Thread: Hello everyone
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Unread 04-12-2015, 05:17 AM   #2506
Senior Member
Posts: 3,249

Good morning everyone. Bright blessings to you all.

Crikey!!! Hello everyone! I really didnt think for a minute i would initiate this Susie! I have to say, i shouild have known that about this supportive to a fault.

My motivation to share my first name came about on my walk yesterday. I needed to spend some honest time with myself. In doing so i allowed myself to accept the positives about me and as Saint says, progress not perfection. I thought of you all as if you were with me, it gave me a really good prism of wisdom to gleen from. Alll of your support became practical and less emotional to me and that enabled me to see a much clearer view of where i am at. When i got home, i had personally felt your advice sink in, i felt so terribly grateful, that from now on in, i was still be Tryn, i simply wanted you to know the man behind Tryn. I think telling you my name makes me feel more real to you all and in utrn, i believe i will find it easier to flag up problems with you all, as Tryn, i seem to feel unnaturally ashamed and embarssed of any problem i have. As my brothers and sisters you may refer to me however it feels comfortable to you, i have no preference, i just wanted to share my first name with you all.

The conclusion i came to yesterday is one i have known for a long while to be honest. Yesterday for the first time i am truly going to do something about it.

I do not have any "friends". Don't get me wrong, i am not "unfriendly", and i have a good reputation. I have not had a relationship for many a year, i will not let anyone, anyone at all, anywhere near me. Apart from the children i do not like to be hugged, touched, although i have no problem in giving them. I rely on, depend on, noone by design. I have an empathy with those who suffer and can help them, yet i will not look into my own. In the past 8 months 2 people whom i respect very much, suggested to me that i must find a way of letting folk in. here we have a picture of the issues that make my life too challenging than it needs to be.

I know where it comes from. As you know 12-21 on my todd with all the shit that goes with it. By the time i am 21, completely and utterly out of control and stayed that way for well over a decade. Because i am the jammiest man on earth i survived the lot, (luck...very little judgement), and tried to "come round". I realised that parts of me were very damaged and they frightened me a whole lot. It was not until my 30's i was together enough to start remembering what had happened. It felt as if i had not sat down since i was 11.

The way i "survived" was a bit like a puffer fish. Any sign of danger which was frankly at any moment, i would "puff up", if that did not work, i would run for my life. Simple but effective! ANY sign of weakness in that environment and you will not survive. So i simply learnt NEVER to show weakness. I had no idea i had learnt it so well out of necessity, when it is not required i am still unable to open up.

So....thats the problem, and from whence it comes from, now for the solution.

I think i have made the first step with this post, So many of you have solutions for me that i going to start trying. Millie's suggestion of guided meditation, Susies assertion of positive thinking. On the calmest of days i am still "set up" for danger, its my default setting, it must change. I need to actively look at ways that help me stay calm. I need to look find a way of understanding my impatience, as my huge levels of anxiety fuel of it. I am also awaiting for a referal to this behavioural psychologist around my eating, although i am hoping to use this intervention to look at my behaviours around others components of my life. I shall see.

So brothers and sisters, i hope this has all made some sense, and maybe now makes it clearer why "now" to simply to share my first name with those i respect, admire and love felt the most natural thing to do, and in some kind of a way, it feels like dropping the mask of strength and capability, i have both, although i need to accept that i have weakenesses, issues that need addressing and that i can be, and am, as vulnerable as the next man. I happen to think in honesty, more so.

A cracking Sunday morning here in Blighty. i had a marvellous sleep last night and i am looking forward to nattering with the children and some piano. I am going to keep myself safe and calm today and stay in and potter.

Once last thing, R Lee, i went along to an AA meeting last night. For me to do that for myself was quite something. I was intially highly anxious i may meet ex clients and whatnot, but i didnt. I went to have a place to be where i could focus solely on my alcoholism to empower me to start again, fresh, in tune and positive.

I'm on my way.

Be peaceful, be healthy and be strong. Loveness to all.
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