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Unread 04-19-2015, 05:29 AM   #2542
Senior Member
Posts: 3,249

Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

What lovely, lovely posts. I Am Trying that was beautiful.

I have some news and it would not surprise me that many of my brothers and sisters here may feel i "lost me marbles!"....i can asure you all, it is far from the case.

I am not the best decision maker on this rather splendid planet, and i have recognised that as a significant barrier to the "smooth, forward" momentum that is my life. This weekend i have been doing alot of honest thinking, projecting myself ahead as best i can, listening to R Lee, Saint and you all.

Tomorrow will be challenging as i have decided to turn down the roles my boss would like me to pursue. Many who know me will be somewhat aghast, as on the surface of it, this job could have been created just for me, and in many ways, it actually has.

It is easy to see $ signs in my eyes, there is no doubt the actual remit plays to all my strengths. Lots of foreign travel and exposure to movers and shakers and ultimately giving opportunity to those who as yet, have had none.

I went back to the woods, sat down (on a esquisitely gorgeous day in Blighty), thought of my brand new sobriety, i then saw all the travelling, the huge amounts of work, addressing 100's at a time on a regular basis, i speak different languages which is in itself a challenge to address with passion in another language, my head started to shake from side to side as if someone had asked me a question and i was saying "no" without speaking, and then put my head in my heads to cover my eyes.

There was my answer.

It is almost impossible to accept as it goes against everythjiong i am to turn down such a sumptuous and tasty challenge, but i have to take into account that i am working for the betterment of damaged people. Unless i can be absolutely sure i can cope and manage with the anxiety, stress and pressure......which you ALL know i struggle with, without alcohol rearing its head, i can not be confident at this time that will be the case.

Saint......." from a strong foundation....stay vigilant"......Saint i do not believe my foundations are yet stronger enough for such a large task,

R Lee.......".....remember not to get too much on your plate. Sobriety has to come first or we are no good to anyone".........R Lee, in all honesty that would have been an awful lot to put on my plate.

I actively heard those wise posts, and incase anyone questions how effective this forum really is, by taking into account all my brothers and sisters support and experience, i have been able to arrive at my own decision armed with much insight shared with me.

I know it is as old as the hills, but it has taken Tryn nearly half a century to work out.....if i listen, i can learn. (Better late than never).

So the task now is to tell my boss who will be frankly devastated. Hopefully i can communicate that i am protecting her, and her company, every bit as i am protecting myself. It is not going to be an easy conversation. My thinking is, better than have a difficult conversation now, than a horrific one if it all went pear shaped.

Of course it is hard for me to swallow and i could...i reiterate....i could.....see it in a way that "look how weak i have become?" My mantra of always giving everything you have got, and i am "backing off??" I do not want to see it like that. I have made an informed decision, and i know can focus on a much gentler role, in my own city, with the healing centre fellow, or the landlord...wet/dry houses.

So when i wrote my long post explaining these roles and making them all sound as if i could do them all, and whilst i was asleep, was "old behaviour".

It turned out that for the first time...i....crept up on hindsight before she could see me coming,.....or... i believe there is a phrase that i may just have heard somewhere before....."Stop before you speak, think before you act".

I think i have just done that.

Disappointed?, yes, of course i am. Accepting of the circumstances and where i am? Yes. If i am to sustain sobriety, i now know what R Lee and Saint have told me for years. Thanks boys.

I am also mindful my borthers and sisters here may be somewhat disappointed that i have not taken this challenge up, all i can say is that in my heart it was not right. Had i not been able to do this, i would have hurt alot of people and set things back. I could not risk that. I am sorry for that.

Chilly and whipy windy day here in dear old Blighty. Our "countdown" to election day is becoming more and more like, the countdown to bloody doomsday!!!! There has to be something not quite right with a democratic voting system whereby a politician is asked 3 weeks before the election....."and so Mr X, (scandelous lack of women and representative members) say you will save 8 billion by doing this....can you tell us how that is costed?"........

Mr X...."No. We will tell you after the election".

How does that work brothers and sisters?

As Churchill once said, "Democracy is the worst form of Government........apart from all the others".

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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