015, 06:13 PM   #2822
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Tryn, Try to be humble & ask for help when you have the desire to drink. It is hard for us to do, but it works. Try not to have all the answers, your way is not working at remaining sober. Sad but true. Look in the mirror & say I but cant we can.
Just suggestions Tryn.
Have a great rest of the day brother.
HUGS Tryn.
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Unread 07-03-2015, 11:44 PM   #2823
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Look in the mirror & say I cant we can. Typo mistake in above post.
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Unread 07-04-2015, 08:39 AM   #2824
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Thank you Alexis and R Lee.

Dear Alexis i hope over time your journey becomes more manageable, and over the years with this family you will come to love every brother and sister here as i do. Sure at times what is reflected back may be challenging for us, but that is ultimately what we are all about.

And so to R Lee's words to me. I feel...yes....humbled....that someone cares enough for me that they can offer pathways and honesty to me.

For goodness sake i am Tryn, and to hold my head up and look R Lee straight in the eye and say...."yes dear R Lee, you are right. My way, has not been working" and to admit that i am "not all that", i am just another alcoholic struggling as many or us do, because i want to do it "my way".

Welp "my way" has proven time and time again not to be sustainable. Thankfully life has provided me with enough luck to be old enough, and yes i do have humility in me, to listen and learn.

I also recognise that the luck of time is fast running out.

If i was to share my words with you at times before i have picked up, it would be to redefine the word "rant". So i have anger issues. As you know i have done what i can in relation to reraching out for support around that, and as yet i have been unsuccessful, it is still no reason to pick up.

It is so dreadfully important to me that i am not perceived among the family here that i am someone not taking sobriety seriously, or that when i write to you all, it is of no consequence.

For me it does enable me to formulate who, what and where i am at any given moment. I have now heard you R Lee, i accept it is not helping me stay sober.

So i am a bit lost with this to be fair. I do not know any other way to be other than to express myself with music and words. I feel they enable and empower me. Perhaps they don't. I simply can not help myself when i try to share, i do not "think" of what to say, it just comes flowing out. Often i will push the submit button, and then read back what i have written, simply as i have no idea what i have just written. I trust myself to say what is in my heart. Being with you all here is the only place i can do that. It is that which makes my relationship with Addiction Survivors, priceless.

Today i am sober, but i am struggling with that by the hour. I really do know i am in a fight for my life. All i can say is that i love life, i do not want to die, i have far more to give than i have ever given before. I realise my own health i can do little about other than "as i am told", and that by using alcohol is almost to disrespect those who wish well being on me and are trying all they can for me.

All of you, every single one of you, are not imaginary friends to me, i love you all individually and collectively. I do so because you have all opened your hearts to me as i have to you. Frankly....life gets no better in that genre.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Special and massive loveness to R Lee. Loveness to all.
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Unread 07-04-2015, 08:48 AM   #2825
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Hi Tryn, you said "I really do know i am in a fight for my life. All i can say is that i love life, i do not want to die, i have far more to give than i have ever given before." Think about writing that down on a piece of paper and read it when you feel that struggle starting to overpower you.

We do not want you to die. We know you have far more to give than you have ever given before. Writing that down will also work. Because - without being too bold, I think I can speak for everyone here - that is how we, your family, feel about you.

(((hugs)))

Nancy
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Unread 07-04-2015, 05:03 PM   #2826
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Tryn, To quote you."i, have now heard you R Lee, I accept it is now not helping me stay sober." Next quote"Today i am sober,but i am struggling with that by the hour." Well something I suggested got through to you as you are telling us you are sober but struggling with wanting a drink by the hour. You took the suggestion. Now all I can suggest is that you pour all the booze out so you have none at home. Then you call someone you trust to to talk to at this moment or at least try & think through that drink you want so much.
Nancy made a great suggestion give that a try before you drink.
Hugs Tryn. You are not unique. You are capable of doing this.
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Unread 07-05-2015, 06:58 AM   #2827
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Tryn i am happy that you are here and talking and telling us how you feel. We can only help if you are around.

Love you and the rest of the family. xxx
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Unread 07-05-2015, 11:59 AM   #2828
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Tryn, You you experience with setting up many alcohol abuse programs there must be someone you trust to call when that urge seems to great.
Have a great day.
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Unread 07-05-2015, 12:39 PM   #2829
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Quote:
Originally Posted by R. Lee View Post
Tryn, You you experience with setting up many alcohol abuse programs there must be someone you trust to call when that urge seems to great.
Have a great day.

Not as easy as it seems! I run programmes for people struggling with their mental health, i know what to say when people get suicidal....yet here i am, fighting the urge to self harm, ending up in hospital, overdosing.

It seems silly but if you hate yourself, you dont want to, or cant, help yourself when you need to.

Peace and happiness R. Lee & Tryn xx
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Unread 07-06-2015, 12:31 AM   #2830
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Hi Tryn, you said "I really do know i am in a fight for my life. All i can say is that i love life, i do not want to die, i have far more to give than i have ever given before." Think about writing that down on a piece of paper and read it when you feel that struggle starting to overpower you.

--Nancy B

Tryn, If Monty can fight the pain and demons that haunt him at night in the hospital; if I can find the strength (thanks to you) to keep on supporting him and not taking a drink; then you can take a deep breath, find a "raison d'etre," flip your demons the finger, and fight for your life for sobriety. I believe in you. I need you. Love, Susie
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Unread 07-06-2015, 07:16 AM   #2831
Tryntryagain
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Nancy, R Lee, Alexis and dear Susie, thank you all.

Dear R Lee, yes it is fair to say that for 30 years i have either been on the service user side of service provision, or i have been on the side of developing the provisions and treatment programs for those of us struggling from addiction. I felt it was terribly important for treatment programs to be diverse and inclusive. I also spent a few years talking about shifts of responsibility in that "well being" and sobriety was a shared journey and wrote synopsis's for direction of travel for those entering treatment. The references i supplied for work in the recent past included the head of alcohol and drug provision here in dear Blighty.

It is also fair to say that i am aware of most of the treatment programs in our Country and have had a "hand" in procuring policy and pathways forward for them and having organised and facilitated the first national conference for Service Users, i also know all "the players"....who "runs" various treatment programs by name as they know mine.

Well that's all fine and Dandy, ergo, when i am struggling with my alcoholism.......i'm the best placed person in the Country to seek support.....right?

I just want to run this conversation past you.

I was the service developement officer for a very large alcohol and drug agency here in Blighty. At 8am 1 morning i was supposed to be giving a speech to a Government Agency, and for the previous "X" amount of days i had been traveling round the Country giving speeches. This was the last of them for a week.

The previous night i had been drinking. On my own, on the floor, my backside in the air with a huge "whiteboard" size piece of paper writing down "flash words" for the speech in the morning. I had only an hours sleep. The importance of this meeting, (it was all about millions of pounds worth of funding) meant that i met the CEO of the organisation at 7.30am before cracking on.

God i felt awful. My lips so dry from dehydration, and i was constantly taking sips of water during my speech. 2 hours later......job done. I left and returned home to an e mail from the CEO...... it simply said,

"I have been worrying and wondering what to do...but i smelt alcohol on your breath this morning". Instantly i wrote back and said, "Do you think anyone else noticed?" The CEO said not to her knowledge, and could i come in for a meeting with her the next morning, which i did.

To this day, i shall never forget that conversation.

I assumed, just as R Lee, "phew....at least i am where i am and i can get help by clicking my fingers". The CEO said, "you do realise we can not help you?"....I can remember smiling thinking it was a joke, then looking at her face, it was no joke.

My obvious perplaexion required an immediate response. And i got a face full of "office politics".

The organisation, although not nationwide, commands about 50% of treatment in our Country and thus have sevral hundred staff across many counties. Of course my role meant i met all of them. I did not know that the majority were not happy with me being "taken on" in these roles, as in their opinion i simply had not had enough "dry time" to be "trusted". I subsequently learnt that i was offered the posts i was through Government pressure, (for service users to be involved in the planning, implementation, monitoring and evaluation of the services they receive......or you get no funding!!)....and they picked on me. They did so, in case my brothers and sisters here haven't quite got me yet, i have a big mouth, big ideas, and i am ferociously passionate in the well being of those in my world.

So, there is was thinking i was the "bees knees", and infact i was more like a "plant" being used to gain funding, the added bonus is that i could captivate an audience. Seriously, whether or not i could, frankly was of no importance at all.

So R Lee, yes i do know how to access treatment where i live, and they would flatly refuse. Well i say "they would", at least they said it to my face.

So......discussing this with my GP my GP understood the circumstances, said that she could write to this agency and more or less"force" them to give me treatment/support, as frankly they had no remit, or right to refuse me treatment despite past dynamics. The agency said that because i had "worked and had been invited into the staffs confidence, they felt it inappropriate and unhelpful for both myself and the staff for me to re engage as a service user".

Could Tryn kick off and demand this treatment.....yup. Could i kick up such a stink that "someone would do something?"....probably.

When we as alcoholics hit rock bottom, as standard we have lost the lot. Our spouses, our friends, our homes, our jobs and our dignity. We enter treatment to be amongst those who have traveled that road too. Staff that are welcoming and friendly.......seriously......at your lowest ebb, are you going to fight to get treatment from those that don't want to give it to you?

For sure a strange set of circumstances, and no, i shouldn't imagine unique, i most certainly know i am not. So i went down the mental health route. As you know, had my assessment, not a word, rang them last week to be told i would be rung back, nothing. My only option now is to attend AA or win a ton of money.

It is WHY, this family is what it is to me. You must have thought i could walk out the door and get treatment if i am struggling. Nope, i could only come here.

My dear R Lee however has shown me another way. That is to be totally upfront with you all. Often i write because i am scared, i am frightened of myself, but i never tell you that. I should.

This letter is to desperately try to communicate i am not disappearing down a drain-hole, i am strong, just "stuck". I need.....well what do i need?........some peace and quiet "inside" would be nice.

I need you all. Every one of you.

There will be time for gratitude, for now, i need to stay strong.

Once again, well.....

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. I really do love you all.
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Unread 07-06-2015, 08:46 AM   #2832
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Tryn it makes me so angry to read this, but not surprised either because i have fought tooth and nail with the MH services. I have never experienced anything like you have regarding being refused treatment as you work for them. That is effing disgusting. Can i blame David Cameron? Please let me...! Joking aside, I dont know how to offer advice, i would storm in and refuse to leave, I would call every newspaper and news outlet and dish the dirt. However that could mean losing your job and income so maybe its silly.

All i can offer is my love and a big hug. I hope you got through the night unscathed and i hope you play your piano today, ill listen out for it.

xxx
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Unread 07-06-2015, 09:49 AM   #2833
Tryntryagain
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Do not be angry dear Alexis.

Accept the way things happen, as R Lee quite rightly shared with me, "your ways are not working". He is right as he sees me. He has been me.

It matters not a jot...at the end of the day, for us in this family, we must find our own way to sobriety.

I hope my previous letter communicated that, whatever the journeys of any of us, we must find, "i can't,... we can" as dear Saint and R Lee share, often, obviously not enough for me as yet, although dear Alexis, anger can play no part of moving forward. It has no respite or empathy, it only wants to destroy.

You are not that.

As you grow and evolve, ways forward open up when you do.

My letter was not about unfairness, it was not about expectation, just a journey i thought had my back covered.

Nope.

The older i get dear Alexis the more the world says to me...."and you are?" Through sharing we try to get to a place where that experience and wisdom enables us to watch our own backs.

One has to believe one is worth it though. That is the starting point.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to Alexis, Loveness to all.
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Unread 07-06-2015, 11:35 AM   #2834
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Tryn, I was not suggesting treatment. I suggested you could call someone in that field that you know from working with them & talk one on one about the fact that you were wanting a drink before you pick up that 1st. drink since you are finding it difficult thinking through that 1st drink.
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Unread 07-06-2015, 12:20 PM   #2835
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Stop it R Lee!!! (Bright blessings to you),

I have just written to, and i am sure will be offered a place at a project, actually called the swan project that i accessed before. It is "different". It has no "time limit" for help, and how meager your little funds, expect respect.

It is tiny, with maybe just 2 or 3 spending 2/3 hours sharing with a facilitator.

It did not work for me before because i was so full of myself, all i could do....was that.

Now it is different. Humbleness R Lee, for sure, ....now. Takes time that doesn't it?

So through the power of the love i have gotton here, R Lee, has surely kicked Tryn up the proverbial backside.

Thank you R Lee.

And jolly good to.

Here we go again.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 07-06-2015, 01:27 PM   #2836
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Dear Tryn, I worry so about you. Happy to hear that you are "fighting the battle" once again. Hard to understand, really, but it is the truth, alcoholism is a terrible, deadly disease. Yet, options are out there to help-the alcohol demon does all it can to stop those kinds of thoughts. You are stronger-you want sobriety so much more than you want alcohol(yes, I believe really) yet the tempting voice remains in your mind. I say try cursing it out loud every time it even begins as a little, tiny whisper. Glad you made contact there with a group. We are here to support and hold your hand and give you hugs but it will be good to have someone in person to do so as well. Keep in touch, no matter what. Don't know what we would do without our Tryn!!!

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Unread 07-06-2015, 03:05 PM   #2837
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Way to reach out for help Tryn. I could not get sober on my own.
Have a great day!!
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Unread 07-06-2015, 06:29 PM   #2838
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Best news ever to come home to, way to go Tryn, i hope they help you like you deserve

xx
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Unread 07-07-2015, 12:23 AM   #2839
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Tryn,

My heart aches for you. I have been where you are. I had to start listening to the young people I had helped over the years, really listening, to begin to accept my self worth. I also had to internalize the serenity prayer and "Desiderata," to begin to forgive myself for all my sins. I wish I could have had enough faith in God that I could depend on him for forgiveness, but it wasn't enough. I had to begin to believe that I have done more good in the world than bad, or at least as much.

Tryn, keep talking, but more importantly, keep LISTENING.... to us and to those who love you. YOU look in the mirror and see the compassionate protector of others who need you, so that you can begin to like yourself even a small percentage of as much as we all love you.

Think about this, please. Also, read about aversive psychology. While you repeat positive affirmations, also select the worst thing you have ever done on alcohol, to remind yourself when you are trying to think through that first urge.

Listen to RLee, Saint, Nan, and all the young people on this blog for whom you have been an inspiration. You are not a fraud; you are just human like the rest of us.

Again, I need you. You understand me. I am just nutty enough that not many people do understand me, I'm afraid. Also, I love you. Losing you would be a great loss to me, and I need all the help I can get right now.

Love, Susie
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Unread 07-07-2015, 11:14 AM   #2840
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Good afternoon everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Oh Nan, R Lee, Alexis and dear Susie.

Is it still possible in our times to say that others that give so freely of themselves to me i can describe as being beautiful.....without being redefined as a more "loony tune" than i already am?

You are all individually beautiful people.

My definition? There is none. That is the beauty of beautiful people.

Because of the all your interventions, and really...i struggle with the worth you try to share with me, i am a "bod" in dear old Blighty, expressing with all my brothers and sisters here, and for at least a year, R Lee has being putting his foot up my arse, (or as you say, "kicking my butt")....thank what you like for that.....

Thanks R Lee.

Anyhew, i fired off an e mail yesterday to a place that i went to before. Old hands here will remember, i asked them if i could come back.

I want to be absolutely clear, all of you, especially Nancy, Nan, but you R Lee.....i read your words and acted. Then Susie broke my heart.....(again).

Addiction Survivors is not a "talking shop"....it can be.

Guilty as charged.

I am struggling, remember that phrase..."no more Mr nice guy"? I am, and have been, anything anyone wanted.

"No more that Mr this guy"

I haven't the faintest idea how i am going to be myself.

Imagine if you will, you were brought up in a tree....high up.

Get on the ground and walk.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 07-07-2015, 01:26 PM   #2841
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Tryn, Be yourself & I bet we like you.
Have a nice day.
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Unread 07-08-2015, 12:43 AM   #2842
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Tryn, Can you keep in touch with us? When will we hear from you? Our hearts and souls go with you. Loveness, Susie
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Unread 07-08-2015, 02:54 PM   #2843
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Tryn, I was gone a while with getting a little help and it does help. If I can see the light, you can and will. You are so loved on this sight, it is unbelievable. Your writing and soul are so gracious. Yes they are. Believe in yourself as you often told me and you will be able to be yourself and be content. A BIG Hug to you Tryn...
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Unread 07-09-2015, 07:18 AM   #2844
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Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

R Lee, Susie and Lost Dog, thank you. I have good news.

You may remember a few days ago i told you of a small project that i had engaged with before, ( a couple of years ago), and because i have been struggling, because i heard dear Susie tell me to LISTEN, because R Lee and all my brothers and sisters here, and because i want to be better again, i fired off an e mail to frankly the only people i can realistic work with, and waited.

It took just 48 hours before i got a "Hello Tryn!, great to hear from you....i hope you are well?", e mail back. As you can imagine i was quite overwhelmed. The offer may appear simple, yet it is purposeful, my "travel of wanted direction" empowering me with strength and "i can do this" type of confidence.

I can attend a group in house on a Monday, and then on a Wednesday they run a group working with the land on community allotments. I will also have the opportunity once engaged to see a therapist once a week, once the time feels right.

It is still at the "re-engagement stage", but i can see the light at the end of this tunnel and hope to be hearing back from them again today.

So.....to all my brothers and sisters out there struggling, we have it all here. From I Am Tryings Mantra, oh goodness, every single one of us has so much to offer, so much to give although i grant you, in our own lives, if we are struggling, if we can, to engage with "someone"...."someone who cares for your journey", has to be the way to go.

It is not lost on me, and moreover it makes me feel proud, fortunate, and "grown up", to have LISTENED to you all, and acted. As an aside....i wonder....i truly, truly wonder.....how many lives this family not only saves, but empowers those who felt "life was impossible"?

I am back on the way up. 1 step at a time. Today i have chosen not to drink. I am going to start tidying up the house in my head.

I have realised, now i am on my own without dear Larry, that i was like a helium balloon. I needed someone to tether too. If he let go, i would fly off into forever. He ended up "having to let go".....and i was rising into forever quickly.

To every single one of you, brother and sister, thank you for grabbing me before i was gone.

I couldn't, we can.

Onwards and upwards.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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Unread 07-09-2015, 10:44 AM   #2845
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Great to hear you are seeking help Tryn. Remember to call them before you pick up that 1st drink. Have a great day.
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Unread 07-09-2015, 11:43 AM   #2846
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That is good News! Congrats and best wishes, it will work out great for you. I also liked your story, have a nice day!
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Unread 07-09-2015, 01:15 PM   #2847
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That is so wonderful Tryn. And I'm starting to finally internalize too the I can't, we can concept. Tough for us independent types (who oddly need those tethers the most...).

Thank you for doing that, and please let us know how you're doing.
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Unread 07-10-2015, 08:04 AM   #2848
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Hi Tryn, I'm really thrilled that you reached out and got help. You spend so much time here helping and supporting others; it's about time you helped yourself! Proud of you for taking that action.

Nancy
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Unread 07-10-2015, 08:24 AM   #2849
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Good afternoon everyone. Bright blessings to you.

You are all so marvelous. Thank you so much.

Even better news today. I can attend this Monday. I am completely over the moon.

Why am i?

I am so, because alcohol has always been a barrier to myself. At 49, in the whole of my life i have sustained sobriety longer than ever before by engaging and loving this family.

It really does..."come back right at ya!"

And so it is.

Nancy, whom has with others, created something quite extraordinary in so many lives from around the world, created a space for us all to move forward together....(who has posted 23,000 times...each post a potential life saver)...........and when a Marine is not about to "point you in the right direction", Nancy always is. Thanks Nancy.

All i can give back to you is that by listening and popping my "got to know it all" on the back burner......love you can hear, isn't frightening at all.

Dear Millie, "us independent types?"...abso....bloody....lutely!!!!!.... At least here we can be independent together.

Thank you everyone.

My thoughts with dear Susie and Monty.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to you all.
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Unread 07-10-2015, 10:30 AM   #2850
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So happy you can see them on Monday, that is great news!! Are you watching Wimbledon?

xx
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