Thread: Hello everyone
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Unread 08-31-2012, 12:29 PM   #41
Tryntryagain
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Posts: 3,249
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Hello all. R.Lee thank you. I am no longer in Holland having reached my perception of my own "breaking point" which my last post makes me feel embarrased about. Being able to write to the forum, was at that time the only support i had in a visible and physical experience of falling apart. I flew back last night with little regard for the consequences simply because i was being so physically ill. When i was on the plane simply hanging onto normality and not "freaking out" was about as much as i could muster. I had a friend waiting to pick me up from the airport and i may stay here for a few days on the condition i saw their Dr this morning which i did. I asked for a home detox, which i have done before. She understood my concerns in accessing treatment in my area, but under the guidelines, home detox's will only be granted when other provisions are in place including aftercare. She explained to me that there were other avenues into treatment and she was refereing me to a psychiatrist who works within the field of alcohol dependency. She will chase it up for me and expects me to have an appointment with him in the next 2 weeks. In the meantime she has urged me to ring them every couple of days explaining i have been refered as they often have cancelations. She implored me to moderate my drinking, but not to stop in the meantime and to try to manage my "chaotic" lifestyle and relaxing by taking a short walks, and introducing a "routine" in anticipation of treatment. She prescribed me 4 single 5mg Diazepam to help me stop reaching for the last drinks of the evening and take 1 instead. 30mg Mirtrazapine 1 a night. Build up drinks. She has made me another appointment for Tuesday. She was brilliant. So compassionate and understanding. It shocked me.

It hard to quantify my sense of relief in all manner of ways. I am much more relaxed. I feel when i left Holland i had to make the choice Carly was talking about. Everything was getting totally out of control and out of hand. Everytime i catch myself in the mirror i can see myself dying and i turn away in disgust. I suddenly focussed in a moment completely on saving my life. That wasn't the revelation, it made me realise that i have reached this conclusion because otherwise it's curtains.

So i'm "comfortably numb" at the moment. The amazing support i got from the Dr and this forum gives me a sense now of being "cradled" in that there is somewhere to go for help. This is one of the few places to come to where you don;t need to explain that this support is saving my life and resusitating me as i write.

Re Holland, well i just don't know what the outcomes of that will evetually be and i feel rude by saying that i'm past caring right now, but i am. It's known i am not well and i'll deal with it another time. I feel so weak at the moment that if i try to deal with it now, there won't be another time. Another shared post was that i need to be selfish to get this under control. I understand that logic and i thought, but that's not what i want to be. I have realised in the last 48 hours that at this moment in time i don't have a choice. I have to be right now.

Once again thank you all so much. I hope one day i will be able to support in the way you all have.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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