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Unread 07-26-2008, 11:37 AM   #1
CarlyO
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Default Quotes and such...

Hi everyone,

I was looking for G rated jokes to post to hopefully brighten someone's day, but the ones I receive are probably not appropriate. So, I tried to find a few inspirational and a few funny quotes.

Off Topic is a great place to just take a Breather from the serious issues we are all facing. and maybe just post about something funny that happened or even serious. As Tim's Sticky Post about OT says, no one - unless they are registered members can read this.

Courage and Hope Quotes.....

The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next.
Mignon McLaughlin

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: You don't give up. Anne Lamott

The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want.
Ben Stein

Hope is like peace. It is a gift only we can give one another.
Elie Wiesel
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The Lighter Side....
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like
shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.
Erma Bombeck

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either.

10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse. Comedy Central

Carly

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Unread 09-03-2009, 11:03 AM   #2
Saint
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Carly,

Anything else to add to the "lighter side"?

I really like the second one about only pleasing one person per day. I'm going to have to hijack that one and use it.

Regards,
Dave

Last edited by Saint; 09-03-2009 at 11:04 AM.. Reason: spelling
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Unread 09-03-2009, 11:46 AM   #3
CarlyO
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Default Thanks for your concern : )

If you ever receive tons of emails from well meaning friends to save your soul by sending prayers straight from the Lord himself and having to send it on 1200 others and do 15 jumping jacks so your prayers will come true, or warnings about food, perfumes and urban myths, you may appreciate this.

THANKS FOR YOUR CONCERN :

I want to thank all you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your email forwards over the past few YEARS. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and wealthy.

Because of your concern.......

I no longer drink coca cola because it can remove stains from toilets.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the owners are atheists and refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I do not check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with an infected needle.

I no longer use "cancer causing" deodorant even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will approach me in the parking lot, drug me with a chloroform laced perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get the bill from hell with calls from Jamaica, Uganda and Uzbebekistan

I no longer eat pre-packaged foods teeming with hormones that will cause my "parts" to shrivel up.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant creatures with no eyes , feathers or legs.

I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

Thanks to you, I now know that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to 70 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes while skipping around my desk.

I no longer have any money because I have been sending it to a sick girl who has been "dying" for the past 7 years.
but that will all change once I receive the 15k that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program !

I will now return the favor......

If you do not send this email to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with flaming diarrhea will fly over your head and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits.
** I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin, and he's a lawyer.

Have a Nice Day! : )
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 10-09-2009, 09:09 AM   #4
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I saw this in a Pink Panther movie a long time ago and it always stuck with me.


Man in room with large, vicious looking, aggressively stanced dog (1st man w/dog).

2nd man approaches first man w/dog from another room and asks from 20' away:
"Does your dog bite?"

1st man with dog replies:
"No, my dog does not bite!"

2nd man now approaches within a few feet of first man and dog and the dog attacks him, biting him, growling, tearing his clothes apart etc.

2nd man now screaming @ first man...
"You said your dog does not bite!!!"

1st man calmly responds:
"That is not my dog".


I laugh every time I think of that scene. There is also a message there.
Our perception of reality, how we relate to others is based on what we know, learn and assume to be true. We ask questions, receive answers and react to things, people around us based on what we think to be true.

If only we asked the right questions.....


Regards
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Unread 10-13-2009, 12:21 PM   #5
CarlyO
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LOL - Good one Saint !!
I used to watch the Pink Panther movies, oh Peter Sellers was a genius !
Thanks Saint- hope all is going well with you. : ) C.
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Unread 11-11-2009, 04:18 PM   #6
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Hi,

Came across this Zen saying while flipping though a book in the book store today:

" Before enlightenment chop wood, carry water"
" After enlightenment chop wood, carry water"


Regards
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Unread 11-11-2009, 08:15 PM   #7
R. Lee
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I cut wood & drank water today. It was a good day in the woods.
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Unread 11-12-2009, 10:35 PM   #8
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Moved wood, stacked wood. Watched dog take stacked wood and play. It was a good day also.

Regards
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Unread 11-17-2009, 12:26 PM   #9
CarlyO
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Default another funny... and thoughts to ponder... : )

NOT saying I agree with all of the below... just one of those emails that got sent my way...

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage


OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
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SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
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GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
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PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
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DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
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HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT
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Important disclaimer: Any information in this post is not and does not constitute medical advice under any circumstances. Addiction Survivors, Inc. does not warranty or guarantee the accurateness, completeness, adequacy or currency of the information contained in or linked to the Site. Your use of information on the Site or materials linked to the Site is entirely at your own risk. NEVER take any online advice over that of a qualified healthcare provider. Any information contained on AddictionSurvivors.org should only serve to inspire further investigation with credible, verifiable references sources such as your physician or therapist.
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Unread 11-21-2009, 11:53 PM   #10
Saint
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I believe every one of those statements. That's why they are so funny!

What do you think that means for me? Do you think it's serious?

Oy!
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Unread 02-06-2010, 04:15 PM   #11
Saint
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"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."

- Jim Carrey
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Unread 04-10-2010, 03:24 PM   #12
CarlyO
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Good one Saint ( from Jim Carrey ! )


I came across a book of recovery quotes someone gave me...

Authors unknown..
I am Not a human being having a spiritual experience ,I am a spiritual being having a human experience.

A mistake is evidence that someone has tried to do something.

Happiness is not a place to travel to . It's the journey of living on life's terms.

Faith is not belief without proof , but trust without reservation.
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Unread 04-14-2010, 11:26 AM   #13
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Authors unknown..
"I am Not a human being having a spiritual experience, I am a spiritual being having a human experience."

Carly,
Hi - the quote above struck a chord with me. Not sure which one : ) but I can relate to it on some level. I hope all is well with you and the Family!!

Regards
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