Thread: Hello everyone
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Unread 09-11-2012, 09:14 AM   #49
Tryntryagain
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Posts: 3,249
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Hello all, and thank you R Lee and Carly and jemn, all valid comments and of great support to me, thank you so much. I am still here although "stuck" in a twilight world. I have done something quite absurd and, well, frankly pretty stupid. I thought i could "work myself through this" abit like a footballer "running off an injury". I suppose i thought that by attempting work again i thought it would make me feel valuable and that it would give me some sort of "reason/purpose", and daftly i thought my alcoholism "might go away" if i kept focussed and busy with something else. It was a bit of a disaster having been asked to "go home" after only 2 days "back". The embarassment tangible for me and now, i just don't know what is next. As has been said this is not just about getting dry, it is about dealing with my "drinking thinking", it just won't leave me alone. In the last 2 days i have received many, many e mails as my condition because of these 2 days at work have left many now knowing my problem. The support has been unbeleivable, some of the things that have been said about me serious leave me thinking, who on earth are they talking about??, they must have got me confused with someone else....but no, that is what my reputation has engendered. How is it possible?, how can it be that i am able to fool everybody into thinking i am competent, experienced and worth my salt? I wonder what they would have thought of me if they knew that for many years when i have "done my job" it is all i can do to collapse in a place where no one will know. It is like living on a planet where i am the only inhabitant. I feel soincredibly alone even with all the support i am being shown. It smacks of selfishness and self pity to me, niether things sit well with me. I am barely hanging on, but "just" is good enough right now.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all
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